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You never kick a kid out on their 18th birthday, unless they are a threat to safety. Kids at that age are usually not ready to support themselves. Even between 18 and 21 there's a lot of maturity to be gained. If a kid can move out at 18 and support himself, great. I'd actually be in favor of a law that would still allow kids to move out at 18, but would forbid parents from kicking out a child under 21 unless there was a very good reason.
That happened to me. I was a full time college student with a part time job. My parents were done raising me in their eyes. I was locked out of the house the week of finals in December. I moved in with my grandparents. It was a HORRIBLE year! I could not support myself. I was 18! Who was going to give an 18 year old a decent job paying good money? At least pay enough to rent an apartment, afford my old car, help with my tuition/fees/books, gas, car insurance, food, etc.
The relationship with my parents was never the same after that. Here we are 25 years later and I still don't trust them. There's no repairing the damage done from kicking your child out of their home. And I have to laugh every time my mother says she's going to move in with me when she's old. I always say, she can move in and I'll be moving out! I will NOT take care of them in their old age. You reap what you sow!
Uh, this doesn't make any sense. It is very delusional. You cannot compare apples with oranges.
Explain how the analogy breaks down without resorting to the legal age of majority. The purpose of this exercise is to remind us that just as we would feel adversarial if we were treated that way, I am sure OP's stepson will feel the same, for the same reason. Creating enemies out of your own family members is only asking to tear the family apart.
If you truly think that trying to control a teenager in this way will not make them shun you and cause strain in the family, think again. From OP's stepson's perspective, it would make you seem to be a foe, and you could lose your chance at getting him to cooperate with you on anything. This is something a lot of parents learn the hard way. They treat a teenager as if they were 9 years old, and then what ends up happening is far worse than what you set out to solve in the first place. You end up being unable to even inject any advice or words of wisdom into him/her, because teenagers don't listen if they see you as over-controlling.
He sounds exactly like a friend of mine. He's now a top video game designer. Just because YOU don't value his interests doesn't make them any less legitimate. 13 years of age, that's 7-8th grade. I suggest you chill and leave him the hell alone and stop obsessing about controlling his time. As for washing dishes, seriously, maybe if you weren't such a joyless person to be around he would find the activity fun. He is 13 years of age, not 35. Have you said, "Hey, what kind of music do you want to listen to while helping me clean up the kitchen?". You know, something HE would enjoy, not what you want always or think he should do.
It really should not be about control, or who owns the house. It should be about a) getting along as a family without getting mad at each other, and b) offering help when it is called for.
I am amazed that none of you seem to think it is a good idea to tell the stepson that help is available, if he needs it. Being a supportive family member is the right thing to do, whether his behavior is abnormal or not. It is not a violation of anyone's rights, parent's or stepson's, to ask him if he needs help in breaking away from the video games or not. All of these comments about being a minor are missing the point. The way you handle this is to be supportive - of everyone. If no one in the house is willing to be supportive than how do you prevent one family member's problems from becoming everyone else's problems?
Who's the parent? Who's the child? Any child who lives in my house, eat my food, use utilities etc does not have a say in anything! Be it step-child, niece, nephew etc. Children need to be taught responsibility. We all know the teenage years are challenging but that shouldn't be excuse to kowtow to this little pubescent.
The only thing wrong is his mother cuddling him and undermining your authority, which is disrespectful. This whole crap about the OP not being the father is ludicrous. This is a family unit and as long as he's not abusing the child, he has every right to expect this child to behave in a proper manner. It's his damn house. Why should this little peep squeak run the show?
Kick 'em out so you won't be a witness to when he bites off her ears. Talk about spare the rod and spoil the child. This "new-age parenting" is something else. That's why you see these damn rugrats yelling at them in public mall.
Who's the parent? Who's the child? Any child who lives in my house, eat my food, use utilities etc does not have a say in anything! Be it step-child, niece, nephew etc. Children need to be taught responsibility. We all know the teenage years are challenging but that shouldn't be excuse to kowtow to this little pubescent.
The only thing wrong is his mother cuddling him and undermining your authority, which is disrespectful. This whole crap about the OP not being the father is ludicrous. This is a family unit and as long as he's not abusing the child, he has every right to expect this child to behave in a proper manner. It's his damn house. Why should this little peep squeak run the show?
Kick 'em out so you won't be a witness to when he bites off her ears. Talk about spare the rod and spoil the child. This "new-age parenting" is something else. That's why you see these damn rugrats yelling at them in public mall.
Whoa, you are reacting to a non-existent problem here. Being lazy, or not doing homework, is not an attempt to "command" others in the house to do anything "his" way. It could just be simple inertia/bad habits. We don't know.
And as to the hygiene thing, this has nothing to do with telling his parents what to do, it is just a habit. In fact there are many parts of the world where it is actually socially acceptable to shower once or twice a week. I suspect by the time OP's stepson is 16 or so, he'll be more careful with the issue so as not to turn away potential girlfriends. Finally, as to the brushing teeth issue, honestly, the way to handle this is to encourage his dentist to talk to him about periodontal disease. In other words, he needs to understand the long-term consequences of not brushing your teeth!
That happened to me. I was a full time college student with a part time job. My parents were done raising me in their eyes. I was locked out of the house the week of finals in December.
But what happened to you is irrelevant, because that's not at all what the OP has said he's going to do.
From his original post:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Des-Lab
I already made it perfectly clear to both of them: come the kids 18th birthday, if he's not going to school full time-and pulling in a minimum C+ average *OR* working fill time (and paying his share of the living expenses), then he's outta here.
In other words, he's going to toss stepson out on his ear IF and ONLY IF stepson is still a lazy, good-for-nothing bum at age 18. And if the kid hasn't grown up significantly by age 18, frankly tossing him out on his a$$ to get an education in the School of Hard Knocks is exactly what needs to happen. Supporting one's self is one of the key tasks of adulthood. It's no kindness to aid a kid's failure to launch.
But there's no reason to assume right now that that is going to be necessary. The OP's stepson sounds like a pretty typical 13 year old boy. The odds are that with some consistent guidance, he'll grow out of this current lazy phase, as most kids to.
After being widowed, I remarried. My. ONLY criteria in a new mate was that she had no children and if she felt the same about me having adult children then I would understand with no harm no foul. Too often have I listened to stories like the OP and there are never any good answers. Rearing children in today's environment is brutal in my opinion. I think our society and country is in trouble in regard to children and the electronic age.
But what happened to you is irrelevant, because that's not at all what the OP has said he's going to do.
From his original post:
In other words, he's going to toss stepson out on his ear IF and ONLY IF stepson is still a lazy, good-for-nothing bum at age 18. And if the kid hasn't grown up significantly by age 18, frankly tossing him out on his a$$ to get an education in the School of Hard Knocks is exactly what needs to happen. Supporting one's self is one of the key tasks of adulthood. It's no kindness to aid a kid's failure to launch.
But there's no reason to assume right now that that is going to be necessary. The OP's stepson sounds like a pretty typical 13 year old boy. The odds are that with some consistent guidance, he'll grow out of this current lazy phase, as most kids to.
Will this child EVER be good enough? Probably not! The child is a teenager! Typical teen behavior for a boy is to be lazy and play lots of video games. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them or that they will grow up to be a bum. Plenty of people don't know exactly what they want to do with their life the day they turn 18.
And most kids are STILL in high school the day they turn 18. This is also NOT his child. Legally, you can't just kick someone out. The OP really needs to stop and think like a rational human being. He sounds like a complete jerk. The OP needs to talk with the mom. These discussions should have taken place before htey were shacked up together..
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