Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The real matter here is did you - as her parents - raise her to be an stable, critical and thoughtful person capable of making good decisions? Because life is going to happen to her, regardless of "house rules."
I totally agree with you, Truckwife. The first time this happened with the middle daughter, it had gotten to the point where he was showering here and she was doing his laundry. When they decided to have sex (I know, not the first time) when I was home, my mother was also there. I had brought her for awhile to recover from whole brain radiation treatment for cancer and so that I could return to my job after FMLA was up. Just about 30 minutes after my husband had left for a work trip over 3 days. So I was alone to try and handle it and when he got home he told me I must have imagined the rapidly creaking mattress, or that maybe they were playing a game.
So now, I'm right back there, except this time it's a girl. My eighteen year old step-daughter is attracted to a twenty year old girl. So Saturday, I am walking past the room and I hear moaning. Of course I feel right back where I was before because my husband chose not to believe me. I shouldn't have even bothered, I guess.
I believe that homeowners have every right to feel at ease and comfortable in their own house. If an activity or person in your home doesn't feel ok in your house, you get a say. Or at least you SHOULD. If not, then something has to change.
Regardless of if your adult step-child has a male or female in the bedroom, the point is if you feel uncomfortable & don't want a certain behavior in your house, that behavior must stop or go elsewhere.
I understand that people often have to bite their tongue at work & other public places but your house should be your sanctuary. If you can't feel content where you live & speak freely there, then it's not technically your home anymore.
And as far as the O.P's daughter threatening to go elsewhere, quit school, move in with her boyfriend, etc: I say, look, this young lady is legally an adult so if she does any or all of that, she is old enough to reap the consequences.
Parents should not feel afraid to speak up in their own house just because of what a grown child may or may not do.
Last edited by TruckWife518; 03-01-2017 at 03:08 PM..
Oh good lord...this site needs to set guidelines for people who write first posts...like they should be members for a month or reply to so many posts or have a rep number higher. I mean...really?
I think we have lots of old posters with antique thinking.
For legal purposes, your daughter is an adult. I suggest she get boarding at school for next semester so she can have her freedom. She is not 14. At her age I did buy a house and live with my boyfriend.
I did stop going to college so I could work a few jobs and pay the mortgage. I did have my first child by 24.
Or you could encourage her to stay in school by not making this a battle. Get her access to birth control and tell them to go to her room for privacy, because no one needs to see what they are doing under the blankets.
Best suggestion yet. If she were living in a dorm or apartment at school, this wouldnt be an issue. She would just need to be on her "best behavior" when they visited your house (which wouldnt be as frequent because she would be a guest).
I don't see the big deal. They've been dating for months and are probably having sex already anyways. I plan to have the rule that once my son is 18 he can have overnight guests if they're in a serious committed relationship.
Get back to us when he turns 18. That's awfully young, IMO!
Quote:
Originally Posted by dijkstra
She grew up and is a 20 year old adult and he is 22. What do you expect?
You have a choice to make. Are you going to continue with the stance she can't have a boyfriend in her room or is she going to go to his place and sooner than later shack up with him? That is where this is headed.
As for him having a girlfriend and hiding it from your daughter for a couple of months....that is typical late teens early twenties dating. You always keep the piece you are getting until you find the new one you like better. Pieces of a$$ are like jobs, it is harder to find one when you don't have one so always find another before you leave the current one. That is dating 101, everybody should know that for crying out loud. Then you mentioned she dated him for 3 months before introducing him to you, the parents.....if you want to lose a new boyfriend, take him home to meet your parents in the first few months. lol Most guys will think "whoa, she wants me to meet her parents. I'm not trying to get married yet."
My guess is more that he didn't want to meet the fam b/c he had this other girlfriend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
"Should be" but isn't. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
She has aged, but she hasn't "grown up."
Most college kids I know, while they COULD be taking care of themselves, do not live independently and still consider themselves part of their parents' household, since that is where they go on breaks. This girl apparently is a commuter student, which blurs the boundaries even more.
To be fair, Mom hasn't "grown up" either, and she obviously still pictures her daughter as a child and not an adult. That certainly isn't helping the situation.
Oh, for Pity's Sake! Do you have any kids that old? Lots of parents say that stuff. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't want their kids to grow up, or that they don't see their kids as adults. I do have to say, 20 is quite young, when I was 20, "adulthood" was considered 21. Even given that 18 is now the age of majority, a lot of these kids don't exactly act "major". It's also hard to go from being "the parent" in a parenting sense to being just another adult.
Quote:
Originally Posted by photobuff42
Actually the two of them hijacked today's appointment for my husband and I. He told me when I was walking out to go.... I don't know if that is good or bad. I need to talk to the therapist. But after step-daughter hung up on the therapist and told her she didn't need her, that she had plenty of people to talk to, I wanted her to apologize to the therapist. So I am glad there is an opportunity for that.
An apology would be nice, but the therapist has probably heard it all before, and probably wasn't as upset as you!
Oh, for Pity's Sake! Do you have any kids that old? Lots of parents say that stuff. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't want their kids to grow up, or that they don't see their kids as adults. I do have to say, 20 is quite young, when I was 20, "adulthood" was considered 21. Even given that 18 is now the age of majority, a lot of these kids don't exactly act "major". It's also hard to go from being "the parent" in a parenting sense to being just another adult.
Oh, look, I got a "pity's sake" from "Katarina Witt." LOL
Yes, I have two sons that age, and I recognize the signs of a mom who has not caught up to where her kids are. No one said she needs to be "just another adult," but her parenting, as you well know, needs to be age appropriate.
I DO have rules for my house, but the 20-somethings don't follow the same rules the 13-year-old does.
The OP needs to recalibrate, which is NOT the same as giving up or giving in.
An apology would be nice, but the therapist has probably heard it all before, and probably wasn't as upset as you!
I agree with you Katarina, but step-daughter has never had to be accountable for her actions. Just as an aside, I think you might have major problems if you hang up on your therapist.
My just turned 20 year old daughter is living at home while going to college and working part time and for the most part pretty responsible. A little history: She has been seeing a 22 year old guy she works with for about five months now, but my husband and I only met him two months ago. For three months they were only "casually " dating so she didn't see the need in bringing him home to meet us right away, but since then have become much more serious. During this three months she found out he actually had a long term girlfriend and he'd been lying to her about being single. Long story short he left his girlfriend and convinced my daughter into continuing the relationship with him, and she did after stewing on it for a week (I wasn't happy about that). We decided that the best we could do for my daughters safety was to try and get to know him and not be judgmental (this might push her away). So we invited this young man into our home and tried to make the best of it. He seems like a decent guy, besides the fact that he was dishonest to my daughter. He seems to really like her and she him. So now that he has been coming over a lot in my opinion hes getting a little comfortable way too fast for my liking. We said "no" to the two of them hanging out and watching tv in her room (big argument with daughter about). I know what a bad habit that can lead to. He comes over they make a bee line to the bedroom and he's practically living here, no way! So my husband and I agreed to let them watch the downstairs tv in the family room and we'd stay out of their hair. A couple of days ago he came over (seems to come over daily lately which is another issue) and I went up stairs to do laundry and when I came down (family room and kitchen are joined) they were laid out on the couch (like laying on a bed) with covers over them napping. I don't mind them cuddling or reclining, but full blown laying down with covers?! I felt this was inappropriate since I have an 11 year old at home, and I've only know this guy for two months! I might feel differently if they had been dating for quite some time and I felt like Id bonded with him and he was family. I brought it up to my daughter and she got very dramatic and said I was being absolutely ridiculous and her other friends get to hang out in their rooms with their boyfriends. What she does outside of our house is out of our control, but this is our home! She doesn't contribute a dime! So now she hasn't been coming home but sleeping over at his place. The last thing I wanted was to have her shacking up with this guy! Was I being too conservative? I'm worried about her. She says she's thinking about quitting school and getting another job so she can move out. She throwing away her future! Makes me sick! What happened to the little girl I was once so close to?! Any advice helpful.
You have to realize your little girl is no more. She is a young lady and you are doing your best to lose her completely with your antique, bizarre behavior.
How are they going to have a relationship if they can't have a relationship that is more than just being friends??? And you know she stays over night at his place AND THEY HAVE SEX but she cannot even be alone with him in her room???
I think it is insane from you to think they do nothing but cuddling. They probably were napping because they came home from having sex in a car somewhere. They probably have sex everywhere except in your house.
My parents were like yours - but I was 15. I had sex everywhere outdoors, the strangest places and mostly BECAUSE I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO have a bf at all.
If you want to lose her, keep doing what you are doing. She'll gonna move out, quit school and work a crappy job. And then get preggos.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
