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This is a thought that has been perusing in my mind for a while so I thought I'd bring it to the forum. There have been hundreds of thousands of parents who have raised their children successfully so it brings me to a question. Is there such a thing as a template for raising children successfully?
I mean not the 25 steps that you see online everyday but a proven process that when applied at each stage in the child's development, would mold him into a positive, successful adult ready to take on life.
I've already googled it of course, but found nothing concrete. Besides, it's more fun when discussed
The answer is no, because every child is different, and every parent, whether they admit it or not, treats each child differently.
The answer is no, because every child is different, and every parent, whether they admit it or not, treats each child differently.
What's there to "admit"? Children, "whether they admit it or not" have differing needs and respond differently as well, often requiring different parenting tactics. It isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Last edited by maciesmom; 03-21-2017 at 09:21 AM..
At the risk of not being PC, a huge factor is being raised in a home with two caring parents, who provide structure and security.
The whole "nuclear family" thing is a myth. So what would you have proposed doing with a woman who divorces her abusive husband - arrange a marriage for her to enforce your "2 parent" ideology?
That's not "not being PC". That's being impractical, unkind, punitive, and bigoted. Millions of children of single parents (where "parent" is whoever raises you whether or not you are related and regardless of gender), and couples who may be of the same or differing genders grow up just fine. And millions grow up in 1 parent or 2 parent abusive homes who are scarred for life. And a few survive the latter situation, and a few don't seem to prosper no matter what. People do the best they can with what they have and more often than not things work out anyway.
I divorced my abusive ex when my son was 3. My son is now a college professor. He is stable, loving, and kind to animals. Not sure what else you think he could have gotten had I stayed with my husband and allowed him to continue abusing us - possibly he could have learned that it is OK to abuse your wife and child? Or that he has no self worth because that is what his dad tells us regularly?
It is great when there is a home with "2 caring parents" - how do you intend to enforce that in the face of an abusive spouse? Religious counseling? WHOSE religion? How about the children of rape? Accidental pregnancies? Are you going to send people who have sex out of wedlock to jail maybe to try to put an end to that? Are we going back to sterilizing "unwed mothers" and stealing their children to be tossed into the adoption system in order to put them in an allegedly "kind and caring" 2 parent household? Have you not read the recent city-data thread about how THAT worked out for several kids in a "loving 2 parent household"? Because we've tried all these "solutions" and they don't work.
What a can of worms. And we've been there, done that. That is why divorce even exists - because there is and always has been a need for it.
Do those children live in the same type environment (rural v urban v suburban), have the same cultural values, have access to the same resources (including extended family, financial advantages such as travel, music lessons etc), have "100% healthy mentally and physically" siblings and other relatives (no "sandwich generation" etc), the same abilities, talents, interests and drive?
See the issue here?
Even if they do, ever hear the expression, "The same fire that melts butter hardens iron"?
My brother-in-law is a good family man, successful in his career, respected by all who know him.
His brother was younger by one year, got involved with drugs, went to prison for burglary, and then died in his 30s of AIDS that he picked up from needles.
It sounds as if someone wants a guarantee. There isn't one. Parenthood is a risk.
The whole "nuclear family" thing is a myth. So what would you have proposed doing with a woman who divorces her abusive husband - arrange a marriage for her to enforce your "2 parent" ideology?
That's not "not being PC". That's being impractical, unkind, punitive, and bigoted. Millions of children of single parents (where "parent" is whoever raises you whether or not you are related and regardless of gender), and couples who may be of the same or differing genders grow up just fine. And millions grow up in 1 parent or 2 parent abusive homes who are scarred for life. And a few survive the latter situation, and a few don't seem to prosper no matter what. People do the best they can with what they have and more often than not things work out anyway.
I divorced my abusive ex when my son was 3. My son is now a college professor. He is stable, loving, and kind to animals. Not sure what else you think he could have gotten had I stayed with my husband and allowed him to continue abusing us - possibly he could have learned that it is OK to abuse your wife and child? Or that he has no self worth because that is what his dad tells us regularly?
It is great when there is a home with "2 caring parents" - how do you intend to enforce that in the face of an abusive spouse? Religious counseling? WHOSE religion? How about the children of rape? Accidental pregnancies? Are you going to send people who have sex out of wedlock to jail maybe to try to put an end to that? Are we going back to sterilizing "unwed mothers" and stealing their children to be tossed into the adoption system in order to put them in an allegedly "kind and caring" 2 parent household? Have you not read the recent city-data thread about how THAT worked out for several kids in a "loving 2 parent household"? Because we've tried all these "solutions" and they don't work.
What a can of worms. And we've been there, done that. That is why divorce even exists - because there is and always has been a need for it.
Thank you. Great post.
I also divorced my abusive, alcoholic ex when my daughter was 8. She is 25 and thanks me for it. She has a relationship with her father, but she knows what he is and she knows his limitations and how much more difficult life would have been if he'd been allowed to continue to disrupt the home.
Coincidentally...she is in school going for her Ph.D., and she will also be a college professor.
I don't respect too many people. I am never rude and I respect people's choices but that does not mean I respect them as a good/nice person. Too many are not. I don't need people to respect me I just want people to be decent.
How sad for you. Nevertheless people deserve respect, and your children most certainly deserve to be respected.
I think you are conflating "respect" with the sort of abject near-worship some people who think they are important demand of others. This isn't about hierarchical thinking, its about recognizing and accepting your child for who he/she is and who they want to be, as opposed to imposing upon them who you want them to be without regard to their individuality.
If you will not show your children respect, I hope you don't have any. Children, that is.
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I don't respect too many people. I am never rude and I respect people's choices but that does not mean I respect them as a good/nice person. Too many are not. I don't need people to respect me I just want people to be decent.
