Parenthood is destroying my wife physically and mentally :( (childcare, autism, infant)

[saibot]

I wonder if you are putting him down for the night too early. Have you tried keeping him up and making bedtime later? Between 6:30-7pm would have been too early for my babies, for sure. By that age (10 months), we tried to get them down around 9 pm, and they would sleep until 5 or 6am. That time frame matches an adult's sleeping schedule better, too.

As for breastfeeding, it's great, but there is nothing magic about continuing for one year even though some people try to make it sound that way. At your son's age, your and your wife's mental and physical health is FAR more important than insisting on pushing through for two more months. If it would really make your wife feel like a failure to quit now, then so be it, but I wonder if someone might be able to convince her that she's not shortchanging the baby by giving him a bottle. Many babies start sleeping longer stretches right away once they are weaned. And, is it really better for the baby to be getting breast milk from an exhausted, depressed, suicidal mother...? I think not.

[Marlow]

Originally Posted by the_grimace

She's brought up suicide to her therapist a few times, but she said the therapist's response seemed lackadaisical and my wife then felt uncomfortable bringing it up again. I don't think my wife would do anything, but there is no doubt she is feeling worse than ever especially since she is strongly considering medication after years of managing her depression/anxiety in other ways fairly well.


We've only ever put him down for naps on schedule (with some rare exceptions like when he was sick or just overly tired), His day time nap schedule has always been very much on routine, the problem being he just doesn't nap long. The first few months, it was four 30 minute naps. Around 5-6 months he started doing three naps but still only 30-40 minutes each. Now at 10 months, it's 2 naps a day. He always takes a short 30 minute morning nap about 2 hours after waking up, and usually an hour nap in the afternoon after lunch. Then up to bedtime usually which is between 6:30 and 7PM. Overall, he sleeps about 1.5 to 2 hours during the day and about 7-8 hours at night, which consistently has been way less than what it appears babies SHOULD be sleeping.

Pediatrician said nothing wrong. Looks as healthy as can be. Said some babies just sleep less. Lucky us. :/


We are at the stage or considering babysitting or day care even. Unfortunately, being one income, cash is tight, and daycare is expensive. We could probably stretch it, but it leaves no room then for saving even a penny in the bank. Might just be something we have to deal with for the time being, even though both of us are fairly big savers and stress often about securing financial stability.


One of my wife's big concerns with medication now is breastfeeding. I think she would have started medication already but she has been really adamant about wanting to breastfeed till at least 1 year old and she is extremely against breastfeeding while on that type of medication. I told her to talk to the doctor at least though to see if there are any safer alternatives.


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Thank you for the support everyone. It warms my heart. I appreciate it during this difficult time.

I'd definitely get a new therapist. That's gotta be bordering on malpractice to downplay a patient saying she's having thoughts of suicide. My heart goes out to your wife.

Maybe try skipping the morning nap, or pushing his bed time back an hour or so. If he's a kid who doesn't need much sleep, maybe just try to consolidate it for your own sake. Also, when he wakes up at night, does your wife nurse him back to sleep? Is he in bed with you? I don't want to start a big co-sleeping argument, but our daughter was in bed with us at that age so when she woke up I just put her on the boob and we all went back to sleep. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Did your wife enjoy working when she did it? I loved my daughter to pieces and was sad at the thought of putting her in daycare, but I was sooooo much happier when I went back to work. I definitely had some PPD, even though she was good sleeper. I'll never forget the evening on the first day I went back to work. I was thrilled to have something to talk about besides my daughter's eating and pooping schedule. If going back to work would make your wife happy, you should both think about it. You know what they say: "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Again, I think you and your wife have to figure out what's going to make her happy. She might have to shed some of her notions of what she thought these baby years were going to be like and she might have to ignore outside influences who tell her that these are the greatest days ever.

[Sollaces]

A stay at home mom needs relief. See if there is a church nearby that does a program twice or three times a week. You may not feel good about a daycare but even a few hours a day is a relief to where she can relax, nap, or get some chores done.


She needs to see a psychiatrist and get on meds. Family therapy with you. One child should be it for now and no talk of more. She also needs to have a routine to where she goes to bed at a set time, that's really important for people with depression. Make sure she eats balanced foods and I hope she's done nursing.


She should seek a support group, a play group. Get involved with library reading programs. And when you get home from work you need to take that boy and babysit and tell your wife to go out. She needs that. You should also check with the pediatrician and make sure your son is gaining and healthy. Encourage your wife to take the stroller and go walk with your son in the neighborhood. That helps, too.

[saibot]

Originally Posted by Marlow

Again, I think you and your wife have to figure out what's going to make her happy. She might have to shed some of her notions of what she thought these baby years were going to be like and she might have to ignore outside influences who tell her that these are the greatest days ever.

Yes, even one well-meaning but amnesiac older person telling her that the easiest and sweetest stage of parenting is when your child is an infant (not true, by the way), and she should be enjoying every minute, might send her over the edge.

[the_grimace]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

I agree with the other posters, but I'm focused on the screaming at night. That's not at all to be expected in a 10 month old child. Waking up frequently is pretty common, but screaming unconsolably is not, in that age child.

Have you researched night terrors? It sounds like that's what he has.

Does he appear to see you when you are carrying him around? Does he kind of have a moment where he "wakes up", seems a bit confused, and then goes back to sleep?

With night terrors the child is inbetween sleep and awake.

Do you have sleepwalkers in your family?

We did research this and think this is what was happening, but the doctor didn't seem to think that was the case. He honestly would wake up in the middle of the night screaming as early as 2 months old but the doctor said that night terrors rarely affect babies that young and their stance is that he's likely just colicky.

Originally Posted by ClaraC

Also, is she wearing him out during the day? Some babies need a lot of activity to tire out.

Does she go to Gymboree with him, or belong to a children's museum mom and baby group, and then go to parks or "out" somewhere every day?

Does she have a circle of mom friends that she can do things with and get together for playgroup?

She goes on an hour walk with him daily (weather permitting), and is involved in some activities at the library. We only have one car though so unfortunately she's kind of confined by the weather and places she can walk to. Of course, the solution is to just buy a second car, I do think that would help her a lot, but it's also buying a car.... (payment + insurance)

Originally Posted by ClaraC

See this is what happens when pediatricians are used to hearing common complaints. I had an 18 month old who didn't eat. At all. Not one single mouthful. For about a week. Until I insisted that his older cousins tried to cajole him into swallowing a mouthful of pudding, or a piece of popsicle, and he refused did she listen more carefully.

You need to video one of the night time episodes of this child flailing around and screaming. The pediatrician isn't picturing this - just picturing new parents who want to sleep through the night.

Best wishes.

Edited to add: 6:30 - 7 is way too early for him to be going to bed, and may be causing his sleep disturbances. About 9 would probably work best for him, in my experience. Some babies do need less sleep - some babies seem to only sleep and are seldom awake, but putting him down much later will probably cause better sleep all around.

You know, I don't think we ever thought about this. (regarding the time to put him to bed). 7 was what we did since he was born and I think we kept it just because she's so exhausted by that time. Honestly, baby is exhausted too at that point and definitely ready for some type of sleep or nap at that point. He gets up now between 5-6 AM, but I guess we were hoping he would sleep 12 hours a night, especially after sleeping very little during the day. I'll discuss this with my wife.


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Thanks all.

[convextech]

Originally Posted by the_grimace

My wife and I had our first child 10 months ago, a never sleep, hyper must-see-and-touch-everything, crazy baby.
...
he sleeps VERY poorly and has since we brought him home from the hospital. He might take 3-4 short 30 minute naps during the day, and he gets up in the night anywhere from 3-6 times and sometimes he'll cry for hours at night no matter what we do. Nothing like holding a screaming flailing baby you're trying to comfort. Walk around, screaming. Lay him down, screaming. No matter what you do, screaming.
...
We've tried everything for the sleep. We have been super diligent with routines. We tried Ferber sleep training (worked ok-ish for maybe a month from age 6-7 months, but then he regressed back to old habits and worse). We tried sleep aids, pacifiers, sleep sacks, swaddling, relaxing techniques, different lighting, the list goes on and on. Nothing has helped. Not only that though, but even with him hardly getting the sleep he should, he seems to be a boundless sack of energy. When he is up, he will not sit still for the life of anything. The baby just wants to fly around the house, any attempt at putting him in a playpen or confining him to a certain room and he throws tantrums..

Your son shows the classic signs of Autism/ADD/ADHD. My grandson was exactly like this, and pretty much still is, at age 5, although he has slept through the night since he was 1.

ETA: Also, one more thing, I remembered a friend whose child was like this until she stopped breastfeeding him. Her milk was "poisoning" him. I found this link:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/ar...-neurotic.html

[Kibbiekat]

I am so sorry to hear this. There is much I want to say, but I'm on my phone. I'll be back later, but for now, if your wife has mentioned suicide she needs help NOW! Do not wait! Get her professional help immediately!

[MaryleeII]

Originally Posted by reebo

Please, please, please put your baby on formula. Ten months is a fine time to wean. Your wife's mental health is more important than a few more months of breastfeeding.

Also, if she's that stressed her milk might not be adequate. Even though the doc says he's healthy and normal weight, he might need something more than she is producing.

[ClaraC]

Originally Posted by the_grimace

We did research this and think this is what was happening, but the doctor didn't seem to think that was the case. He honestly would wake up in the middle of the night screaming as early as 2 months old but the doctor said that night terrors rarely affect babies that young and their stance is that he's likely just colicky.


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Thanks all.

I think you need to revisit the night terrors question, since he's now 10 months old and still doing it. Babies that age don't wake up and scream when their parents are comforting them, every night. They may do it once and then you know they have an ear infection, but a well 10 month old receives comfort from the parent and may scream if put down and left, but not while the parent is holding him.

Can you switch pediatricians? You're not being listened to, it seems.

[CAjerseychick]

Just to add in here, I can't remember when my toddler ever slept 12 hours a night!
We coslept- that helped a lot - as you can breast feed half asleep,couldn't stand to have our child wail in her crib (plus, city- living, the neighbors didn't appreciate it), that way baby wakes up, nurses goes back to sleep.

I also liked the moms group suggestion- just great for support from other mom's (trying to remember here how I got connected with mine... If you guys arent too rural, get the Nextdoor Neighbor Ap on your phone that links you immediately to locals, groups, activities and she should be able to find a moms group there (our neighborhood has a cooking group, run club, and a couple different toddler play groups and moms groups)....

Also, its no help right now- but-
this too shall pass.