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Not at all. We were independent and encouraged to save money. I don't have a wife--I have a husband and there's nothing wrong with our relationship or how we treat each other. Growing up we weren't babied or spoiled. We weren't forced out of the house. If we wanted to leave, we could. My brother and I turned out to be very successful individuals, married successful individuals and both of us have independent willed kids.
No need for the condescending attitude.
I see you are from Long Island, I'm getting an "Everybody Loves Raymond," theme here...couldn't imagine celebrating my 30th birthday, then going to my room.
unless he paid part of the rent, he is not a tenant but a guest of the house owner
I don't know of a single state in which that is true. Perhaps you can provide a reference, because generally paying the rent or not has nothing to do with establishing a tenancy. Living in a place for 7 months, as the son has, establishes a tenancy.
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guests can be kicked out and when they refuse to leave, the cops will remove them as they are trespassing
No, the cops do not remove people purely on your say-so. If you've gone through the courts by filing an Unlawful Detainer action and are granted a Writ of Possession, in most places you can have the sheriff's department physically (if necessary) remove the interloper.
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not sure what op meant by he contributes to household, might make him a tenant or not, if he bought food for the fridge as contribute vs paying bills
Irrelevant. He's a tenant. He will have to be evicted if he doesn't leave voluntarily. More and more parents are having to do this.
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.
My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.
He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.
Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
I have only one kid too, so I know I will still want to see her often when she becomes an adult. With that said, the OP has every right to want to have her own space back. She already did a great job of putting him through college. He's a 23 years old man with a college degree. It'll be good for him to be on his own. The OP won't do him any good to keep babying by letting him live with her. He can share a room at someone's house in the beginning, then getting his own place later. He'll be more motivated to get a better job to better his life.
Even with a minimum wage job, he can still bring home at least $1500 a month if he works full-time. That's plenty for a single man to live on. He already gets the entitlement attitude toward his own mother instead of being grateful to her for letting him staying with her. If she continues to enable that, he'll never grow up to be a man.
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.
My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.
He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.
Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
It's not what you said, it was the time limit. 2 months? That's rather tight. 6 months is enough time.
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.
My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.
He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.
Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.
You have my sympathies. I just want to explain what can happen in the best of situations when a predetermined-length living arrangement is agreed upon by both parties.
An ex-neighbor/friend called us out of the blue, told us long sad stories about how he'd been laid off or fired from various jobs, said he had landed a one year contract in our town and could he come and stay with us for a while?
I said Yes, with conditions. Under no condition was he to stay beyond four months. We would not cook or clean or buy groceries with him in mind -- he was totally on his own there. He agreed and showed up at the appointed date.
Four months later, there was no sign of him preparing to leave. I mentioned casually that I expected a visit from my MIL in the near future and we would need the guest room back. He reacted like a scalded cat, much like your son.
I kept the pressure on and he did find another living arrangement, though there was much resentment expressed and we will never be friends again.
It's an old expression but a valid one: No good deed goes unpunished.
Your son is not sufficiently mature, apparently, to understand another person's point of view. Our friend didn't want to admit we had another point of view, as his free rent here enabled him to buy lots of toys for himself.
He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months.
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Instead of 60 days you now have 50. Keep up with the name-calling and disrespect and it will be 40. Want to keep running your mouth. Let's see how fast you can be out.
On a side note, he must have been coddled or enabled somewhat to talk that way to you or feel that much of a sense of entitlement. My daughter would never speak to me that way.
Well, it is hard. while i understand your wanting your life back, he is only 23.
I don't know what field he has a degree in and why he is not able to find a job that allows him to support himself, but weren't you aware of the scarcity of jobs in his field when he applied for college?
Can he find a job in his field in another city?
I mean, you two should have a serious conversation in which you should make your intentions clear: you love him but you want him to succeed in life and he can't stay with you till the day you die. He needs eventually to become more responsible. You should also try to find out what his intentions are and examine the possibilities of finding of job in your town? Why don;t you help him find a job. After all he is your son and want to do what's best for him. You can't simply say get out without a calm discussion first. One day you will be old and he will turn his back on you.
You giving him an ultimatum sparked the fury in him. You should be calmer and more rational and so does him. Remember that human brain is fully developed at the age of 26 so at 23 he might still make mistakes. Remember that in many societies - even in Europe - kids live with their parents longer. In India men live with their parents their whole life. They bring home the bride. So, take this with a grain of salt. Talk to him, like you would with an adult, first and then make a decision.
Stop. Lazy 20-30 year olds still living at home is not normal. Further it doesn't matter what the "kid" does or doesn't do.
If the parent wants them to move out, that's all that matters.
Coddling someone like this only enables them, and encourages this behavior throughout their lives.
Tell him the date of departure. If that doesn't work, call the cops!
Yeah, because EVERY kid who's between the ages of 20-30 and still living at home is lazy and doing nothing with their lives. . Not to mention, the parents may not actually mind their kids still living at home for as long as they want to or can.
And you assume that the OP's son doesn't eventually want to move out when he has the finances to do so.
Quit the generalizations.
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. Not to mention, the parents may not actually mind their kids still living at home for as long as they want to or can. 