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I'll give a brief background: I am from New England (Nantucket). My parents divorced when I was four back in 1993. Now, my mother was an active drinker at the time and knew every bartender on the island. She would often take me to school in dirty clothes/diapers etc... I was diagnosed with autism in October of 1995 (She told me this back in 2015 after hiding it from me for years and blamed the school system) I also recently found out why we abruptly left the island to go to St. Louis in 1996: the state was going to take me from her.
She remarried in 1997 to a tyrant. The man would verbally abuse me if I stimmed and as I got older it changed to physical stuff i.e. 2x4 beatings, belt, punches etc. The whole time he would do this, she defended him. This marriage produced two children, and he would never yell at them or hit them. It was always me.
I left STL on 6/21/2012 via Greyhound back to New England. 16 years to the day mom and I moved out there.
Weird thing is, after I left they became cordial with me, as if to act like they never did anything.
How can I tell her how I feel about it without it blowing up into a massive argument? It's a shame that some parents abuse their vulnerable children. I guess I'm just numb to it.
I'm still feeling the effects, and probably will for the rest of my life.
sam, . You didn't deserve or encourage any of the abuse. As overused as the statement is, you need counseling. To separate your perception from that of your mom. Right now you are seeing it thru a childs eyes...hurt, scared, scarred and angry. When you mature to the point of seeing it thru the parents eyes and that of your adult self, then you can make good on discussing this with her. For now you need to heal .
I'm sorry that you are treading this path...yet its a path towards resolution.
I doubt if either of you are near ready to come to terms with all the incidences....or even the recollections.
So going gong ho on her or even trying to get her to have empathy will most likely not happen. A good question to know if your ready is.....Can I walk in her shoes with an illness of this nature and truly think I am fully conscious of how it will affect my child? Most adults would say no.....That's how youl'll know you are ready to discuss this with her...when you , yourself gain some insight to the overall actions and not just your side entirely. I do think you'll find your voice... and lets hope your parent finds some ears to listen when the time comes....
I'll give a brief background: I am from New England (Nantucket). My parents divorced when I was four back in 1993. Now, my mother was an active drinker at the time and knew every bartender on the island. She would often take me to school in dirty clothes/diapers etc... I was diagnosed with autism in October of 1995 (She told me this back in 2015 after hiding it from me for years and blamed the school system) I also recently found out why we abruptly left the island to go to St. Louis in 1996: the state was going to take me from her.
She remarried in 1997 to a tyrant. The man would verbally abuse me if I stimmed and as I got older it changed to physical stuff i.e. 2x4 beatings, belt, punches etc. The whole time he would do this, she defended him. This marriage produced two children, and he would never yell at them or hit them. It was always me.
I left STL on 6/21/2012 via Greyhound back to New England. 16 years to the day mom and I moved out there.
Weird thing is, after I left they became cordial with me, as if to act like they never did anything.
How can I tell her how I feel about it without it blowing up into a massive argument? It's a shame that some parents abuse their vulnerable children. I guess I'm just numb to it.
I'm still feeling the effects, and probably will for the rest of my life.
Sorry to take up anyone's time.
The bigger questions are: What do you hope to achieve from discussing about how you were raised? Could you handle it if she flat out deny or turns it back on you?
Understand that the only closure you will get comes from you. Have you gotten counseling to deal with these effects?
How can I tell her how I feel about it without it blowing up into a massive argument?
What are you trying to achieve by "telling her"? That she apologizes, that she admits to you that she did a lot of bad things towards you, that she was a terrible mother? What are the chances that she is even capable of doing what you expect? Do you think she would turn on herself? Admit all that?
You know that the chance of this is zero.
But the more important question is this: WHY do you still feel the need to talk to her, to get some sort of permission from her, for you to be free?
Because, you see, your very wish to "talk to her" and to get some indulgence from her, is a sign that you gave her your freedom. As if it is only she who, by admitting her deeds, can relinquish you to finally live your life, to be free.
The question is, why you entitled her to such a power over yourself. Why are you waiting for the permission form HER to be free from HER?
You can, absolutely, give yourself permission to be free from her. (Because, we know, she will not be capable of what you expect her to be). Take that permission, that power, back to yourself. Without "talks" that inevitable turn into arguing. In your head, on your own, give yourself permission to cut those invisible ties with her that make you want to get some absolution from her. Cut those invisible threads. You can do it. Then, you won't have the need to "talk to her". You won't be mulling, endlessly, over "how to say to her". You will be free from this dependency.
I agree too, that it probably won't work. Wouldn't hurt to try to tell her that she was abusive but she probably won't admit it. As long as you can be emotionally detached and not need any apologies from them. Abusers are like that, it's their final abuse, gaslighting you by not admitting it.
She won't apologize. Either she'll gaslight you and make you doubt your memories or she'll say she doesn't remember anything.
The only way she might apologize is if she's going through a twelve step program.
You'll have to decide if you want to keep the cordial relationship that you know is a lie, or confront her even if you don't get any closure from the confrontation.
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