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First post here--and apologizes for the long post. My question spans a unique situation that is probably best described as a marriage and parenting conundrum.
I've been married to a great wife for 6 years. She is an immigrant from a foreign country. We have an absolutely gorgeous 18-month-old daughter and an overall comfortable, happy life.
We have some family friends with 3 children that we've known for around 8-9 years (who are from my wife's country). We've gotten very close with the family over the past 3 years, and while both by wife and I are very close to their kids, it would be accurate to say that I am probably more close to them than she is. I adore them--and, could love them as my own if I needed to. They're amazing, smart, funny, etc.
We often all spend time together with my daughter--and they love her too. I always make a big deal of their birthdays, help with homework, and other things a good uncle would do.
The problem is that their oldest child (whom I can say I care deeply about) is not in the country legally. She was brought over when she was 1 and their parents never left.
She's still a few years away from getting a driver license and realizing that she has no legal status in the country, will not be able to work, has no health insurance, will have trouble going to college, etc.
The only two options for her (as the law stands now) is to get married to an American citizen or be adopted by one before she turns 16.
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My wife has admitted she sometimes is jealous and resentful of the attention I give them, citing something along the lines that I seem happier in the moment with them than I am at home (even though we typically all spend time together). Of course, I don't spend nearly as much time with them as I do with my family at home, so it's easier to enjoy smaller amounts of more structured, enjoyable time--like when we have a planned outing.
I've told her that, as long as I don't put them higher than her and my daughter, that I would appreciate if she could just be happy that I'm happy in these cases.
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Depending on what happens with the law over the next few years, I am strongly considering adopting the oldest child shortly before her 16th birthday. Obviously, this has an immigration benefit, but also takes a financial burden off of their parents, provides her with health insurance, opportunities for her education, etc. It would be an open adoption and she would have no limitation of contact with her family, who will continue to live very close. She could even stay there on the weekends.
We haven't had the need to discuss this option seriously with all parties. But, I want to set the stage with my wife to be open to the idea (assuming the child and child's parents are, of course).
I just figure if we can do something within our power to profoundly change this girl's life without a large sacrifice... why not do it. We can give money to charity all day long, but I don't think there's anything more life changing for someone than something like this.
And, at the end of the day, at 16 years old, who her legal parents are only matters for 2 years.
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If this had to come up now, my wife would be against it. I want to find out what I can do in my marriage (if anything) to have her be more receptive to the idea. If the girl's parents think it's an acceptable idea, I will put in A LOT of effort to try and make it happen--and this could cause a rift with my wife. Even if I convince her to do it, I don't want her to then be resentful the entire time.
But it will be extremely devastating for me to watch this girl not be able to pursue her opportunities just because, as my wife might say, it's "not our problem." Especially when we don't have to do all that much to help.
Does anyone have any advice for me on how I can, over the next few years, get my wife to realize a greater interest in this girl's future, become more comfortable with my level of caring about her, and ultimately even *want* to do this, too?
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Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Children with other nationalities cannot be adopted by American citizens after they turn 16 unless they are part of a sibling group with younger children, according to U.S. law.
In addition, this does not sound like a good solution, for a variety of reasons. Consider consulting an immigration lawyer instead, and see if this young lady can apply for citizenship, as she is a "dreamer". Her parents may also be in trouble, however - are they legal citizens or do they have green cards, btw?
You need to put your wife first and your marriage first. You can't adopt without your wife being on board with it.
All of that is obvious; she has to sign the papers, too. I'm trying to see what (if anything) I can do to get my wife on board with it, IF that's even an option. There's only about 30% chance of this becoming a serious option.
Children with other nationalities cannot be adopted by American citizens after they turn 16 unless they are part of a sibling group with younger children, according to U.S. law.
In addition, this does not sound like a good solution, for a variety of reasons. Consider consulting an immigration lawyer instead, and see if this young lady can apply for citizenship, as she is a "dreamer". Her parents may also be in trouble, however - are they legal citizens or do they have green cards, btw?
Where did I say we were going to adopt after 16? All of this is BEFORE 16. Please read the post.
I work in the immigration field and have spoken with several lawyers on the subject. The only two options are this and marriage to a USC. I've done my research.
She has no options as a "dreamer" currently (although that could [and hopefully does] change).
Her parents' situation are not in the scope of this discussion, other than that their options do not and cannot affect her given the specific circumstances.
Focus on your family and MYOB. Your interest in this girl is a little over the top. I don't blame your wife for having concerns.
So, if the world is going up in flames and my neighbors' houses are burning, just mind my own business and do nothing? I realize that's an extreme analogy, but I think your view on this is narrow-minded. I'm sure you would have a different view if you were a child in this unfortunate position.
My only interest is that someone who deserves an opportunity to be successful is afforded that opportunity. We are possibly in a position to do something about it. In my mind, this is no different than registering to become foster parents.
Should foster parents just mind their own business, too?
In any case-- my question is only how I can convince or otherwise steer my wife into taking the same interest in doing this for someone else.
You need to put your wife first and your marriage first. You can't adopt without your wife being on board with it.
Basically this. You are putting this teen above your wife. That is not normal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cx5122
All of that is obvious; she has to sign the papers, too. I'm trying to see what (if anything) I can do to get my wife on board with it, IF that's even an option. There's only about 30% chance of this becoming a serious option.
I think it is really odd that you have put so much thought and research into this without even discussing it with her or her parents. They might just think you are crazy and that this is a huge over reach.
If you try too hard to get your wife on board with this, be prepared to see your marriage end.
An aside, I don't know for sure, but her marrying a US citizen might not be enough to give her legal status. I've heard it's not.
So, if the world is going up in flames and my neighbors' houses are burning, just mind my own business and do nothing? I realize that's an extreme analogy, but I think your view on this is narrow-minded. I'm sure you would have a different view if you were a child in this unfortunate position.
My only interest is that someone who deserves an opportunity to be successful is afforded that opportunity. We are possibly in a position to do something about it. In my mind, this is no different than registering to become foster parents.
Should foster parents just mind their own business, too?
In any case-- my question is only how I can convince or otherwise steer my wife into taking the same interest in doing this for someone else.
There are other things you can do that are not so extreme.
The way you worded this implies that your wife isn't interested in helping other people. I'm sure that's not true. What you would be asking her is extreme. If she is already put off by how much attention you give this girl, and you value your marriage, do not try to convince her of anything.
Basically this. You are putting this teen above your wife. That is not normal.
I think it is really odd that you have put so much thought and research into this without even discussing it with her or her parents. They might just think you are crazy and that this is a huge over reach.
If you try too hard to get your wife on board with this, be prepared to see your marriage end.
An aside, I don't know for sure, but her marrying a US citizen might not be enough to give her legal status. I've heard it's not.
Her parents have been actively involved in those same discussions. Heck, it even originally came up by talking to them. I don't know why you're making assumptions that this is all me. While we don't have to make a decision for another few years (she's not a teen by the way), her parents are understandably concerned about her options and have consulted me given my profession. They have not "asked" us to do anything, and they're not even sure they would go through with it--we still have time.
If my wife isn't on board, then she's not on board. End of story. I'm not putting anything above her, although I would *like* us to be on the same page regarding this--which is why I'm asking if there's anything I can do to help her see my side.
Marrying a US citizen, in her case, will work because she was lawfully admitted to the US (as opposed to those that "jump the fence"). I know the immigration law, but the law isn't in dispute here and has nothing to do with my question.
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