Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My just turned 20 year old daughter is living at home while going to college and working part time and for the most part pretty responsible. A little history: She has been seeing a 22 year old guy she works with for about five months now, but my husband and I only met him two months ago. For three months they were only "casually " dating so she didn't see the need in bringing him home to meet us right away, but since then have become much more serious. During this three months she found out he actually had a long term girlfriend and he'd been lying to her about being single. Long story short he left his girlfriend and convinced my daughter into continuing the relationship with him, and she did after stewing on it for a week (I wasn't happy about that). We decided that the best we could do for my daughters safety was to try and get to know him and not be judgmental (this might push her away). So we invited this young man into our home and tried to make the best of it. He seems like a decent guy, besides the fact that he was dishonest to my daughter. He seems to really like her and she him. So now that he has been coming over a lot in my opinion hes getting a little comfortable way too fast for my liking. We said "no" to the two of them hanging out and watching tv in her room (big argument with daughter about). I know what a bad habit that can lead to. He comes over they make a bee line to the bedroom and he's practically living here, no way! So my husband and I agreed to let them watch the downstairs tv in the family room and we'd stay out of their hair. A couple of days ago he came over (seems to come over daily lately which is another issue) and I went up stairs to do laundry and when I came down (family room and kitchen are joined) they were laid out on the couch (like laying on a bed) with covers over them napping. I don't mind them cuddling or reclining, but full blown laying down with covers?! I felt this was inappropriate since I have an 11 year old at home, and I've only know this guy for two months! I might feel differently if they had been dating for quite some time and I felt like Id bonded with him and he was family. I brought it up to my daughter and she got very dramatic and said I was being absolutely ridiculous and her other friends get to hang out in their rooms with their boyfriends. What she does outside of our house is out of our control, but this is our home! She doesn't contribute a dime! So now she hasn't been coming home but sleeping over at his place. The last thing I wanted was to have her shacking up with this guy! Was I being too conservative? I'm worried about her. She says she's thinking about quitting school and getting another job so she can move out. She throwing away her future! Makes me sick! What happened to the little girl I was once so close to?! Any advice helpful.
In that case, for either gender, it's a real tough situation, isn't it? You can try and persuade them not to drop everything for a silly school relationship, but your chances of convincing them are next to none.
In that case, I'd have to say...I'd let the adult child persue the relationship, without any support from parents, and be there when it all falls apart and your kid is stung the most.
Learning to not drop everything to peruse romance is a very important skill.
I think that ultimately depends on the type of relationship and person. For instance, if I was in a serious relationship with a woman that I thought was worth it, then I would probably compromise, but not drop everything and give up on my dreams either.
But like I said, that's only if you think the person is worth it. Otherwise, yeah, I agree with you.
My just turned 20 year old daughter is living at home while going to college and working part time and for the most part pretty responsible. A little history: She has been seeing a 22 year old guy she works with for about five months now, but my husband and I only met him two months ago. For three months they were only "casually " dating so she didn't see the need in bringing him home to meet us right away, but since then have become much more serious. During this three months she found out he actually had a long term girlfriend and he'd been lying to her about being single. Long story short he left his girlfriend and convinced my daughter into continuing the relationship with him, and she did after stewing on it for a week (I wasn't happy about that). We decided that the best we could do for my daughters safety was to try and get to know him and not be judgmental (this might push her away). So we invited this young man into our home and tried to make the best of it. He seems like a decent guy, besides the fact that he was dishonest to my daughter. He seems to really like her and she him. So now that he has been coming over a lot in my opinion hes getting a little comfortable way too fast for my liking. We said "no" to the two of them hanging out and watching tv in her room (big argument with daughter about). I know what a bad habit that can lead to. He comes over they make a bee line to the bedroom and he's practically living here, no way! So my husband and I agreed to let them watch the downstairs tv in the family room and we'd stay out of their hair. A couple of days ago he came over (seems to come over daily lately which is another issue) and I went up stairs to do laundry and when I came down (family room and kitchen are joined) they were laid out on the couch (like laying on a bed) with covers over them napping. I don't mind them cuddling or reclining, but full blown laying down with covers?! I felt this was inappropriate since I have an 11 year old at home, and I've only know this guy for two months! I might feel differently if they had been dating for quite some time and I felt like Id bonded with him and he was family. I brought it up to my daughter and she got very dramatic and said I was being absolutely ridiculous and her other friends get to hang out in their rooms with their boyfriends. What she does outside of our house is out of our control, but this is our home! She doesn't contribute a dime! So now she hasn't been coming home but sleeping over at his place. The last thing I wanted was to have her shacking up with this guy! Was I being too conservative? I'm worried about her. She says she's thinking about quitting school and getting another job so she can move out. She throwing away her future! Makes me sick! What happened to the little girl I was once so close to?! Any advice helpful.
The bottom line is that you're either going to have to let her do what 20 year olds do. You just have to decide if it's going to be in your house or in her apartment. Like you said, she might be throwing her life away and getting herself jammed up if she moves. The other thing may be too much for you but on the positive side, it gives you a chance to get to know him, offer your thoughts, let her know she's not stuck with him. If they already have a history of lies/cheating, it may just fizzle out soon enough. I wouldn't want to hear my kid having sex or even thinking about it but maybe you are focusing too much on the sexual aspect. I know you're married and it's your house but you have sex in there, right? Would you like your kids to think about it every time you go to the bedroom?
Fwiw, if she could hang out in her room the 11 year old wouldn't have seen them.
Maybe IF you think you can handle it is to talk to her and see what her idea of appropriate behavior in a shared home with a minor child is and see how far apart it is from what you can deal with. Try to decide if there's a middle ground and if not, let her move. It's absolutely normal to have adult situations at 20 but you definitely don't have to be the host. Even if they break up, another BF is coming along so if you know that you can't get past it, then I would help her work on a plan to eventually move out WITHOUT depending on a BF.
Good luck!
A lot of posters seem to be jumping from "napping on the couch under a blanket" and "watching TV in her room" to "having sex in the parent's house." The OP never said anything about sex. Allowing cuddling in the family room or TV watching in a bedroom does not mean she would be "allowing" them to have sex in her house.
I really didn't take it that way. Maybe your kids are young enough you don't ever think like that. But I have had those thoughts, too. I don't think the OP meant she wanted to treat her daughter like a child. I think she misses the closeness. I think all of us moms can remember our own mother-daughter relationship, and how it changes as we get older. She misses that.
She did say she gave them some space to watch TV alone, then found them lying on the bed together under some blankets. They do have to realize in a house with other people around including an 11 year old who might pop in on them at any time, they need to be judicious.
Family room couch, I thought.
Yes, I do think they need to consider the 11 year old, and I think mom should explain it that way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday
Few here seem to care that there is also an 11 year old in the house, who doesnt need to be exposed to this activity.
If the 20 year old is mature enough to have sex, she's mature enough to get a motel room a few nights a week. If she doesnt have enough respect for her parents not to have sex in their house, she can't expect them to have respect for her.
If that were my daughter there would be no way in hell Id allow that.
I do care about the 11 year old.
Exposed to what activity? Napping on the couch? watching TV in a bedroom? The OP never mentioned sex.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty
I think there are two conversations going on. Photobuff inserted herself into this thread instead of starting a new one. She is the one talking about her teen stepdaughter and confusing the issue.
I think that the OP's daughter found a livable solution - hang out at his place. That way the 11 year old isn't exposed to the shenanigans. The daughter isn't actually having sex at the OP's house, right?
I have issues with huge walls of text and may have missed something.
Yes, it makes the most sense, but the OP doesn't seem happy about it.
Adult children who live in their parents' house have no 'rights' other than the basic rule of law. When someone else is paying the bills, there's ALWAYS going to be stipulations.
The only way to get around the difficulties encountered in a situation where the adult children are living at home, is for the young fledglings to get their own house. There is NO other way. They cannot expect to enjoy all the benefits of being an adult while someone else is picking up the tab! That it is expensive to move out is just a cop out, and certainly no excuse to attempt to pretend to be a fully grown adult while still living with mom and dad....
It isn't a matter of rights. It is a matter of respecting the daughter's ability to make her own decisions. Those decisions include whether, and with whom to engage in sexual activity.
Wrong. If you are still living at home past the age of an adult you have two options. Move out and live however you want or follow the rules of the house.
So the rules of the house are no sex? I bet the OP and spouse have sex. I agree that everyone should follow house rules. However, house rules should apply to all adults living in the house.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
