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Where did I say "don't get help?" I said knock off the suicide discussion. I never said to just quit trying to treat the problem. What exactly did I "advise" that has you so floored? I'm saying be careful of how it could turn.
You don't tell a suicidal person to just quit talking about it! It doesn't work that way. You can't treat it, if you don't talk about it. Maybe she needs meds. Maybe she needs an in-patient treatment program. I don't know, but she needs help, and telling her the shush isn't going to help. You don't live under a rock. You know that depressed moms kill their kids and themselves. This is not unheard of. You don't just not talk about it and hope it will go away.
I didn't read the whole thread yet but I would put him in daycare at least a few days a week
Daycare meaning not in your house!
And not a few hours, the whole day
Beg borrow and steal to pay for it
Kidding of course
But seriously even if you need to take a loan to do this DO IT
Your wife needs a break from this
The kid might like it, so it could be a win-win
I'll try to keep this short, but this is going to be a loaded post....
My wife and I had our first child 10 months ago, a never sleep, hyper must-see-and-touch-everything, crazy baby. We love him so much. However, I think we both grossly underestimated the trials of parenthood and my wife especially is struggling immensely. We read so many books, attended so many classes together, definitely though we were ready to be parents, but perhaps we should have waited a bit more... (we're in our mid-late twenties) The actual act of parenting turned out to be much harder and difficult than anyone could have told us. Our lives have been turned upside down.
Not to go into too much detail, our current situation is that my wife is stay at home (not working), and I'm working a fairly stressful job that keeps me occupied about 50-60 hours a week (including commuting time) and drains me mentally by the end of the day. Even with my wife staying at home, our baby really is a challenge. The biggest issue is that he sleeps VERY poorly and has since we brought him home from the hospital. He might take 3-4 short 30 minute naps during the day, and he gets up in the night anywhere from 3-6 times and sometimes he'll cry for hours at night no matter what we do. Nothing like holding a screaming flailing baby you're trying to comfort. Walk around, screaming. Lay him down, screaming. No matter what you do, screaming. In short, my wife has not gotten more than 4 hours of sleep at a time for almost a year now, and even going back to when she was pregnant, she had to get up often to pee. She looks absolutely terrible and she's constantly dazed and out of it.
We've tried everything for the sleep. We have been super diligent with routines. We tried Ferber sleep training (worked ok-ish for maybe a month from age 6-7 months, but then he regressed back to old habits and worse). We tried sleep aids, pacifiers, sleep sacks, swaddling, relaxing techniques, different lighting, the list goes on and on. Nothing has helped. Not only that though, but even with him hardly getting the sleep he should, he seems to be a boundless sack of energy. When he is up, he will not sit still for the life of anything. The baby just wants to fly around the house, any attempt at putting him in a playpen or confining him to a certain room and he throws tantrums. Sometimes you have to leave him there and let him cry it out while you do something important, but it's still hard to hear him cry. To say the least, this is a kid that keeps you on your feet. I help out on the weekends and my god, I don't know how she does it 7 days a week. For me, after one day I'm exhausted. He doesn't give you an opportunity to do anything really.
Unfortunately. It's really taking a toll on my wife. She has a history of depression and anxiety and her mental health has reached an all time low. Talk about suicide is often something she brings up. I can see she's suffering immensely. She has been in therapy now for several months, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. She's considering moving on to medication even though she is opposed to it. As for me, I wish I could stay home and help, but I need to support the family. Trust me, I'm not trying to escape helping using work as an excuse, I would love nothing more than to be home with her and my son. I had 3 weeks paternity leave when he was born and it was great being home and helping. Now though, I work, pretty much run any errands, and do most of the household chores and cooking. I've tried to help at night, but I found it was effecting my performance at work too harshly and my wife was better at getting him finally calmed down quicker than me anyway. Point is, I'm not sure what else I can do, but I worry very much about my wife and I need to figure out some way to make things better.
In short, maybe we weren't ready to be parents. We've been together 8 years and our marriage has been excellent, but since becoming parents we've fought more in 10 months than we have in 8 years. Perhaps we should have waited till our early or mid thirties. We don't really even have any type of support network or friends/family who could help so everything has been on us. I get jealous when I hear some of older co-workers (who are grandparents) saying how their ALWAYS watching their grandchildren so the parents can have some relaxation time or work two jobs without paying for expensive daycare or just get to be themselves and do things they like to do. No grandparents nearby for us unfortunately.
I'll wrap this up here... I've been wanting to write this for months, but kept hoping things would turn around. That our son would start sleeping through the night so my wife can FINALLY try to catch up on her rest. That he would be a little more manageable during the day. That we would be able to maybe reclaim a small part of our former comfortable and carefree lives. No luck yet though. I'm hoping that by posting this I'll be able to hear some words of advice or wisdom to get through this harrowing experience, especially for my wife's sake who I love so deeply and it pains me to see her struggle and hurt so badly.
Thanks all.
Get a family psychologist. This has helped me with a similarly behaved child, SOOOO MUCH!
Give your wife a break by taking the lead on care sometimes.
Get a sitter or daycare so your wife can have occasional breaks.
Have your wife see a doctor as well. Postpartum is real and it's serious, and it's TREATABLE.
If you don't want to leave your little one alone with a sitter, have a sitter come over while your wife is home. Your wife can rest, bathe, nap, but still be there. It's worth the cost.
Instead of helping with the chores, YOU take the baby so your wife can "escape" to doing the dishes or whatever chore. Sometimes that "alone" time is amazing, even if working on chores. Instead of taking over the chores, take over the Child Care.
Medications are better than suicide and depression, so encourage her and don't judge her if she goes that route.
The wife might need a hospital stay. She might end up there soon anyway.
Not trying to scare you, OP, but maybe I am. Ruminating over "should we have waited to have kids?" is not what you need to focus on here. Your wife is talking about suicide and is sleep-deprived. It's time to make a move.
Perhaps I didn't word my post adequately. The central point of my message was NOT to stay away from anti-depressants, it was to quit emphasizing the suicidal ideology, especially to a therapist, who is also a mandated reporter. Depending on the therapist perception, they could very well end up referring them to CPS. If there's any suspicion of any possible danger to herself or others, they are required by law to make such reports.
Note I did NOT say the therapist might report them because she starts to take anti-depressants, I said the therapist might report them if she keeps mentioning suicide.
And yes, CPS can take the baby away, for any suspicion. Its the one place in our legal system where you're guilty until proven innocent. How do I know? I tangled with CPS for years. It all started when I had a "high-energy" kid, and vented to some friends. One of them decided I needed "help" and made a report to CPS. The way she worded it, and the perception of the social workers, put us under intense scrutiny. We nearly lost both our children, and my dh lost his job. If you've never dealt with CPS, you don't know how they work. They went to my dh place of employment, asked all sorts of damaging questions, and never returned later to inform his employer the allegations of neglect and abuse had been ruled out. His employer was simply left with the impression we were some sort of monsters. Well, his job was a high-profile and public interfacing. He was laid off shortly after the investigation, although he had 10+ years of excellent performance reviews and NO write-ups, disciplinary actions, etc. They just slipped him out along with about 300 others in a RIF. CPS also went to my kids school, interviewed teachers, and went to neighbors, etc. I was supposedly unaware of all this, but found out via the grapevine. Everything's supposed to be confidential", but I was the only one who didn't know what was going on and therefore couldn't defend myself.
CPS doesn't help families in turmoil. They create the turmoil.
I'm not trying to turn this into a discussion about CPS, but rather to warn of some potential pitfalls. BTW, I take anti-depressants, and feel it has helped a great deal. My kids are now adults and out of the house, the depression is not because of the kids, but I don't have any prejudice against people taking anti-depressants.
OP, why don't you just ask your primary-care physician for anti-depressants? Therapists don't prescribe meds, anyways. All they can do is refer you to an MD. I just asked my PCP, and she was quite willing to prescribe them. Just be careful what you say. Tread carefully with that suicide stuff. It could be a red flag.
But I agree with the other posters here. Try going back to work and put the child in competent daycare or sitter. Or perhaps you could get one of the grandmother's to take the child for a week while you go on a vacation? Something to re-set the situation. Why do you go to a therapist, anyways, and who watches the child while you are there? Perhaps there's already too much intervention, which adds to the overall stress. You don't want to run around buying more "intervention". I might go so far as to seek another pediatrician, but don't get into an endless loop of specialists, tests, etc, etc. We went that route with our boy with no benefit. All they did was run up a bill, then mumble something to the effect of "nothing of clinical significance". The money we paid would have been better spent on some quality daycare 2-3 afternoons a week (which we ended up doing), just to de-stress. About the most such tests, etc will tell you at this point is, he will outgrow whatever. Believe me, it happens! Our ds outgrew his "phases" and would have regardless. The issue for right now is your health. You need a change in the situation for your own sake. Take care and best of health to you and family
Totally agree. DO NOT even entertain the idea of foster care. Spent several years in the system as an advocate and got out when I saw how the legal system worked against the best interest of the children. DON'T EVEN start to get them involved. Get your wife some help at home and go from there.
OP: sounds a lot like my youngest baby; it was a really really rough time and we fought a lot, too. If it wasn't for antidepressants, I would not be here right now. The good news is that once my youngest started walking at around 12 months, it was like he was a whole new baby: still serious and a bit of a curmudgeon, but he wasn't crying all the time and he started to sleep better.
I'll try to keep this short, but this is going to be a loaded post....
My wife and I had our first child 10 months ago, a never sleep, hyper must-see-and-touch-everything, crazy baby. We love him so much. However, I think we both grossly underestimated the trials of parenthood and my wife especially is struggling immensely. We read so many books, attended so many classes together, definitely though we were ready to be parents, but perhaps we should have waited a bit more... (we're in our mid-late twenties) The actual act of parenting turned out to be much harder and difficult than anyone could have told us. Our lives have been turned upside down.
Not to go into too much detail, our current situation is that my wife is stay at home (not working), and I'm working a fairly stressful job that keeps me occupied about 50-60 hours a week (including commuting time) and drains me mentally by the end of the day. Even with my wife staying at home, our baby really is a challenge. The biggest issue is that he sleeps VERY poorly and has since we brought him home from the hospital. He might take 3-4 short 30 minute naps during the day, and he gets up in the night anywhere from 3-6 times and sometimes he'll cry for hours at night no matter what we do. Nothing like holding a screaming flailing baby you're trying to comfort. Walk around, screaming. Lay him down, screaming. No matter what you do, screaming. In short, my wife has not gotten more than 4 hours of sleep at a time for almost a year now, and even going back to when she was pregnant, she had to get up often to pee. She looks absolutely terrible and she's constantly dazed and out of it.
We've tried everything for the sleep. We have been super diligent with routines. We tried Ferber sleep training (worked ok-ish for maybe a month from age 6-7 months, but then he regressed back to old habits and worse). We tried sleep aids, pacifiers, sleep sacks, swaddling, relaxing techniques, different lighting, the list goes on and on. Nothing has helped. Not only that though, but even with him hardly getting the sleep he should, he seems to be a boundless sack of energy. When he is up, he will not sit still for the life of anything. The baby just wants to fly around the house, any attempt at putting him in a playpen or confining him to a certain room and he throws tantrums. Sometimes you have to leave him there and let him cry it out while you do something important, but it's still hard to hear him cry. To say the least, this is a kid that keeps you on your feet. I help out on the weekends and my god, I don't know how she does it 7 days a week. For me, after one day I'm exhausted. He doesn't give you an opportunity to do anything really.
Unfortunately. It's really taking a toll on my wife. She has a history of depression and anxiety and her mental health has reached an all time low. Talk about suicide is often something she brings up. I can see she's suffering immensely. She has been in therapy now for several months, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. She's considering moving on to medication even though she is opposed to it. As for me, I wish I could stay home and help, but I need to support the family. Trust me, I'm not trying to escape helping using work as an excuse, I would love nothing more than to be home with her and my son. I had 3 weeks paternity leave when he was born and it was great being home and helping. Now though, I work, pretty much run any errands, and do most of the household chores and cooking. I've tried to help at night, but I found it was effecting my performance at work too harshly and my wife was better at getting him finally calmed down quicker than me anyway. Point is, I'm not sure what else I can do, but I worry very much about my wife and I need to figure out some way to make things better.
In short, maybe we weren't ready to be parents. We've been together 8 years and our marriage has been excellent, but since becoming parents we've fought more in 10 months than we have in 8 years. Perhaps we should have waited till our early or mid thirties. We don't really even have any type of support network or friends/family who could help so everything has been on us. I get jealous when I hear some of older co-workers (who are grandparents) saying how their ALWAYS watching their grandchildren so the parents can have some relaxation time or work two jobs without paying for expensive daycare or just get to be themselves and do things they like to do. No grandparents nearby for us unfortunately.
I'll wrap this up here... I've been wanting to write this for months, but kept hoping things would turn around. That our son would start sleeping through the night so my wife can FINALLY try to catch up on her rest. That he would be a little more manageable during the day. That we would be able to maybe reclaim a small part of our former comfortable and carefree lives. No luck yet though. I'm hoping that by posting this I'll be able to hear some words of advice or wisdom to get through this harrowing experience, especially for my wife's sake who I love so deeply and it pains me to see her struggle and hurt so badly.
Thanks all.
I think you should tell your wife to not take anti-depressant medication. It has been repeatedly shown to cause suicidal impulses to get stronger in people and can trigger aggression and violence in people. It can also cause large amounts of weight gain which can be physically very unhealthy.
Drop the suicide stuff! You're lucky the therapist has brushed it off so far, but don't keep pressing it. Technically, he's required to report such to CPS, and if you think your life is #ell now, that's nothing compared to what they can make it into! Depending on how zealous the caseworker is, you could even have the child taken away and placed in foster care. They could twist it into something like "child's needs not being met in family home" and that's it, you have them in your face forever! Besides, anti-depressants can make one tired, which is all she needs now while sleep deprived to begin with! Also, CPS could say the mother is mentally unstable if she's on such meds. Then you're damned if you do and don't . If you stop the meds, say I'm all right now, they will say parent not taking prescribed meds. If you do take the meds, they will say mother is on psychotropic drugs, making her unstable. Either way, you could end up losing the child, temporary or forever. It can and does happen! Just back off that angle!
That certainly wasn't my experience. After not being taken seriously by a psychiatrist, I finally called my kids' doctor in tears and told her flat out that I would not make it if I didn't get some help. She immediately called in and Rx for Zoloft and then referred me to one of her colleagues for medication management. No CPS calls, no checking up on me to make sure I was still taking my meds, certainly no threats of foster care.
have you tried diffusing essential oils for sleep and depression for all of you?
try thinking that there is a core issue to address - then find it and address it.
make your home environment as stress free as possible (take-out meals, beautify, etc.)
this can improve and it will. think positive.
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I can see she's suffering immensely. She has been in therapy now for several months, but it doesn't seem to be doing much. She's considering moving on to medication even though she is opposed to it. As for me, I wish I could stay home and help, but I need to support the family. Trust me, I'm not trying to escape helping using work as an excuse, I would love nothing more than to be home with her and my son. I had 3 weeks paternity leave when he was born and it was great being home and helping. Now though, I work, pretty much run any errands, and do most of the household chores and cooking. I've tried to help at night, but I found it was effecting my performance at work too harshly and my wife was better at getting him finally calmed down quicker than me anyway. Point is, I'm not sure what else I can do, but I worry very much about my wife and I need to figure out some way to make things better. 
