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I'm a single father with custody of a 12 year old boy with autism. His mother has basically given up on him, she is supposed to see him every other week but she now probably sees him once a month.
I've been through many different relationships over the years since I was originally divorced from her over 7 years ago. I was remarried to a woman who also had an autistic son and two other sons, it was simply too much to handle and then we got divorced.
I'm having trouble "finding my way" now. He's 12 and he is always worried about anyone I'm dating and if I'm going to get into a serious relationship with her. Our life together is very stable now but I have to make it that way because of his condition. What that means is that almost everything from the food I cook to our routine has to be about the same everyday.
I have hired two nannies in the past two years to deal with things but they usually quit after a few months. I think the last one lasted 4 months and she kept asking for pay raises because "an autistic child requires much more work than she thought".
The whole purpose of having a nanny was so that I can try to establish some kind of social life, which has been eluding me. When my son was younger, his condition was less "obvious" and he didn't have problems if I would go to a single parents meeting and he would play with other children while I could talk with the parents. In fact, we even would go on campouts, that is where I met my second wife. But now, he refuses to go to any event unless his "friends" are there.
The final straw was I found out his mom is moving across the country to California with her husband as he was laid off and the only job he found was out there. This means that I won't get any break whatsoever.
My son has said that if I get another nanny he will behave very badly until she quits. So I've kind of run out of options. I'm even considering moving to California as I can work in any part of the country and I did enjoy living out there when I lived there in my early 20's. I don't know if it will be the same a couple of decades later though.
Wow that's a tough situation, sorry you are going through this. Do you have any family that might be able to help babysit him?
Well, my mom is around 6 hours drive away but last time she babysat him, she took him for a haircut and as he has sensory issues it "activated him" and he was violent to her (he kicked her shin and said "why did you cut my hair?"). She said "never again". I tried to explain to her that you can't give a short haircut to a sensory stimulated autistic child but she doesn't understand. She had been helping for years so it's a shame. She had never attempted to give him a haircut so I guess I got lucky all those years.
Well, my mom is around 6 hours drive away but last time she babysat him, she took him for a haircut and as he has sensory issues it "activated him" and he was violent to her (he kicked her shin and said "why did you cut my hair?"). She said "never again". I tried to explain to her that you can't give a short haircut to a sensory stimulated autistic child but she doesn't understand. She had been helping for years so it's a shame. She had never attempted to give him a haircut so I guess I got lucky all those years.
That's tough. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a shame that happened to your mom and it sucks that his mother is moving far away. I wish you were able to find a nanny that can deal with him but I understand some people will feel completely overwhelmed with the situation. I imagine how exaughsting it can be. I'm also a single parent but luckily my mother helps out when she can. I really wish you the best of luck in your situation and hopefully things will get better for you and your son!
Last edited by Yourgermanicanish; 12-29-2016 at 10:14 AM..
Do you have a doctor's diagnosis? Because IMO, your son isn't autistic; he's a kid that needs discipline.
A truly autistic child does not know how to control how he behaves in front of different people.
Yes, he has a diagnostic on "the spectrum". Traditional "discipline" doesn't work for him. Just because he's autistic doesn't mean he's not "smart". In addition to times when he "can't fake it" there are times when he can.
Do you have any autism resources in your area? A support group? Is your son receiving any services at all?
Any nanny you hire for him should be a specialist who has experience with kids who have autism, not just a general babysitter. Some folks who are associated with autism services should be able to connect you with those resources.
Another thought: It kind of sucks, but you may need to consider whether this "season of your life" can practically include a romantic relationship. Being a dad to your son is your priority right now, and you may have to wait to date. Six years is a blip in our lifetimes.
Do you have any autism resources in your area? A support group? Is your son receiving any services at all?
Any nanny you hire for him should be a specialist who has experience with kids who have autism, not just a general babysitter. Some folks who are associated with autism services should be able to connect you with those resources.
Another thought: It kind of sucks, but you may need to consider whether this "season of your life" can practically include a romantic relationship. Being a dad to your son is your priority right now, and you may have to wait to date. Six years is a blip in our lifetimes.
He has specialists that he sees regularly and also a support group that helps him socially.
The last nanny said she had experience but it turns out the experience was "classroom based" and not "in the field". It seems some people will lie to get a job even if they don't have the prerequisite experience.
I've thought about what you're saying but I'm worried about my own sanity if I deny my needs for 6 years straight. Won't that have a negative impact on me and make me resent my own son? Can't there be a compromise in there?
Also, will he possibly have a change of attitude once he starts dating? Maybe he'll be like "dad you need to get laid" or something when he's 16 or 17?
He has specialists that he sees regularly and also a support group that helps him socially.
That's good, but you need support too. Adults who are sole caregivers need time off. There are groups that offer "respite care," like day care, for spouses who take care of their partners with alzheimers. There may be a group like that for you also.
You are a single parent of a child with a serious developmental disability. It is a 24-hour job for one person, but one person cannot do it all, which you know.
Yours is an extraordinary situation, so you need to accept that you can't do things that regular single parents of typical children do. As you know, routine is incredibly important for kids on the spectrum, and any disruptions can bring total chaos.
Your son is aware of this, though, and is manipulating you. I would suggest counseling for the two of you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cBach
The last nanny said she had experience but it turns out the experience was "classroom based" and not "in the field". It seems some people will lie to get a job even if they don't have the prerequisite experience.
Is the support group affiliated with a nonprofit organization? Do they have any leads on caregivers? People who don't have actual daily experience with kids with autism may not understand how disruptions affect them and your life with them. A babysitter dropping in every once in a while won't work. You have to find someone who can build a relationship of sorts with your son.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cBach
I've thought about what you're saying but I'm worried about my own sanity if I deny my needs for 6 years straight. Won't that have a negative impact on me and make me resent my own son? Can't there be a compromise in there?
Also, will he possibly have a change of attitude once he starts dating? Maybe he'll be like "dad you need to get laid" or something when he's 16 or 17?
No. I think that's wishful thinking.
You son should not be part of your love life, especially during the dating stage. Since things tend to get very chaotic when he gets anxious, I urge you to keep your needs on the back burner for a while and focus on family therapy for the two of you.
I'm really sorry that you have drawn the short straw here, with your wife just dropping out like that. It's very unfortunate, but it's the way life goes sometimes.
Find a way to keep your thoughts about it positive, maybe by reminding yourself that you are your son's lifeline, and that you want to model for him a healthy life and healthy relationships.
You are one man doing a two-person job, and you are doing the best that you can. I hope you can find a therapist and a reliable caregiver soon.
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That's tough. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a shame that happened to your mom and it sucks that his mother is moving far away. I wish you were able to find a nanny that can deal with him but I understand some people will feel completely overwhelmed with the situation. I imagine how exaughsting it can be. I'm also a single parent but luckily my mother helps out when she can. I really wish you the best of luck in your situation and hopefully things will get better for you and your son!
