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Interesting. So I'm getting that most of you agree that my daughter owed her grandmother the courtesy of answering her, and that to not answer her was misbehavior. I may have to rethink my view then. Last night I remember being fairly adamant that while our daughter was obligated to answer to me or her father, she had no such obligation to grandma, who is merely a guest in our house, and not a member of the household that our daughter is beholden to.
But if most of you are thinking that she is obligated to be nice to grandma, I must conclude that I am in the wrong in this respect, and must be feeling the stress of having a non-contributing guest in the house for 6 months, and am starting to be unreasonable. I'm upset about grandma, and taking it out on husband. This is good to know.
I guess that begs question number 2. How do I get grandma out without being disrespectful? Her old house has been rented, and she has been working a part time job at the senior center for a few months now. She keeps saying that she has not yet saved up enough money, but then she keeps spending her money needlessly. Shopping, out to eat, gifts for the grandkids, table decorations, pedicures, a new tablet, etc. Not excessive (it was a cheap tablet), but she's spending at least an extra $100-$200 a week on things she doesn't need. I wouldn't care except, well, she doesn't seem to be planning to go anywhere. Ever. And I know I invited her and told her she could stay as long as she needed... I just didn't think we'd get this far... Gah. This is totally my fault too isn't it guys.
Your husband doubled down and made the whole situation worse, but he was right. Your daughter owed her grandmother a considerate response. All she had to do was say, "I liked it! Think I'll go to bed now."
This right here.
Ignoring a person who addresses you is rude. You don't have to engage in a long conversation but you should absolutely acknowledge them.
That said, you or your husband, instead of making it a teachable moment, made the situation worse.
Interesting. So I'm getting that most of you agree that my daughter owed her grandmother the courtesy of answering her, and that to not answer her was misbehavior. I may have to rethink my view then. Last night I remember being fairly adamant that while our daughter was obligated to answer to me or her father, she had no such obligation to grandma, who is merely a guest in our house, and not a member of the household that our daughter is beholden to.
But if most of you are thinking that she is obligated to be nice to grandma, I must conclude that I am in the wrong in this respect, and must be feeling the stress of having a non-contributing guest in the house for 6 months, and am starting to be unreasonable. I'm upset about grandma, and taking it out on husband. This is good to know.
I guess that begs question number 2. How do I get grandma out without being disrespectful? Her old house has been rented, and she has been working a part time job at the senior center for a few months now. She keeps saying that she has not yet saved up enough money, but then she keeps spending her money needlessly. Shopping, out to eat, gifts for the grandkids, table decorations, pedicures, a new tablet, etc. Not excessive (it was a cheap tablet), but she's spending at least an extra $100-$200 a week on things she doesn't need. I wouldn't care except, well, she doesn't seem to be planning to go anywhere. Ever. And I know I invited her and told her she could stay as long as she needed... I just didn't think we'd get this far... Gah. This is totally my fault too isn't it guys.
"Merely a guest in our house" ?
Wow. I was brought up that guests in our house get extended even more courtesy. Of course we should all be courteous to everyone, but guests (and grandparents in particular) get the benefit of being the recipient of attention to manners.
*also wanted to add that politely responding to a question is not the same as "answerable to".
And I agree that grandma isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
Last edited by maciesmom; 02-15-2017 at 02:29 PM..
Mom, do not be overly hard on yourself because there is added stress in your home brought on by an extended visit. Back to the original incident ... all your daughter had to say was, "The movie was okay. I am tired and need to go to sleep now." At her age, nobody expected a Siskel and Ebert type of movie commentary. Before you and your husband go into the bedroom later, have some ice cream. You can come back here tomorrow and thank me then.
Interesting. So I'm getting that most of you agree that my daughter owed her grandmother the courtesy of answering her, and that to not answer her was misbehavior. I may have to rethink my view then. Last night I remember being fairly adamant that while our daughter was obligated to answer to me or her father, she had no such obligation to grandma, who is merely a guest in our house, and not a member of the household that our daughter is beholden to.
But if most of you are thinking that she is obligated to be nice to grandma, I must conclude that I am in the wrong in this respect, and must be feeling the stress of having a non-contributing guest in the house for 6 months, and am starting to be unreasonable. I'm upset about grandma, and taking it out on husband. This is good to know.
I guess that begs question number 2. How do I get grandma out without being disrespectful? Her old house has been rented, and she has been working a part time job at the senior center for a few months now. She keeps saying that she has not yet saved up enough money, but then she keeps spending her money needlessly. Shopping, out to eat, gifts for the grandkids, table decorations, pedicures, a new tablet, etc. Not excessive (it was a cheap tablet), but she's spending at least an extra $100-$200 a week on things she doesn't need. I wouldn't care except, well, she doesn't seem to be planning to go anywhere. Ever. And I know I invited her and told her she could stay as long as she needed... I just didn't think we'd get this far... Gah. This is totally my fault too isn't it guys.
LOL grandma is never moving out FYI
Also, grandma is never "just a guest" in your house. If an elder relative asks a simple question, a child should answer. Your husband was right to correct her but should have recognized that the child was tired (and pouty) and would never step up fully to his demands in that moment.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 02-15-2017 at 01:44 PM..
She was a tired and disappointed 8 year old. Instead of escalating the situation by demanding she answer, your husband should have focused on being a parent rather than his mother's child and said Ok, it's a late night, we'll have our family version of "At the Movies" (movie critic TV show) tomorrow. It's not disrespectful of a grandmother to acknowledge she asked the question while at the same time acknowledging his daughter's fatigue and need to be quiet at that point in time.
And he would have modeled an appropriate response that your daughter could have made, to say that she was too tired at the moment but they could talk tomorrow. A tired 8 year old might feel that way but not be capable of coming up with the appropriate words to use, and it's a parent's job to show them.
As for getting Grandma to move out, I'd say that's a question that deserves its own thread.
And he would have modeled an appropriate response that your daughter could have made, to say that she was too tired at the moment but they could talk tomorrow. A tired 8 year old might feel that way but not be capable of coming up with the appropriate words to use, and it's a parent's job to show them.
I'm on your side. Your daughter was probably tired and kind of sad about the ice cream and just didn't feel like talking. Your DH took it too far.
It's also possible that she's just stressed about Grandma suddenly moving in and changing the whole dynamic of the house and family. That's not to say she doesn't love her grandmother, but maybe she misses the time she used to spend with just her parents.
Heck, I adore my MIL, but if she's here for more than a week, I start getting testy. It's stressful feeling like I have to always be polite or entertain her and changing the routine of the household.
Interesting. So I'm getting that most of you agree that my daughter owed her grandmother the courtesy of answering her, and that to not answer her was misbehavior. I may have to rethink my view then. Last night I remember being fairly adamant that while our daughter was obligated to answer to me or her father, she had no such obligation to grandma, who is merely a guest in our house, and not a member of the household that our daughter is beholden to.
But if most of you are thinking that she is obligated to be nice to grandma, I must conclude that I am in the wrong in this respect, and must be feeling the stress of having a non-contributing guest in the house for 6 months, and am starting to be unreasonable. I'm upset about grandma, and taking it out on husband. This is good to know.
I guess that begs question number 2. How do I get grandma out without being disrespectful? Her old house has been rented, and she has been working a part time job at the senior center for a few months now. She keeps saying that she has not yet saved up enough money, but then she keeps spending her money needlessly. Shopping, out to eat, gifts for the grandkids, table decorations, pedicures, a new tablet, etc. Not excessive (it was a cheap tablet), but she's spending at least an extra $100-$200 a week on things she doesn't need. I wouldn't care except, well, she doesn't seem to be planning to go anywhere. Ever. And I know I invited her and told her she could stay as long as she needed... I just didn't think we'd get this far... Gah. This is totally my fault too isn't it guys.
I think your daughter owed grandma a response. I still think your husband was in the wrong. This didn't have anything to do with him and grandma brought him into to it by giving him the look. Grandma is a grownup and was perfectly capable of handling the situation with her granddaughter. She could have said, " I see your tired and upset about not getting your ice cream. Let's talk tomorrow."
As for how you get her out of your house. Talk with your husband and come up with a plan and then together execute it. I commend you for having her there for 6 months. I couldn't do it.
She was a tired and disappointed 8 year old. Instead of escalating the situation by demanding she answer, your husband should have focused on being a parent rather than his mother's child and said Ok, it's a late night, we'll have our family version of "At the Movies" (movie critic TV show) tomorrow. It's not disrespectful of a grandmother to acknowledge she asked the question while at the same time acknowledging his daughter's fatigue and need to be quiet at that point in time.
And he would have modeled an appropriate response that your daughter could have made, to say that she was too tired at the moment but they could talk tomorrow. A tired 8 year old might feel that way but not be capable of coming up with the appropriate words to use, and it's a parent's job to show them.
Agreed. 8 years old seems a little young to be a whiz at that "cut off the convo after the 2nd question" technique, which is a particularly adult passive-aggressive skill, especially when she is tired and disappointed on top of it all. She probably figured that once she responded she was going to be trapped in a long conversation with chatty Grandma and then there would be no escaping.
It might be worth mentioning in the morning, but certainly not worth a grounding. Husband over-reacted for a relatively minor offense.
Kudos to all the posters who respectfully respond 100% of the time that anyone verbally addresses them.
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If an elder relative asks a simple question, a child should answer. Your husband was right to correct her but should have recognized that the child was tired (and pouty) and would never step up fully to his demands in that moment.
