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Old 05-03-2017, 01:00 PM
 
7 posts, read 7,602 times
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Hello everyone

For the past three years my two nephews, 18 and 15, have been living with me. Long story short, my brother (their dad), committed suicide and instead of going to stay with their mom they opted to stay with me (which I was totally fine with).

I don’t know if my oldest nephew just never quite moved past his dad’s death, understandably, but he is very disrespectful towards me. There are some days, maybe two days out of the week, where everything is okay. All the other days though it’s like he goes out of his way to be mad at me about something.

I’m not overbearing and yes even though he’s 18 I do want him to tell me if he’s going somewhere and what time he’ll be back so I can know just in case something happens. He blows up at me every time I ask this and it’s gotten to the point where I’m afraid to ask. That is just one example of when he’s blown up on me. He’s put his hands on me several times. He’s yanked at my arm, pushed me, grabbed at my hair, but out of fear of him running off I don’t do anything back.

I threaten him by telling him I’ll make him go stay with his mom, but that never works because he’ll beg and grab hold of me and won’t let go until I say he doesn’t have to leave. My other nephew, who’s 15, will say something to him but I always step in because I don’t want him to hurt him or anything like that.

I don’t have any children of my own so this is my first time trying to be a parent to someone. I know I’m doing something wrong, I just don’t know what. I'm scared that there may be something deeper going on, but he won't talk to me and I don't want him to do what my brother did. I can't go through that again.
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Old 05-03-2017, 02:02 PM
 
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Well, considering the trauma they suffered they are in counseling right? What does their counselor think you should do?
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Old 05-03-2017, 02:26 PM
 
Location: New York NY
4,769 posts, read 7,057,777 times
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Definitely counseling for the 18 year old. Do it quick. And listen to this carefully: No kid should EVER lay hands upon his parent or guardian. Ever.

That is a huge no-no and a sign of an extremely troubled young man. You must put a stop to that behavior immediately. You must tell him that he has no more chances, and that the next time he does that it will be the LAST time because if he touches you in anger again, you will call the police, press charges, and then put him out. And you must absolutely be prepared to go through with those promises, no matter how much he whines or promises to change or how badly you feel about the loss of his father. This sort of violence is a big red flag, and can easily escalate into something far more dangerous. It has to be stopped in its tracks. If he ever hits or grabs you again, call the cops, then pack his bags, leave them on the sidewalk, and tell his Mom where the precinct house is.

The only thing you are doing wrong is letting his behavior go unchecked.
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Old 05-03-2017, 02:31 PM
 
7 posts, read 7,602 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lkb0714 View Post
Well, considering the trauma they suffered they are in counseling right? What does their counselor think you should do?
My youngest nephew, yes, went to counseling. The oldest one has refused to go, and I don't think I can make him? Especially now since he's 18. I have even offered to go with him because I think it could be good for the both of us, but nope refuses to go and will throw a fit if I continue to talk about it.
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Old 05-03-2017, 02:35 PM
 
7 posts, read 7,602 times
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Originally Posted by citylove101 View Post
Definitely counseling for the 18 year old. Do it quick. And listen to this carefully: No kid should EVER lay hands upon his parent or guardian. Ever.

That is a huge no-no and a sign of an extremely troubled young man. You must put a stop to that behavior immediately. You must tell him that he has no more chances, and that the next time he does that it will be the LAST time because if he touches you in anger again, you will call the police, press charges, and then put him out. And you must absolutely be prepared to go through with those promises, no matter how much he whines or promises to change or how badly you feel about the loss of his father. This sort of violence is a big red flag, and can easily escalate into something far more dangerous. It has to be stopped in its tracks. If he ever hits or grabs you again, call the cops, then pack his bags, leave them on the sidewalk, and tell his Mom where the precinct house is.

The only thing you are doing wrong is letting his behavior go unchecked.
I keep telling myself that the next time he does it he has to go, but it's so hard because I don't want him to feel like I don't love him or I'm abandoning him, if that makes sense? Counseling really is the best option for him, but he refuses to go.
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Old 05-03-2017, 02:45 PM
 
Location: New York NY
4,769 posts, read 7,057,777 times
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Originally Posted by Kieran_82 View Post
I keep telling myself that the next time he does it he has to go, but it's so hard because I don't want him to feel like I don't love him or I'm abandoning him, if that makes sense? Counseling really is the best option for him, but he refuses to go.
Then you should see a therapist yourself. Loving someone does not mean letting them abuse you. And you are also allowing a bad example to be set for his younger brother. If you cannot figure out on your own how to get him out of your house then perhaps a therapist can.
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Old 05-03-2017, 02:58 PM
 
Location: North Idaho
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He's 18. All 18 year olds are buttheads.

Just continue to be firm. I suggest that you don't threaten him because that is not helping. He'll eventually grow out of it, but you must insist that he tell you where he will be at so that you don;t worry. You need to make it clear that you are not trying to control where he goes, but that you worry about him.

Kids need an anchor. They need to know that you are there, no matter what. That particular child needs that more than usual. So you keep loving him but make him know that it is unfair for him to cause you worry when it is so easy to prevent that.
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Old 05-03-2017, 03:08 PM
 
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Counseling wont help if he doesn't want it.

Is he graduating this year? What are his plans?

We took care of a very angry teenager and really, we just did the best we could. It wasn't perfect and we aren't in contact (her choice) since she moved out. All I could do was my best.

She hit me once and I told her that the police would be called if she did it again. Part of me wished she did at times. She was that unpleasant.

The only real leverage is I paid for her cell so I could take it when she was in trouble.

Honestly...it was so hard, so stressful and I am just happy I survived. I did the best I could.
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Old 05-03-2017, 03:09 PM
 
10,194 posts, read 7,999,510 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by citylove101 View Post
Then you should see a therapist yourself. Loving someone does not mean letting them abuse you. And you are also allowing a bad example to be set for his younger brother. If you cannot figure out on your own how to get him out of your house then perhaps a therapist can.
Yes, YOU should be in therapy. I was when she lived with us. If I had not been I couldn't have coped. My therapist helped me know how to parent the girl.
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Old 05-03-2017, 04:17 PM
 
Location: State of Washington (2016)
4,166 posts, read 2,831,058 times
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You can't force an eighteen year old to do anything, but as long as he is living under your roof, he will have to respect you and your rules and keep his hands off of you or leave. You should learn a couple of self-defense moves that will protect you and not really hurt him - but prevent him from hitting, or pushing you, or whatever. I would let him know that behavior is totally unacceptable period. The 15 year old is watching you do NOTHING when his brother is physical towards you which is a very poor example for him. He might start trying to smack you as he gets older too.

The eighteen year old is manipulating you as well - he knows you feel bad for him because his father committed suicide. You have to let him know that you love him, which is one of the reasons you agreed to let him live with you, but if wants to continue doing so, he has to obey your rules or get out. Is there some activity or some possession that he values that can be taken away if he defies you? Is there a coach, teacher, friend or some other adult he trusts and may listen too? Perhaps, they could persuade him to go to therapy.

Please consider going to therapy for your own peace of mind - it can't be easy trying to take care of two teenage boys and I'm sure you are probably still grieving over the loss of your brother. You've got a lot on your plate and you need to take care of yourself as well.
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