Dads with Stay - At - Home Wives: what is your night strategy? (accident, child)
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Yes, in read Ops posts. He seems to have an office job that requires a 2 hr. commute that is mostly on trains and subways. You are arguing against something that I didn't state. I originally asked you what you thought should be his household chores. My point is by default, sahms are already doing daily chores related to child rearing while they are watching the kids. So it's not like the sahm or op's wife isn't doing any chores. Op is not doing all the cooking. He is at most cooking one meal per day out of 3meals. So he can't be doing all the cooking. You keeps saying he is doing all the chores which is impossible because you keep only stating 2 that he does - cooking dinner and laundry.
Btw, I do the laundry and the entire family folds. But not because I am a sahm but because I am more particular about fabric care. The majority of chores your husband does are not daily or even weekly chores. The fact is, for some reason, people seems to think sahm should shoulder a bigger percentage of chores that are not child related just because they work at home.
Finally, I never stated I was overwhelmed. And yes, I did run on a schedule which actually means staying home was mostly required because of naps and eating healthy meals. Did we go to play dates 2 times a week? Yes, but so what? How does that relate to having to do more non child related chores? I'm not angry. I just can't understand why women feel the need to shoulder the majority of household chores beyond childrearing. The amount of hours a lot of men spend doing manly chores are minimal compared to daily or weekly chores women shoulder if done right.
for gods sakes whether its the man or the woman that's the breadwinner...working outside the house,,,the spouse that gets to stay home should be doing all the chores and duties of the house,,,my god,,,
go back a 100 years,,,,you got it 100x easier than your great grandmothers had it,,
you have all the modern conveniences,,,not like you are killing your chickens and plucking them or washing clothes on a wash board.
yeah the spouse at home who probly can stay in pajamas if she chooses too,,,should be doing the cleaning and baby duties..
I would have loved loved loved to be a stay at home dad...and don't be going on and on about how tough it is ,,ive done my share of chores,,,but also ive worked in construction,,,physically beat by the time I got home,,, also worked on a commercial fishing boat
very demanding jobs.
also worked in the woods - dropping and cutting up trees...very physical work,,
when I came home,,,she had dinner waiting not because I demanded it - because she wanted to do it... I had scars, bumps and bruises from working all day ..
if I was an office worker then that may be different,,,,its easy on the body..
if I were a stay at home dad id have her dinner waiting for her,,,id also draw her a bath and give her a massage,, if she wanted one
ive had ALL day to do whatever shopping or cleaning washing whatever needs to be done..
in fact on weekends id tell mother to go about some time alone...and I would do all the household chores with the baby/kids and I enjoyed it,,,,ten times easier than a day at work
again think back to our grandmothers and great grandmothers that had multiple kids...
they didn't complain ,,,they appreciated what they had...and appreciated a man that would go off to work for the family everyday
for gods sakes whether its the man or the woman that's the breadwinner...working outside the house,,,the spouse that gets to stay home should be doing all the chores and duties of the house,,,my god,,,
go back a 100 years,,,,you got it 100x easier than your great grandmothers had it,,
you have all the modern conveniences,,,not like you are killing your chickens and plucking them or washing clothes on a wash board.
yeah the spouse at home who probly can stay in pajamas if she chooses too,,,should be doing the cleaning and baby duties..
I would have loved loved loved to be a stay at home dad...and don't be going on and on about how tough it is ,,ive done my share of chores,,,but also ive worked in construction,,,physically beat by the time I got home,,, also worked on a commercial fishing boat
very demanding jobs.
also worked in the woods - dropping and cutting up trees...very physical work,,
when I came home,,,she had dinner waiting not because I demanded it - because she wanted to do it... I had scars, bumps and bruises from working all day ..
if I was an office worker then that may be different,,,,its easy on the body..
if I were a stay at home dad id have her dinner waiting for her,,,id also draw her a bath and give her a massage,, if she wanted one
ive had ALL day to do whatever shopping or cleaning washing whatever needs to be done..
in fact on weekends id tell mother to go about some time alone...and I would do all the household chores with the baby/kids and I enjoyed it,,,,ten times easier than a day at work
again think back to our grandmothers and great grandmothers that had multiple kids...
they didn't complain ,,,they appreciated what they had...and appreciated a man that would go off to work for the family everyday
Horseshoe, you seem like a good father/husband. I really mean this. And I say this even though you contradict youself in your post. First you say, the sahp should do all chores but it seems like in your 2nd to last paragraph that wasn't the case in your family. On the weekends, you shouldered the burden by giving your wife some time off.
Btw, I can certainly appreciate the difference between your jobs and most other jobs which was a point of mine. Op has an office job. My husband has an office job. I was not being inclusive of all jobs. The physical demands of your job does literally require physical rest.
Finally, I am not complaining. I have nothing to complain about. My husband is a great father and husband. He does his share and also appreciates and values my share (like you and your wife).
I am having serious, major surgery next week and I hope & pray that the two surgeons doing my surgery and the anesthesiologist and all of the nurses aren't sleep deprived because they feel that work is a "million times easier" than being a parent and that during my surgery will be a good time for them to "relax".
Sheesh. Being alert and well rested can mean the difference between life and death in some occupations.
I never did baby duty at night during the week or the weekends that I was on call. That would not be fair to the patients. My wife understood that and never got upset about it. For our second and third children, we got a baby nurse to help out with the night duties. It was expensive, but when there is only one parent doing the night shift, it is worth the money.
I'm not a superwoman. I just happen to think that the stay at home spouse should be the one taking care of the baby at night during the work week. If the working spouse is responsible for the finances of the entire family, then the stay at home spouse can be responsible for the family care of the house. What is wrong with that? Esp. since I said the working spouse should give the stay at home spouse a break on the weekends.
Sorry we didn't/don't divide duties up that way. In addition, each family's situation is different. Just because I "stayed at home" doesn't mean that I didn't need sleep, esp when I said I had (and still do) suffer from sleep issues. if I am severely sleep deprived I'm not going to be fit enough to care for the very demanding needs of a baby for ten plus hours. I also suffered from postpartum depression with my first. It's all in the past now thankfully but I thank God I have such a hands on husband who was and still is right there with me every step of the way.
Actually, many of our grandmothers and great grandmothers did complain, a lot. And when they finally got the ability to reliably control their fertility in the 1960s, they chose to stop having multiple children, even though economically they were a lot better off than previous generations (and possibly better off than current generations).
Last year we had the lowest birth rate since records started being kept in 1909 (fewer than 6 babies per 100 women between 15-44). Record numbers of young women are looking at the demands and costs of having children (personal, professional, and financial) and choosing to say "yeah...no thanks". They see their own mothers still shouldering the majority of the housework, especially if it's boring, mundane, or icky, regardless of whether or not they are working outside of the home. It's hardly surprising that they wonder how that is fair and whether they too want to sign up for that.
This baby is only two weeks old. Mothering a newborn is more than the equivalent of most fulltime jobs. Right now he's doing a fantastic job with both baby and chores, but he's going to be gone from 5.30am to 7pm. They need to get someone to help them.
My suggestion all along was to split the 3 feedings in question. It's called teamwork. It makes way more sense than 1 person being up 3 times. They don't all have to stay up until 11 and all get up at 5. It isn't just the amount of sleep that's important, it's the duration. Sharing means they both get a longer stretch.
And no, bottle feeding doesn't take that long.
I bottle fed both of my kids. They took, ON AVERAGE, 30-45 minutes. Sometimes 20 minutes, sometimes 60 minutes which is why I said, ON AVERAGE.
I gave my opinion on which spouse should do the night wakeups during the week and I'm not debating it. Its an opinion, not really up for debate.
Wish I could give you more rep, Kibbiekat. They both can get enough sleep to get by on if they tweak their sleep schedule slightly and he takes one feed.
One person should not be on call 24/7 for five days in a row. Sleep deprivation is just as dangerous for the mother with a newborn in the car driving to the grocery store or doctor as it is for the father driving to the train station.
OP, what does your wife say about how she thinks things might go on your return to work? You've said what her expectations are while you're home on leave, but have you actually talked to her yet about say the next 6 weeks?
Also, it doesn't really matter what we all might think she should be doing, what do you think she is actually able to do, given how the birth went and what physical limitations arthritis imposes on her?
For the first 6-8 weeks with my first child, I felt really overwhelmed and simply didn't have the bandwidth to do much more than feed myself, feed and change my baby, and maybe throw in the odd load of laundry. There's no shame in that, you just have to deal with what is. Some people sail through a new baby, some, not so much.
It doesn't sound like either of you is being a slacker, but it does sound like you need real, tangible support. What about seeing if you can find someone like a high school senior or someone retired to come in for the witching hours, say 4-6, for the next couple of weeks? They can load/unload the dishwasher, fold the laundry, run the vacuum, prepare a simple meal. The NextDoor app is good for getting very local referrals from your neighbors.
Then you can get home and the three of you can all just be together without anyone feeling resentful or guilty. And hopefully get to bed early.
My husband drove OTR for quite a long time when our kids were little. I was responsible for two little ones all by myself for long stretches of time. That's the way it goes. Other wives had it worse than me - their husbands were stationed thousands of miles away in a foreign country for a year or more at a time.
So forgive me if I have little sympathy for a woman whose husband is home every night, obviously cares a great deal for her and their baby and is able to provide a stable home while she stays home. And forgive me if I find the dramatics of having to - oh no! - get up a few times per night with a newborn a bit ridiculous, especially in light of the fact her husband is willing to help out in other ways AND on the weekends.
Sorry we didn't/don't divide duties up that way. In addition, each family's situation is different. Just because I "stayed at home" doesn't mean that I didn't need sleep, esp when I said I had (and still do) suffer from sleep issues. if I am severely sleep deprived I'm not going to be fit enough to care for the very demanding needs of a baby for ten plus hours. I also suffered from postpartum depression with my first. It's all in the past now thankfully but I thank God I have such a hands on husband who was and still is right there with me every step of the way.
Sometimes my husband was able to help out more than others. That's the way life goes. I'd never insult him by saying he wasn't hands on and not there with me during those times when he was working his ass off, not seeing his family for three weeks straight, holed up in a tractor trailer somewhere so we had money to pay our bills and eat.
Nor would he ever think or say such a thing about me when I was working a weird 2nd/3rd shift combination and going to school full time meaning he was about 98% responsible for EVERYTHING in our house. And I do mean everything.
Equity in marriage isn't about keeping tally marks of who changed the last diaper or made the last meal. Its about making sure each person has the tools he or she needs to do the best job they can in order to support the family in their chosen role.
OP has a job, a two hour commute each way. OP's wife has a husband who is willing to work long hours to support her and their child. If that means Sunday - Thursday she gets up with the baby, then that is her role. Just like its his role to go to work, earn money, etc.
Each contributes in their own, but highly significant, way.
I bottle fed both of my kids. They took, ON AVERAGE, 30-45 minutes. Sometimes 20 minutes, sometimes 60 minutes which is why I said, ON AVERAGE.
I gave my opinion on which spouse should do the night wakeups during the week and I'm not debating it. Its an opinion, not really up for debate.
I think your posts have been pretty rude. Condescending, even. I guess if you want to be a martyr that's up to you. My husband and I had and have a more even split.
Wow, I'm amazed at the number of pages this thread has garnished already. We're gearing up to have our second son this august. My wife and I alternated in the evenings for our first son. We never had a schedule (though we had friends that were much more type A about how they did night feedings) and just kind of played it by ear. All this said, we decided to bottle feed our son and it was very helpful for us. Not going to persuade you either way but I'll say it was much easier on my wife when we went to bottle feeding from breast feeding and it worked out better for us in the long run. Generally speaking if my wife got up first to feed him, I would get up second and so on and so forth. But it sounds like with your schedule it might be more feasible for you to have your wife do more of the feedings during the week and you do more of them on the weekend. Just my .02
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I bottle fed both of my kids. They took, ON AVERAGE, 30-45 minutes. Sometimes 20 minutes, sometimes 60 minutes which is why I said, ON AVERAGE. 
