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Move on. Meeting children after only a couple months is a HUGE red flag to begin with. And this problem is not going away. The sooner you break it off, the easier it will be.
And already leaving the kid alone with him for 8 hours is an even bigger red flag. The kid will probably be calling him daddy in another week.
My MIL got remarried to a man with 3 small children (5,8,12). He children were all adults (29,27,24,19). We couldn't figure out for the life of us why she would want to date and then marry someone with small kids and basically do it all over again. They have now been married 13 years but it has caused a lot of problems of the years between the two of them, not to mention she helped raise them. I personally wouldn't want to be part of a situation like that.
Ok, so here is my situation, and hoping to get some feedback and/or advice, because I am unsure how to handle this.
I started dating someone 7 years my junior (34) 2 months ago and things have progressed well between us with one small exception (literally), her 2 1/2 year old son.
I have always gotten along well with children, and they with me, however, I have found that I no longer have the ability it seems to stay calm and collected and relaxed around young kids. When she visits, she almost always has him with her, and he spends the night with her. I am in complete disagreement with many things when it comes to discipline and how he is allowed to behave, do what he likes, throw fits, ... you know, the normal things 2 1/2 year olds do, and it's causing friction.
Worse, I babysat one day while she had to go to work and I was with him for 8 hours. I was literally MISERABLE for the entire 8 hours. When my 17 year old daughter was small, I had none of these problems. I could handle the crying, the fits, the constant moving around and even the "I want that" until he gets it then doesn't want it all of a sudden. I was at my wits end by the time she arrived back. Now, with her work schedule, she asked if I could watch him while she got 4 to 6 hours of sleep at my house, and I told her that wasn't going to work well for me.
I do not understand why at 41 I am so against watching her child when I raised my own perfectly fine at 24. It seems I should be MORE calm and relaxed in my older age, but it's quite the opposite. I'm really concerned this is going to cause our relationship to end and am looking for any suggestions as to how I can relax and not go crazy trying to watch this kid. He's like a whirlwind, never settles down other than for a nap, always very loud and shrieking or crying, or or or ... omg. I'm feeling lost here.
Many comments here, so I'll take it line by line- first off, it is a lot easier to be patient with your own children then it is with someone else's, so that is going to be an issue right off the bat.
The big issue is how your relationship is starting- you should have gotten to know each other 1 on 1 first before her son is even in the picture. When I was single and dated a mom with a young girl I didn't even meet the girl until about 2 months in. So your relationship got off in the wrong way from the get go.
It is also much harder to discipline a child when you are a single parent, I've noticed in a lot of single parent homes the kids tend to run the show. Not blaming the moms, hell I have trouble with my 2 boys even with my wife around!
Also you are 41 now and having a young child thrust into your life is a lot different than having 9 months to prepare for your own child. I also don't like the fact she seems to be using you as a baby sitter- where is the childs dad/grandparents etc. Beware, some single moms use "nice guys" as a baby sitting service, insist on 1 on 1 time with her and offer to share the sitter costs- and lets see how much time she spends with you. If you ignore my advice and do sit for her son, the best thing for your sanity (not for the kid though) is to give him an electronic game or have him sit in front of the TV. This is a bad way to raise kids but it will make it a lot easier on yourself.
Another thing- this isn't 100% but it is definitely 80-90%. Young boys are FAR more rambunctious than young girls. No sane man could have spent 8 hours alone with my older son when he was 2 1/2, my younger one is a bit easier but not easy by any means. My niece on the other hand you hardly know she was there, I would have baby sat for her anytime- I offered my brother to switch kids for a day joking around and he just said "no effing way!". My kids are great- they are boys though, and that is how they are.
Finally the solution- no babysitting for the kid except in a genuine emergency, and tell her why and be honest (without judging her kid, he is probably just a normal kid who doesn't get as much attention as he needs with only one parent around. She will probably move on- good. If she doesn't then you might have a keeper, and by the time the boy is 6 or 7 you will love throwing the ball to him, playing LEGO's etc. Plus he will be in school.....
You need to get out of this relationship. It doesn't sound like you have the inclination to be involved with someone that has the responsibilities that she has. It is likely because you are past the life stage that she is just entering....intense parenting. Toddlers are a lot of work. You've been there, done that and got the t-shirt.
Personally, I do not think anyone should use their boyfriend/girlfriend for a built in sitter....Unless they have a real long term involvement.
Look for someone that either doesn't have kids, or has nearly grown kids like yourself.
Im not sure Id be so quick to end the relationship, but I think I would put my foot down on babysitting. Way too easy for her to start depending on you for that, and she shouldnt be. Her kid, her responsibility. What did she do before you came along for baby sitting?
I do think this relationship is much too early to be involving the child in every visit.
It may not be that you don't care to be around children any more, it could be that you don't want to be around THAT child and the way he acts.
I raised two boys who are now adult, so I WELL know what boys are like. At one point my oldest son was dating a girl with a 2 year old son. His name was Leo and I swear he was named after the LION. He was a monster. One weekend at our cottage, I was ready to give him shaken baby syndrome (kidding) when he heaved a rock at my 6 pound poodle and hit her on the head. The real corker was that the useless mother just lay on the couch and said "Leo, don't throw rocks at dogs" I'd only just met her so I didn't say out loud what I was thinking... which was "get off that freaking couch you lazy biotch and give that child a wallop on his arse!" He should have at LEAST had a time out.
Anyways, they didn't date long but during the time they were, I was thinking that if I had to be this child's step-grandmother, I wasn't going to be a very good grandmother. I was SO happy when he broke up with her. I didn't like her and her child was not a nice kid at all. (yes, I blame a lot on HER not disciplining him)
Yeah, I am very surprised that you have met her child at all. 2 months is WAY too soon to introduce a toddler to Mommy or Daddy's new boyfriend. That is a red flag for her decision-making skills.
As far as being 40 and impatient with a toddler, it's natural because, yes, you're older, you're an experienced parent (been there/done that) but with a long gap since you were "in the trenches," and you have not bonded with this child. You have just shown up in his life and are now filling in that Dad blank.
I would take a long, hard look at this relationship, and in the future take your time when meeting someone's children. Take SEVERAL months, in fact.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarnivalGal
Move on. Meeting children after only a couple months is a HUGE red flag to begin with. And this problem is not going away. The sooner you break it off, the easier it will be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliDude1
Indeed. I couldn't see allowing someone I've only known for two months to baby sit a 2 year old. Heck, my kids are much older and I still am very cautious of who I leave them with. Nothing personal against the poster. But that truly is a major red flag.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ryanms3030
And already leaving the kid alone with him for 8 hours is an even bigger red flag. The kid will probably be calling him daddy in another week.
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday
Im not sure Id be so quick to end the relationship, but I think I would put my foot down on babysitting. Way too easy for her to start depending on you for that, and she shouldnt be. Her kid, her responsibility. What did she do before you came along for baby sitting?
I do think this relationship is much too early to be involving the child in every visit.
Please reread these responses.
I have several friends who started dating again after divorces. I do not believe that any of them even introduced their child/children to a new man until they had been dating at least 4 to 6 months. And, most thought that the "appropriate time" to introduce their child/children to their "new honey" was after six months.
I can not imagine someone asking a BF of only two months to babysit their child on a regular basis. Huge Red Flags flying everywhere!
Get a playpen. Pay attention to the toddler once per hour. The rest of the hour, tune him out. Make sure he has plenty of toys in the playpen.
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