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I have two 13 year olds. WE have a dog and inside only cats. They both walk the dog and are totally responsible to the care for the dog and cats. They do dishes. They vacuum. They do laundry. They unload and put away groceries. They shovel snow. They even cook dinner a few times a week.
And they will try to get out of any punishment they can. Recently I took away nerf guns as they were playing with them when they were supposed to be doing something else. I hid them, and yep within a day they found them, and took them back. (I telework, so do not go anywhere to hide them somewhere else.) So the next consequence for them was a 9 pm bedtime, which they really hate...no tv shows at the 9 pm time slot for them. Now, they can watch their favorite shows the next day as they record the shows. And now the guns go with me around the house each day.
Teens are starting to venture out on their own, learn how to make decisions, learn how to manage their time, learn how to be independent . And THAT last one is a major goal I have for them so that they can grow up and be responsible adults. So they will make bad choices, try to get out of the consequences, etc. That is part of growing up. Parenting them and correcting them, and redirecting them is part of what I have to do as a parent.
I also make sure that they have interactions and relationships with other kids that will help them grow up with the values I want them to have. They both go to scouts, the boys and girls club, etc.
Maybe the OP can see if there are organizations that the daughter can join that will provide her with friends, keep her busy, reinforce family values, and help fill her time. Oh, and yes, kids can do chores REALLY fast and well when they want to go to scouts or some other event after its done.
I am going to point out the obvious. When you were 10, you were a 10 year old boy. Your daughter was a 10 year old girl. Perhaps she was the same weight and same height as you were and perhaps not. Perhaps she had the same upper body strength that you had at age 10 and perhaps not.
I know for a fact that our son was FAR, FAR stronger than our daughter at same ages. Once they hit puberty it was especially dramatic (DS was 6 foot tall, 250 pounds of solid muscle and was a linebacker on the football team and DD was 5' 2", weighed 95 pounds and was a ballet dancer).
I wish that I could recall their weights when they were 10 but I would not be surprised if DS was significantly, significantly heavier than DS.
So, yes there may be a difference between you walking two dogs at 10 and your daughter walking one dog at age 10.
She is very strong for her age, she helps carry and stack wood on weekends when we go up north.Her reward is Dairy Queen on the way home, and $$$.
I should also note, since other posters will take one sentence I say, and then assume the rest.. she really does enjoy helping stack and carry wood, we usually talk, and its our bonding time with just us.. I also give here the choice of not helping with firewood, but no Dairy Queen and no extra $$.
She has walked the dog probably 50 times before that incident. lots of time I was with, lots of time she was by herself.
I think that you are having some power trip issues.
Put the ipad in your car, as long as there is a phone for emergency use. Drive her to her friends homes and pick her up.....She will hate that but it will change her attitude re: visiting her friends.
I think you should take some parenting classes. By 13 you should have a bit more confidence in your choices.....If you don't have confidence how would you expect your child to have confidence. Go to a parenting group and learn some coping skills.
It is a 13 year olds job to challenge us, they are testing the waters and learning the ropes....part of transitioning into teens, then adult hood.
Make some deals with her, she seems normal, give her some after school chores that you can check on...then reward her so that she can internalize feeling proud and like she is doing something that you recognize. Be glad that she is as good as she is so far....teenage is the toughest stage....build a good communication and work on your relationship. Do some special things together, too soon she will be grown.
Also let her play with the kitten.....that is just silly.
I would absolutely not make a deal with a kid. It might work short-term, but long-term, the kid will expect better and better deals and you'll have to negotiate everything.
Pretty soon, your authority will be totally stripped.
The only times I would do that are in an emergency or maybe when they are home from break during college because then they are only temporary visitors and you can be more lenient with them.
She is very strong for her age, she helps carry and stack wood on weekends when we go up north.Her reward is Dairy Queen on the way home, and $$$.
I should also note, since other posters will take one sentence I say, and then assume the rest.. she really does enjoy helping stack and carry wood, we usually talk, and its our bonding time with just us.. I also give here the choice of not helping with firewood, but no Dairy Queen and no extra $$.
She has walked the dog probably 50 times before that incident. lots of time I was with, lots of time she was by herself.
If you are friends with her friends' parents, I would suggest having a barbecue and look for chances to hang out with her friends. If you are talking about chopping firewood, it's probably too cold out to do that now, but maybe you can get an event catered inside. No one says no to free food.
See if she seems to be the type that lies all the time. If she lies to her own friends, then clearly the issue runs far deeper and your solution is going to take longer to change. If she is honest with her friends, then it's probably more personal, but you can fix it easier.
It might take a few times for you to learn enough about your daughter's friends to detect when she's lying, but the time you put into that is well worth it.
Additionally, if your daughter's friend have a problem they need help on, they might ask for your advice and if it works, that gives you an opening to ask if the girl lies a lot. If she does, she will be eager to vent about that as well and you can find out what topics she tends to lie about.
If you are friends with her friends' parents, I would suggest having a barbecue and look for chances to hang out with her friends. If you are talking about chopping firewood, it's probably too cold out to do that now, but maybe you can get an event catered inside. No one says no to free food.
See if she seems to be the type that lies all the time. If she lies to her own friends, then clearly the issue runs far deeper and your solution is going to take longer to change. If she is honest with her friends, then it's probably more personal, but you can fix it easier.
It might take a few times for you to learn enough about your daughter's friends to detect when she's lying, but the time you put into that is well worth it.
Additionally, if your daughter's friend have a problem they need help on, they might ask for your advice and if it works, that gives you an opening to ask if the girl lies a lot. If she does, she will be eager to vent about that as well and you can find out what topics she tends to lie about.
I would go out on a limb and say she will lie if telling the truth gets her in trouble. I would bet she doesn't lie to her friends ever, or very rarely ...
generally we will say "don't do this ... " and then she will do it anyway, and then lie about it when asked or confronted.. .
I would absolutely not make a deal with a kid. It might work short-term, but long-term, the kid will expect better and better deals and you'll have to negotiate everything.
Pretty soon, your authority will be totally stripped.
The only times I would do that are in an emergency or maybe when they are home from break during college because then they are only temporary visitors and you can be more lenient with them.
I think your on to something here. .. can you tell me any more ?
so instead of saying, if you do your chores, you can have the ipad.. .. instead say ... do your chores ... then later if the chores are done give her the ipad ?
or make rules and stick to them, no wheeling and dealing ? no "bribing" with food money or ipads ?
if you took something away from a child , tv, cell phone, computer, whatever .... when they are home alone, would YOUR kid use it anyway ? assuming it wasn't locked up..
So if you put the tv on the fireplace, and say don't use it, we're going to the store, be right back ... do you think YOUR kid would sneak on it for 10 minutes, and if so, would you punish them ?
or would YOUR child not use it, until you said ?
I would lock it up. In the case of the TV, id lock the remote or put a password on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 191185
I think your on to something here. .. can you tell me any more ?
so instead of saying, if you do your chores, you can have the ipad.. .. instead say ... do your chores ... then later if the chores are done give her the ipad ?
or make rules and stick to them, no wheeling and dealing ? no "bribing" with food money or ipads ?
Make rules and stick to them.
" Do you chores and then you can talk to me about the IPAD".
Maybe your expectations are too much? For example, when you say " clean your room!!". what do you actually want? Her room spotless? just picked up? or just to listen to you? In our house, we just want: Bed Made, Toys Up, Trash out, Laundry away, swept...anything beyond that and i shut the door and let them live with their mess.
or
" Do the laundry!". Do you want brought to washer, washed/dryed/ironed/folded/hung? Just put in laundry spot?
You need to say your expectations and have them be reasonable.
Time out at 13 is a bit much but some reflection time isnt bad. Punishment should fit the crime.
I would go out on a limb and say she will lie if telling the truth gets her in trouble. I would bet she doesn't lie to her friends ever, or very rarely ...
generally we will say "don't do this ... " and then she will do it anyway, and then lie about it when asked or confronted.. .
But my point is if she doesn't do the same "don't do this" and then does it anyway with her friends, then you know it's something she personally has against you. If she does it to her friends too, then it's just a general problem.
You can't really know the difference without hanging out with them. With a well behaved child, you can just ask the child, but you can't believe a chronic liar.
If it's a personal problem against you, you need to find out what the issue is and then just resolve that. If she is a general liar, you have to rework the whole way she views ethics.
Also, the reason you have to hang out with them is anyone can fake it for 10-15 minutes in front of the adults, but the longer you spend with someone, the harder it is to always be fake and consistently be fake.
Sort of like a job interview. You're on your best behavior at the beginning of the interview, but the longer it goes, the more you start to revert back to your standard answers. If there's an inconsistency, you know she's probably always a liar.
What are your daughter's interests? What does she do with her friends? If they are super concerned about their weight, then lots of food probably won't help, but food does help with most people in getting them to do something they might not otherwise want to do.
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