Wanting another baby, but NO! (wife, play, child, classes)

[gentlearts]

Life is a series of what I think of as "endings". Every ending puts us closer to our own mortality. When we are young, we have everything ahead, and as we go through life we check the blocks and move ahead. By the time you're my age, it's, "will this be my last sofa?" LOL

So, if OP is done having children, it is one of life's endings. The alternative would be, "if I keep having children I'll live forever." OP should ask herself, if she has one more, will it be enough, or will she still have the same feelings she has now? If she has 2 or 3 more, will she still crave more? If so, she might as well be done now.

[bus man]

Originally Posted by Jane M

I hate that idea that it is selfish NOT to have kids. It's more selfish to have kids than to not have kids. Having kids is selfish for so many reasons. People have kids because
1.they think it will make their life better or more fulfilling,
2.they want a little "mini-me" that can fulfill all their dreams that they never reached.
3. they want a fun "project"
4. they want unconditional love
5. they want someone to "brag" about
6. they want to hold on to a dying relationship
7. they think they must have kids b/c it is the "womanly duty"
8. they want to make their parents happy ("where's my grandkids?!!" )
9. they want to seem normal ("how come you don't have any children?!!!)
10. they want someone to take care of them when they get old (not a guarantee, btw)
11. They want to experience "the miracle of life."
12. Back in the old days you had kids so there would be more hands to work on your farm.

Do any of those reasons sound selfless to you? No, they are all SELFISH as hell. Yet, they represent 99% of the reasons why people have kids.

I do not have children and never wanted them because I will tell you why: Every single person I have known on this planet in my 52 years has ALWAYS without exception, complained about their children and at points in their life regretted having them and there is always something they wish that they would have done instead.

I have never heard a woman (or a man for that matter) who chose not to have kids complain about their choice. EVER. This does NOT include women (or men) that CAN'T have children, only the ones who conciously chose.

And as for the population: YES, it is ALL our duties to control it. I don't care if you give birth to Einstein. Your little Einstein is not going to contribute much when a world with 11 billion people start killing each other over precious resources.

I expect a lot and I mean A LOT of hate for this post. But I just had to say it. Sorry if I offended anyone,

Just curious. Would you consider there to be any SELFLESS reasons for having children? Or should we all just cut it out right now, and let the human race die out?

[Whatsnext75]

Having children certainly isnt a selfish act in most cases. Many people have love and life experiences they simply want to share with children. I also dont think it's selfish to not have children. Some choose to give love to themselves, their partner, a hobby and that isnt selfish either.

Adopting a child or having a foster child is an extremely giving thing to do that seems rare. For whatever reason adoption is such a difficult process which i find baffling. Anyone can impregnate themselves or someone else fairly easily...but try and adopt a child who is already here and unwanted by their biological parents and it can take years. And yes i get that ivf can take years to work but you know what i mean. Ive heard very sad adoption stories where it didnt work out. It's sad because many people dont try the adoption route at all because it's so hard and well now there is ivf for people who cant get pregnant on their own.

For what it's worth i dont think ivf was particularly helpful to our species.

[Whatsnext75]

And jane m that was a bit harsh! Some people actually like kids!

[Jane M]

Originally Posted by Whatsnext75

And jane m that was a bit harsh! Some people actually like kids!

yeah, i agree. but unfortunately, a majority of people have kids for the stupidest reasons (mainly because they can't control their own fertility...."00ps! got pregnant!" sound familiar?) and the population is really hurting us. When people speak of global warming, food shortages, animal extinctions, all the garbage floating in the ocean, water tables dropping etc.. it is simply due to overpopulation. Yet hardly anyone addresses it.

I hear you about adopting...which probably is really selfless. Unless of course you are doing it to parade around a third world child to show everyone what good people you are. And again, people often don't adopt because, surprise! they want a little "mini me".

I had a sister in law who wanted a child and had trouble conceiving. She was in such a panic!! She fostered a child and about 2 months in, she became pregnant. Yay! What do you think happened to the foster kid? Sent him right back to the foster care system. Nice.

Anyway, I know I shouldn't condemn all you child bearers for the sins of the rest, but I am just cranky from years of defending my decision NOT to have kids.

[Jane M]

Originally Posted by bus man

Just curious. Would you consider there to be any SELFLESS reasons for having children? Or should we all just cut it out right now, and let the human race die out?

Not really. You could say that you are contributing to society by having children, and you would only be right if that child actually contributed to society. Most people will say "I am going to raises the most awesome child!" But you really never know what you're gonna get. Despite of or because of your upbringing, you're little gem might become a murderer, a thief, a drug addict, a narcissistic *******, a leach on society. Instead of wasting all your time grooming kids to become good citizens, take that time to make YOURSELF a good citizen. It is not necessarily mutually exclusive, but children take up a lot of time and resources that you could just be putting into your self improvement.

and yes, we should cut it out right now honestly. Let the earth get back down to 2 billion or so.

[GiGi603]

Originally Posted by Whatsnext75

So I have a son who will be 3 in May and a daughter who will be 10 months tomorrow.

Originally Posted by Whatsnext75

Well we do have a babysitter/nanny so yes a few hundred a week goes to her also along with another program my son is in.

Originally Posted by Whatsnext75

Some people actually like kids!

I am sorry--it is difficult for me to understand why you are in the thought process of having a third child.

If you like kids, how many hours a day are you spending with them?

If you like them, then figure out a way for them not to have a babysitter/nanny/programs. I liked kids. I had three. I rearranged my life to be there for them.

[GiGi603]

Originally Posted by Jane M

1.they think it will make their life better or more fulfilling,

My three sons did make my life better and more fulfilling.

[Melodica]

I don't really qualify to answer the question since I just had my first one at the end of December, but there's no way I'd have another... even if I was younger (I'm 37).

I honestly don't see how people have more than one. My pregnancy was miserable (I didn't sleep for the last month of it) and I still can't sleep much until the fates have mercy on me. I feel like I could sleep for a week straight and still not have enough!

[Whatsnext75]

Melodica you might change your mind. I know women who had terrible pregnancies then had premature babies who were very high maintenance due to low birth weight, etc. Many of these women were like im done, no more but changed their mind a year or two later. My first labor was sooo painful for about 24 hours until i had an epidural and nursing was really painful in the beginning which i didnt expect at all but i still had another. My pregnancies werent comfortable but i know others had it much worse.

One thing that made it difficult for me and caused a lot of anxiety for me was at my 20 week scans both of my babies had echogenic focus. My first had one that was seen in his heart, the second had one in her heart and abdomen area. These are soft markers for down syndrome. Neither of my drs were worried and said they are common but they are still markers for downs. Id already had genetic testing that was 99% for showing the babies didnt have any of these issues but these calcium deposits/EIFs caused me a great deal of worry. Both my kids were born perfectly healthy and it made both my dr and i kind of mad that these are still used as markers when they are common but there's just that feeling of you dont know. I could have had an amnio but there are risks with that too.

So not sure if i would want to deal with pregnancy worries like that again either.