Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
No point in second guessing your decision to become parents at this point.
Your life sounds like my life. Your son sounds like my daughter. She never slept. Constant motion. I was a zombie for a few years, just like you describe. And now she is 16 and is still hell on wheels. Luckily she's a sweet funny smart kid with generally good intentions but she still has poor impulse control and a short attention span. Emotionally volatile. It's like she has no skin to protect her emotional nerve endings. Yep, she has ADD and pretty severe anxiety of her own. I love her to pieces but I'm pretty darn exhausted.
Your wife DEFINITELY needs to think about what kind of parent she wants to be. My mom had anxiety and depression. IF you could rewind our lives and give me the chance to grow up with a mom on medication or a mom who was depressed and cranky all the time, guess which one I'd pick? And so that is what I chose to be: a mom on medication. It's a chemical imbalance, not a character flaw, and she needs all resources possible to get through the next 17 years. The other good news is it isn't a permanent decision...try it, like it, great, if not, stop taking it! Wellbutrin is generally considered safe for nurslings. I breastfed my second child on prozac for 2 years with the approval of many doctors and no harm has come to her as a result. Your wife needs to stop being so hard on herself. She isn't superwoman.
IMHO don't wean to formula at this point, that's just silly. Are you feeding him any kind of solids? Surely he's interested in cheerios and bits of fruit and veg, right?
Did you have to walk uphill in a snowstorm everyday to and from school? Boil shoe leather when you were hungry and there was nothing to eat? Do your homework by candlelight while you shoveled out the barn?
Puhlease, grandpa.
One thing everyone needs to learn is that there is no "standard" for how someone reacts to a major life change. For one person, this situation might be easy peasy. For another, its pure hell. Everyone is wired differently.
I was trained in counseling and the first thing they teach you is 1) no judgement and 2) meet your patients where they are at. Just because a certain issue might not phase you, it doesn't mean that its not devastating for someone else.
This kind of "get off my lawn!" cranky old man "I had it harder!" attitude is the reason many women suffer. Just because many generations kept quiet about how downright awful being a stay at home parent can honestly be doesn't mean that its not a real thing. In grandma's day, women also died a lot more frequently in childbirth. No one claims that they weren't "tough enough" to birth that baby. We are talking about real medical conditions.
OP, parenting can really suck. Your wife probably feels enormously pressured to make sure she does it "right". And guess what? There are probably parts of it she truly hates. There are probably days she dreams of having a child free life again. That starts guilt. Guilt leads to depression. Depression leads ot suicidal ideation. I was told I was an "unnatural mom" for not wanting to breast feed past 3 months and going back to work when I felt my brain turning to mush. People judge who have no right to.
Acknowledge her. She wants to hear that you understand and that its okay to be honest about how she is feeling. More than that, its NORMAL.
Get her some help from someone who will allow her to be ruthlessly honest about what a crap job parenting an infant can be.
We live in a "me" era. It has nothing to do with a change in time. Babies are the same as they were then. It has everything to do with a lack of character and selfishness of the generation.
We live in a "me" era. It has nothing to do with a change in time. Babies are the same as they were then. It has everything to do with a lack of character and selfishness of the generation.
This mom needs mental help! Just because going out in the sun helped you, that doesn't mean it will help her! Ditto exercise or anything else you could bring up. I agree with the rest of your post.
The younger generations are soft. I'm 36. I would have never heard my grandmother talk suicide, and she had 5 kids.
I find it mildly pathetic that so many people are so quick to think suicide.
You two have a child that's DEPENDING ON YOU!
Time for her to put things in perspective. It's not that bad if you have roof over your head and you the provider has a job. You two don't even have a world war to be concerned about.
I'm 55. My cousins' father killed himself long before I was born and left a widow with 5 children. Was he soft? No. He was depressed.
People suffering from depression can't put things in perspective. That's part of the condition.
We live in a "me" era. It has nothing to do with a change in time. Babies are the same as they were then. It has everything to do with a lack of character and selfishness of the generation.
It's ONE freaking child.
Sorry that's weak.
Safe to say you don't have a kid. If you do, it isn't a difficult kid. Safe to say you've never been sleep deprived like this mom is. Safe to say you have no idea what you are talking about so please keep your mouth shut.
We live in a "me" era. It has nothing to do with a change in time. Babies are the same as they were then. It has everything to do with a lack of character and selfishness of the generation.
It's ONE freaking child.
Sorry that's weak.
I normally don't call things out, but I do feel sorry for you. Your perspective is terribly short-sighted and egocentric. Sorry we disappoint.
And that will be all from me on that matter.
Last edited by the_grimace; 05-10-2017 at 08:16 PM..
I'll try to keep this short, but this is going to be a loaded post....
My wife and I had our first child 10 months ago, a never sleep, hyper must-see-and-touch-everything, crazy baby. We love him so much. However, I think we both grossly underestimated the trials of parenthood and my wife especially is struggling immensely. We read so many books, attended so many classes together, definitely though we were ready to be parents, but perhaps we should have waited a bit more... (we're in our mid-late twenties) The actual act of parenting turned out to be much harder and difficult than anyone could have told us. Our lives have been turned upside down.
Not to go into too much detail, our current situation is that my wife is stay at home (not working), and I'm working a fairly stressful job that keeps me occupied about 50-60 hours a week (including commuting time) and drains me mentally by the end of the day. Even with my wife staying at home, our baby really is a challenge. The biggest issue is that he sleeps VERY poorly and has since we brought him home from the hospital. He might take 3-4 short 30 minute naps during the day, and he gets up in the night anywhere from 3-6 times and sometimes he'll cry for hours at night no matter what we do. Nothing like holding a screaming flailing baby you're trying to comfort. Walk around, screaming. Lay him down, screaming. No matter what you do, screaming. In short, my wife has not gotten more than 4 hours of sleep at a time for almost a year now, and even going back to when she was pregnant, she had to get up often to pee. She looks absolutely terrible and she's constantly dazed and out of it.
We've tried everything for the sleep. We have been super diligent with routines. We tried Ferber sleep training (worked ok-ish for maybe a month from age 6-7 months, but then he regressed back to old habits and worse). We tried sleep aids, pacifiers, sleep sacks, swaddling, relaxing techniques, different lighting, the list goes on and on. Nothing has helped. Not only that though, but even with him hardly getting the sleep he should, he seems to be a boundless sack of energy. When he is up, he will not sit still for the life of anything. The baby just wants to fly around the house, any attempt at putting him in a playpen or confining him to a certain room and he throws tantrums. Sometimes you have to leave him there and let him cry it out while you do something important, but it's still hard to hear him cry. To say the least, this is a kid that keeps you on your feet. I help out on the weekends and my god, I don't know how she does it 7 days a week. For me, after one day I'm exhausted. He doesn't give you an opportunity to do anything really.
Unfortunately. It's really taking a toll on my wife. She has a history of depression and anxiety and her mental health has reached an all time low. Talk about suicide is often something she brings up. I can see she's suffering immensely. She has been in therapy now for several months, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. She's considering moving on to medication even though she is opposed to it. As for me, I wish I could stay home and help, but I need to support the family. Trust me, I'm not trying to escape helping using work as an excuse, I would love nothing more than to be home with her and my son. I had 3 weeks paternity leave when he was born and it was great being home and helping. Now though, I work, pretty much run any errands, and do most of the household chores and cooking. I've tried to help at night, but I found it was effecting my performance at work too harshly and my wife was better at getting him finally calmed down quicker than me anyway. Point is, I'm not sure what else I can do, but I worry very much about my wife and I need to figure out some way to make things better.
In short, maybe we weren't ready to be parents. We've been together 8 years and our marriage has been excellent, but since becoming parents we've fought more in 10 months than we have in 8 years. Perhaps we should have waited till our early or mid thirties. We don't really even have any type of support network or friends/family who could help so everything has been on us. I get jealous when I hear some of older co-workers (who are grandparents) saying how their ALWAYS watching their grandchildren so the parents can have some relaxation time or work two jobs without paying for expensive daycare or just get to be themselves and do things they like to do. No grandparents nearby for us unfortunately.
I'll wrap this up here... I've been wanting to write this for months, but kept hoping things would turn around. That our son would start sleeping through the night so my wife can FINALLY try to catch up on her rest. That he would be a little more manageable during the day. That we would be able to maybe reclaim a small part of our former comfortable and carefree lives. No luck yet though. I'm hoping that by posting this I'll be able to hear some words of advice or wisdom to get through this harrowing experience, especially for my wife's sake who I love so deeply and it pains me to see her struggle and hurt so badly.
Thanks all.
Sweetie (I am older than dirt, so I can call you this...)
Your wife might be suffering from post partum depression, in which case, the therapist might not be the best choice to deal with this. It is not uncommon for women to have hormonal changes after pregnancy that affect their moods. I would set up an appointment with her ob gyn doctor or her internal medicine doctor. I realize the sweet little one is being a PITA right now, but think of it this way. He has no other way to communicate with you about what he needs. One thing that is certain: he will grow out of this. If he has any doting grandparents, perhaps they could help out with Junior so that you could have a night out...
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I can see she's suffering immensely. She has been in therapy now for several months, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. She's considering moving on to medication even though she is opposed to it. As for me, I wish I could stay home and help, but I need to support the family. Trust me, I'm not trying to escape helping using work as an excuse, I would love nothing more than to be home with her and my son. I had 3 weeks paternity leave when he was born and it was great being home and helping. Now though, I work, pretty much run any errands, and do most of the household chores and cooking. I've tried to help at night, but I found it was effecting my performance at work too harshly and my wife was better at getting him finally calmed down quicker than me anyway. Point is, I'm not sure what else I can do, but I worry very much about my wife and I need to figure out some way to make things better. 