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Hi all...new to the City-Data thing and came here after searching a bit (this was what I THOUGHT chat rooms were for, but boy did I get an education!).
I live in Northern Michigan, but this issue is a universal one. I have been dating a man whom I love very much for nearly two years now. He has his three children every other week and I have my one daughter full time.
We have an amazing and nearly perfect relationship on the weeks he doesn't have his children. I love his children and am used to all kinds of children (am a teacher and school counselor). However, I do not care for his parenting style at all. He believes that you can parent without consequences and I just believe that is wrong. His children are not monsters, as one might expect with no consequences, but there is a lot of back-talk, irresponsibility, etc. in them. My daughter has strict consequences for her actions and her social activities depend on her meeting certain expectations in the home and in her schoolwork.
We have discussed this until blue in the face. We even made up a "house rules" chart together, which we both agreed to and he adheres to when convenient. We are hoping to combine households and financial resources in the near future, but I am frustrated by these issues. We were raised COMPLETELY differently. He never finished college but is looking to go back, I value education, have two Masters degrees and plan for my daughter to go to college. Another detail is that he is totally into sports...I don't mean watching them on t.v., I mean he has his children involved in nearly every sport imaginable (sans soccer) and they are running to and fro year round. While I believe that being active in extra-curricular activities is important, I also believe that certain home and school standards should be achieved first and I also believe that "down time" is valuable for children as well as adults.
I hope this isn't "too much" info, but I wanted to give enough to hopefully represent some of the differences in styles...Would love to get some male perspectives on this...My heart is telling me one thing and my head another.
Also hope to make some new "e-friends" and have some intelligent conversations on here!
My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. When we first got married we got custody of his 2 girls, age 11 and 13. BEFORE the girls moved in I made up a list of house rules, along with a chore list. (My 3 children were grown and gone, so I had experience with soon-to-be teenagers.) Both my husband AND the girls' mother agreed to my lists -- their mother saying that they "needed" structure in their lives and she was unable (or unwilling) to provide it. One of the first things I did was join an on-line step-parent forum, then I started my own (which is no longer up). I got some INVALUABLE advice from these ladies. They also kept my sanity -- providing me a place to vent, rather than at my husband. The best advice I can give you at this point in time is that you and your friend MUST be on the same page PRIOR to setting up housekeeping together. I have a list of "step-parents bill of rights" that I can email to you. You can DM me and I can give you the link to a step-parents forum where you can get a lot of good advice.
Last edited by ontheroad; 03-03-2008 at 05:51 PM..
Reason: Email addresses are frowned upon; use DM system.
Hi all...new to the City-Data thing and came here after searching a bit (this was what I THOUGHT chat rooms were for, but boy did I get an education!).
I live in Northern Michigan, but this issue is a universal one. I have been dating a man whom I love very much for nearly two years now. He has his three children every other week and I have my one daughter full time.
We have an amazing and nearly perfect relationship on the weeks he doesn't have his children. I love his children and am used to all kinds of children (am a teacher and school counselor). However, I do not care for his parenting style at all. He believes that you can parent without consequences and I just believe that is wrong. His children are not monsters, as one might expect with no consequences, but there is a lot of back-talk, irresponsibility, etc. in them. My daughter has strict consequences for her actions and her social activities depend on her meeting certain expectations in the home and in her schoolwork.
We have discussed this until blue in the face. We even made up a "house rules" chart together, which we both agreed to and he adheres to when convenient. We are hoping to combine households and financial resources in the near future, but I am frustrated by these issues. We were raised COMPLETELY differently. He never finished college but is looking to go back, I value education, have two Masters degrees and plan for my daughter to go to college. Another detail is that he is totally into sports...I don't mean watching them on t.v., I mean he has his children involved in nearly every sport imaginable (sans soccer) and they are running to and fro year round. While I believe that being active in extra-curricular activities is important, I also believe that certain home and school standards should be achieved first and I also believe that "down time" is valuable for children as well as adults.
I hope this isn't "too much" info, but I wanted to give enough to hopefully represent some of the differences in styles...Would love to get some male perspectives on this...My heart is telling me one thing and my head another.
Also hope to make some new "e-friends" and have some intelligent conversations on here!
Thanks!
Male perspective here:
I would say the scenario you laid out spells disaster down the road. You guys are polar opposites when it comes to raising kids, and you will constantly be fighting about it. I think you can be polar opposites as a couple on a lot of things and still have a successful marriage, but not when it comes to parenting styles.
And while he is courting you now, he has shown very little interest in meeting you halfway on this. You even said that he only follows the house rules that you and he developed together, when "it's convenient". And you've talked until you're "blue in the face" (in other words, he stubbornly disagrees with you)?
From my perspective in our household with three school aged kids, 80 - 90% of the time spent together as a family is working through parenting issues: chores, homework, activities, shuttling the kids around, preparing meals, etc.. It's a constant test of parental balance. The rest of the 10 - 20% of family time is in leisure, and then the small sliver of whatever is left over is Wife and Me time. So that would mean that for you, 80 - 90% of the time you are all together with all four kids, you will be in a constant state of conflict (misery). And guess what, he will not change his parenting style unless he wants to, and it doesn't sound like he wants to. If he won't do it now while he's on his "job interview" with you, he's not going to do it when he gets the job.
I'm not saying that your style is right and his is wrong (although our style closely matches yours). He might believe that children get discipline through sports and being on a "team". But who is raising his children, him or the coach?
Sorry to be blunt, but that's how I sees it.
BTW: Do you watch SuperNanny?
Also, there is an entire section here at city-data devoted to relationships and a bunch of other topics, with people from all over the country:
I would say it's okay for dating -- but don't bother trying to combine households. I would advise leaving well enough alone -- just stay in separate households and continue to have a relationship.
Especially as his kids spend time with their own mother who most likely has a more relaxed style and would undo whatever you were trying to change about them. Listen to your head -- but to me the compromise would be to keep some things separate and enjoy time together if you enjoy that now.
The other problem I see -- 3 children will team up -- three children isn't like having one child. The siblings will support one another against a step mother who they feel is cracking the whip on them. Sometimes parents with more than one or two children end up less structured and less disciplinarian for that reason -- the kids wear them down or they decide to "choose their battles". Why put your child through all that -- 3 siblings raised another way living in the same house -- when she's used to a lot of structure.
I think Magellan hit the nail right on the head when he said that this scenario spells disaster down the road. I also like his relating this to a job interview -- fits perfectly. When we had my husband's daughters with us (they chose, after 2 years, to go live with their welfare mother who had basically abandoned them on our doorstep and moved 900 miles away) I used to always say that it was a good thing that my kids WERE grown and gone because our parenting styles were polar opposites. He wanted to be their friend, not their parent.
If you can present a united front in the presence of both sets of kids, you have a shot. Otherwise the kids will go nuts trying to manipulate you both.
If you are already in that much disagreement re: how to maintain the household I would suggest at this point you not make any moves to further things. Problem is even if you are right (or he is right) if you are the source of major change the kids are just going to resent you since they'll know it didn't come from their dad. You both have to actually believe in what you are advocating for your children. FTR furthering ones education would be an implicit value in my home so I agree with you and am unsure that, when it comes to parenting, I could be with someone who didn't value it in the same fashion.
I have not read anything yet. Just wanted to relate this story. When my daughter was born, I had read What to Expect When You Are Expecting which gave great play by play on what to expect while pg. It also gave great advice on after the birth and what to do. I was even geared up to buy the next book in the line when I got home from the Hospital.. that book was a bible to me and I also took instruction on what the nurses told me.... well my husband all the sudden WOULD NOT LISTEN TO ME. HE HAD ALL THE KNOW HOWS and I asked, " What have you read?" and I went on and said," Didn't I give you the book to read a few weeks ago and you tell me that you don't need it? " Everything we did in the hospital room with our new baby was a total conflict with him and he was getting very verbal with me and raising his voice... I was yelling at him when he decided to take left over formula that had been laying out and put it in a new bottle that was laying out.. I screamed no and he continued to do it saying we don't need to be wasteful. I knew better and WHY you don't... I then reached for the buzzard and the nurse came in immediatly and started in on him, telling him NOT to do that.... it was not clean! She wasn't nice to him and was grateful for the drill sargent type of nurse. From that moment on, he WAS NOT PIG HEADED and started to read on what to do.... and he listened to me... If he had been that difficult throughout the whole time, I would have been packing my bags and taking my baby with me.. he would have been an endangerment to our child due to him not listening or getting educated on what to give baby... Thankfully it worked out and today we parent the same.
Don't put those kids through a "live in" situation.
If you make a comitment to get maried, go for it.
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