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What do you mean by "such a thing"? You think I'm unreasonable for wanting a 23-year-old man not to live off me like a little boy? Ask anyone who was kids over the age of 22 if they still want their kids living with them. We'll always love our kids more than anything but our kids are going to outlive us. That's why it's important for our kids to become self-sufficient. And you know what else? I'm getting to be an old woman(I'm 53), which means I'm not going to be around much longer and so I want to enjoy a relaxing life while I can.
Pfhhhtttt.... I'm 66, my girl friend 59. We hike, climb hills, camp, sail, stay mostly in a tent when travelling and walk at least 2 miles a day or swim 20 lengths in the pool. You're only old if you THINK you are. Oh, and we have sex daily, usually more than 2 times a day, often 3 times, sometimes 4 times. We don't consider ourselves even remotely as old. We plan a healthy, active future for the next 25 plus years.
These are called observations. In this case they don't advance insight or recommend change. We already know the OP has an adult child moving out at TOO SLOW A RATE, and is hiding from life. We need input on how to change it. And to do that, we need something first: JUDGMENT!
We know no such thing, especially since OP had previously been OK with the arrangement. If OP had been clear from the beginning and the adult child was still not out after let's say 6 months, then yes this is a problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella
Don't be afraid to judge. That's religious incorrectness. We need people to judge, and not be afraid to discuss it. JUDGMENT makes the world go round and is a basic immutable human tool of survival and success. JUDGMENT is GOOD. DO IT!
It has nothing to do with religion. It has everything to do with individual circumstances that we don't know about. Furthermore, being too critical of others on an online forum usually causes the productivity level of the conversation to drop to approximately zero. That's why the moderators usually shut down those threads where the judgmental arguments get out of control.
Today's mindset for many boomerang children is that there's no stigma attached to living at home v. moving out and starting a life of their own. Therefore, to them, it's normal.
OP: you opened the floodgates with your initial posting because you'll receive comments claiming you're very selfish to you should have done a better job of rearing him.
Since, for him, his current living conditions are 'normal'; and since you told him he he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted, you do have a dilemma (but it can be rectified).
Albeit you want your 'space' back, you'll have to recognize and accept the fact that telling him now to move out may very well result in him separating from you emotionally as well as physically, and it doesn't appear you want him out of your life completely.
It's not too late to work out a solution that will benefit both of you while avoiding hurt feelings and emotional separation.
Let him know you still love him and show it by giving him guidance as to how he can begin a life in his own place: how to keep a job, budget his money, while learning all the ups and down that come with setting up his own 'house' (and/or how to find a roommate to share expenses with).
Why not set a goal of one year, with making a definite cut-off date (perhaps two years max)? That will give him time to learn all the cold hard facts of supporting himself while still having a good relationship with you.
He could be very scared to try it on his own, and just telling him to move out is not helping if he's not emotionally muture enough to handle it.
Wish you luck with this. Be patient with him, he's only 23, it's not as if he's 40 years old.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1to1onto
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.
My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.
He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.
Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.
My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.
He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.
Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
You're sad...he is just starting life after college. Give him a break! Hes only 23
How is that fair? It's my house, not his. I'm the one paying the bills. It's my choice as to who gets to live there or not, just like you get to choose who lives or doesn't live in your house. It was nice enough of me to let him stay with me for a few months. He's 23, he should be supporting himself in his own place. How many 23-year-olds live with Mommy? I was stupid for even thinking of letting him live with me.
Next time you get in a generous moment go put a down payment on a studio apartment. (For him)You should have never said for him to stay as long as he liked. Big mistake! We learn by experience so remember that next time.
Next time you get in a generous moment go put a down payment on a studio apartment. (For him)You should have never said for him to stay as long as he liked. Big mistake! We learn by experience so remember that next time.
And then what happens if he doesn't pay the mortgage?
Pfhhhtttt.... I'm 66, my girl friend 59. We hike, climb hills, camp, sail, stay mostly in a tent when travelling and walk at least 2 miles a day or swim 20 lengths in the pool. You're only old if you THINK you are. Oh, and we have sex daily, usually more than 2 times a day, often 3 times, sometimes 4 times. We don't consider ourselves even remotely as old. We plan a healthy, active future for the next 25 plus years.
Your mom will catch you staying up late on the computer, better watch it
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