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No matter how a child is raised there is no guarantee that the child will voluntarily care for their aging parent. Why do you and others always assume this will happen? It is not realistic nor practical for many who already have their own growing families with the possibility of their own children being ill or disabled in some way.
You assume your children will be there at all times which is merely an assumption on your part.
Uh, no. It is not an assumption, they have proven it to me time after time, and still continue to do it even today. When I broke up with my GF about 8 years ago, I told them I was going to move out and find an apartment temporarily. They said "Nope, move in with us" , which I did for a few years.
When I had my stroke, my one son took a week off of work and slept in my hospital room in a recliner, refusing to leave me alone. They have always been there for me, and I have always been there for them. Right now, I could call and ask any favor, and they would ask how soon they could help......and I would do the same for them in a heartbeat.
This isn't conjecture, it is the rewards for having a very tight family. We never have to ask each other for anything twice. So, you are wrong, some families are just closer than others, and that does not end at adulthood.
Geez citydata! The boy can't live at home forever. He has graduated from college and has a job. It's not like she's throwing him in the streets. Unless there is a good reason for him staying there, he needs to move out. I think that perhaps the OP's approach was abit over the top. But, what's done is done. However, she's not wrong for wanting her adult kid out on his own.
When my kids were little I told them it was my job to raise them to be independent, responsible adults.
Kids should naturally want to live on their own.
So true! Mines did. They were a little frightened at first so I helped them financially as much as I could before cutting that cord. But, looking back it was a great decision for them to get out on their own. They grew so much. Made their little mistakes (like we all do when we first start out), bounced back and are better people for it. That said, if they needed to come back for any reason they certainly could. Temporarily...
Geez citydata! The boy can't live at home forever. He has graduated from college and has a job. It's not like she's throwing him in the streets. Unless there is a good reason for him staying there, he needs to move out. I think that perhaps the OP's approach was abit over the top. But, what's done is done. However, she's not wrong for wanting her adult kid out on his own.
I'd give him a timeline and stick to it.
What if he can't afford his own place?The economy is terrible these days,cost of living,gas,food,etc
Heck i moved back with my mom couple months ago and I'll stay until i save up.Not that easy and i doubt ANYONE wants to be under someone else's rules.
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.
My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.
He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.
Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
OP, ignore the naysayers and everyone that is telling you that you're a bad Mom. You're not. You have a 23 year old man-child that needs to learn to live on his own. If he can't afford to do that, then will need to figure out a way to increase his income, or get a roommate. Perhaps more than one roommate. All of the things that he told you and called you? It's just a spoiled man-child trying to manipulate you. Most children are very good at tugging on Mamma's heart strings, and that's all that is happening. He has already demonstrated that he isn't reasonable, so you need to start (and complete) the eviction process.
What you need to do is make it unpleasant enough to live with you so that he will want to move out on his own. Do not give him access to any of your food, cut off or password protect your tv and internet service, do not do his laundry or domestically help in any way. Maybe invite guests all the time that you know he wouldn't like, walk around the house naked in front of him, or whatever else that would indicate you are simply enjoying *your* space. All the while, continue to be courteous and express willingness to help him figure out how to get him started on his road to independence.
OP, ignore the naysayers and everyone that is telling you that you're a bad Mom. You're not. You have a 23 year old man-child that needs to learn to live on his own. If he can't afford to do that, then will need to figure out a way to increase his income, or get a roommate. Perhaps more than one roommate. All of the things that he told you and called you? It's just a spoiled man-child trying to manipulate you. Most children are very good at tugging on Mamma's heart strings, and that's all that is happening. He has already demonstrated that he isn't reasonable, so you need to start (and complete) the eviction process.
Good luck!
You're assuming that her son doesn't EVENTUALLY want to live out on his own. Maybe he had plans to do that, but his Mom pulled a bait and switch after telling him he could stay there as long as he needed to.
He might have gotten pissed off because now instead of taking his time to get a better job(s), save up money, make sure his finances are in order to perhaps move out, etc. He now has the added pressure of his Mom telling him to find a place of his own without any regards to if he can even afford to do so. If she really wanted her independence and what not, she should have been straight up with him from the start.
It's not like her son is just living at home and not working or doing anything. It seems he's doing the opposite.
If you had asked before you told him to get out, I would have said to sit down and have a conversation about goals, and how to achieve them; meaning what kind of job would you like to get? Where have you applied? Once you get a full time job, do you think you'll get your own place? etc. You jumped the gun and went from "Stay as long as you want" to "Get out asap". The ship has sailed. He knows you want him out. He didn't know that before. If I were him, I'd want our asap.
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