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Old 02-17-2017, 08:46 AM
 
12,003 posts, read 11,819,746 times
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Birth control immediately comes to mind. At their ages, both should know about the risks of not using contraception and the disaster a pregnancy would present. A baby would compound the problem enormously. If you can get them to agree about that at least, you can lessen at least some of the fall-out by insisting that they be responsible and use BC.

That is not condoning the relationship or teenage sex in any way. Let them know this. Regardless of their being step-siblings, sex at 16 and 17 is not in their best interests. But it sounds as if that cat is already well out of the bag. So - pragmatics first, and that's birth control.

These teens are not biologically related and as others have said, they probably do not feel like brother and sister, as they did not grow up together. So the relationship is not technically incestuous, although it may still have the "Eeuuw" factor for some.

But at their ages, living in the same house, if the romance goes sour, life is going to become very painful afterwards for at least one and probably both of them. Right now, I expect they feel caught up in what they think is everlasting love like no other that's ever been before, and it's all fresh and new and magical - with hormones thrown in.

So sit them down, and see if they will level with you. Then point out the risks, and observe that since they are engaging in very adult behavior at rather tender ages, you are going to speak to them in an adult fashion.

Then lay it out about the usual risks and brevity of teenage romance and the pain of the break-up, a pain which would be exacerbated by living in the same house and seeing each other not only daily, but throughout the day: morning, noon and night.

Ask them to observe some celibate boundaries for a few months, and to try a break from sexual/romantic activity and substitute additional activities with family and friends. They can still hang out together, ideally not one on one but with friends or family, but no lovey-dovey cuddles, etc.

Tell them they are on their honor to do this - that if after they are legally adult (ideally at 21 but you may have to settle for 18), they are still in love and are able to make viable plans for their future, then they will be free to act on it. But until then, they are minors, living under your roof, and you and your spouse get to call the shots as their parents.

Do they have other close friends with whom they share confidences? This is a good thing, but make sure they do not use those friends to meet up if you put these boundaries in place. Tricky here - you may or may not want to alert their friends' parents, depending on the local gossip potential.

You might also want to look into separate but coed summer camps for them. Variety is the spice of life...and a summer romance or ideally, two, might help break up the lovebirds. It might be well-worth the investment.

If the appeal to maturity and good judgment doesn't work, ask them if they want to have your husband move in with your son and you move in with your stepdaughter. That would certainly reinforce the parent role. Just be aware that love (and what often passes for love) will find a way. Keep your eye on the long view and focus on damage control for now. Best wishes to you.

 
Old 02-17-2017, 08:49 AM
 
2,411 posts, read 1,957,713 times
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If you discover this (that they are sleeping together) is indeed true, other than having a talk with them, what will you DO about it, long term, if they decide to defy you? Will you send (at least) one away to boarding school or perhaps back to live with their other parent? Which one?


You and your husband need to think about that - together. If the problem is drugs, not sleeping together, that may be at least more cut and dried to deal with, even if ultimately it is a more difficult and even scarier problem. That problem might also not be quite as destructive to your relationship with your husband either - because you can stand together against the 'problem' as opposed to being pulled apart by the issue of whose kid do we send away.


Good luck.
 
Old 02-17-2017, 09:13 AM
 
Location: The Carolinas
2,511 posts, read 2,802,663 times
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Take their doors off the hinges and store them.

Make sure they know to use contraception.

Tell them you "don't want this" in your house.

They're two, unrelated young adults: it's legal.

Work up a Plan B if this does not work.
 
Old 02-17-2017, 09:31 AM
 
18,492 posts, read 15,458,741 times
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If my parents had barged in on me like some of you are suggesting, I'd spend the first 5-7 years of my adult life refusing to ever visit them again. That is just not cool and shows an extreme lack of respect. YMMV.
 
Old 02-17-2017, 09:58 AM
 
24,521 posts, read 18,026,656 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan View Post
OP, what upsets you most? That teenagers are (possibly) having sex in your home? Or that they are step-siblings?

I feel like when you have two teenagers not biologically related and recently started spending a lot of time together, that it shouldn't come as a surprise that feelings may develop. Since they are not biologically related nor even view one another as brother/sister (it's not as if they grew up together from early childhood), I wouldn't make them feel like their relationship is incestuous.

You can forbid them from having sex, but I wouldn't be surprised if they continued doing it. Even if you remove the doors to their rooms, they will sometimes be alone in the house. They are teenagers with raging hormones, after all.

It's going to get complicated because you all live in the same house as a family. It's going to be difficult to make them stay apart. You and your husband need to set them down and have a mature, rational,honest discussion with them.
This, basically

At age 16 and 17, it's not exactly shocking news that unrelated teens living under the same roof are having sex.

I also don't get the whole "I can't talk to my husband about it" thing. It's a pretty defective relationship if you can't discuss something like this with your spouse.

The highest priority needs to be a frank discussion about birth control. You don't want a teen pregnancy on your hands. Beyond that, moral outrage and issuing edicts are going to get you nowhere. It would be way better to approach this as calmly and openly as possible. You don't want a pregnancy. You don't want what they're doing to blow up and explode your own marriage. In a year or two, they're both 18, adults, and can do whatever they want. Until then, you can't order them to stop having sex but you can calmly coach them about why it's a bad idea while you're all living under the same roof.
 
Old 02-17-2017, 10:09 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,752,369 times
Reputation: 28029
Birth control, yes.

Taking the doors off the rooms, no. My mother did that (not because of sex, I can't remember why but it was something very minor) and it was horrible to have no privacy to get dressed and no way to close out the sound of everyone else in the house or to keep pets or visiting toddlers out of the rooms.
 
Old 02-17-2017, 10:13 AM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,400 posts, read 6,339,860 times
Reputation: 9636
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
This, basically

At age 16 and 17, it's not exactly shocking news that unrelated teens living under the same roof are having sex.

I also don't get the whole "I can't talk to my husband about it" thing. It's a pretty defective relationship if you can't discuss something like this with your spouse.

The highest priority needs to be a frank discussion about birth control. You don't want a teen pregnancy on your hands. Beyond that, moral outrage and issuing edicts are going to get you nowhere. It would be way better to approach this as calmly and openly as possible. You don't want a pregnancy. You don't want what they're doing to blow up and explode your own marriage. In a year or two, they're both 18, adults, and can do whatever they want. Until then, you can't order them to stop having sex but you can calmly coach them about why it's a bad idea while you're all living under the same roof.
This. And ditto Hokie.
 
Old 02-17-2017, 11:19 AM
 
1,585 posts, read 1,918,531 times
Reputation: 4958
Quote:
Originally Posted by ncole1 View Post
If my parents had barged in on me like some of you are suggesting, I'd spend the first 5-7 years of my adult life refusing to ever visit them again. That is just not cool and shows an extreme lack of respect. YMMV.
If you were banging your step-sibling, in your parents house, the whole respect thing goes right out the window.
 
Old 02-17-2017, 11:36 AM
 
18,492 posts, read 15,458,741 times
Reputation: 16150
Quote:
Originally Posted by chb119 View Post
If you were banging your step-sibling, in your parents house, the whole respect thing goes right out the window.
Step-siblings are not incest, sure parents may object but why would I want to stay at the house of someone who violates my privacy instead of actually talking about it like a non-control-freak?

I'd be happy to meet my parents even if they did something like this, I just wouldn't want to sleep at their house. Breach of trust.
 
Old 02-17-2017, 11:37 AM
 
Location: At the Lake (in Texas)
2,316 posts, read 2,546,998 times
Reputation: 5936
Quote:
Originally Posted by elliedeee View Post
you and your husband are both parents. Act like parents. Discuss your concerns with him and see what his suggestions are. Personally, after discussing it with my husband i would ask my son what if anything is going on and ask my husband to ask his child. You can usually tell if kids are being truthful or not. Just have a plan b if you don't get the answer you're hoping for.
this ^^^^^^^^^^^
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