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I'm glad your parenting style is working for you. Just be aware that, at 5 and 8, you're just getting warmed up, parenting-wise. Its a bit premature to pat oneself of the back when the kids are still at an age where you are the center of their universe. Things change when they get to an age where they start to establish their independence and their peers' opinions begin to matter more.
Another thing, I know for a fact that most parents do not take the same approach. I know this from my own childhood and experiences with friends and the things my daughter comes home and tells me. She tells me how all the other children at times bully one particular kid and at times she's even been bullied. She tells me how kids in her class have been caught kissing and how some kids have boyfriends/girlfriends already. She tells me how some kids twirk and lift their shirts up. When she was in kindergarten she told me how a group of kids were in the back of the bus and were either touching each others privates or exposing themselves. She practically tells me everything, even things she herself does that may not be so honorable. I have always taught her to tell me the truth even when she thinks she will be in trouble and she has done so on many occasions. Most parents if their fortunate enough to even have their kids tell them these things will either reprimand them, brush it off because they don't know how to handle/address these issues or say something very cliche just to feel that they addressed it as opposed to viewing these situations as opportunities to open a dialogue with them, pick their child's brain to see what they do or don't know and give the child an opportunity to pick their brains.
And I would argue that repeatedly sending a 5 yr old into these situations is the very core of bad parenting regardless of efforts to explain sexual behavior among other 5 yr olds. Which in and of itself is horrendous. What 5 yr old needs to know what twerking is?!?
I'm glad your parenting style is working for you. Just be aware that, at 5 and 8, you're just getting warmed up, parenting-wise. Its a bit premature to pat oneself of the back when the kids are still at an age where you are the center of their universe. Things change when they get to an age where they start to establish their independence and their peers' opinions begin to matter more.
I am well aware of that and in fact had that same convo with my daughter yesterday. I thanked her for always trusting in mommy and coming to me with things and I said I hope our relationship always stays this way. She then asked me what do you mean. I explained to her that children sometimes get older and rebellious and go against everything their parents tell them. She then told me she understands that because of some of the things she sees on tv. I told her that I love her more than anyone else in this world and I will never steer her wrong or come down on her when she makes mistakes and I am way more informed than any of her friends and to always come to me to learn instead of doing what her friend's tell her. We then talked about peer pressure and I gave her examples of what it is using people she is familiar with. She told me she knows someone in her school who succumbs to peer pressure and is always on time out because of it. I told her not to follow or join in because she wants to be cool or fit in because there are consequences and its foolish to get in trouble doing something you really didnt want to do. If you're going to get in trouble for something it should at least be for your own idea lol. I explained how people will put you up to doing things then sit back and laugh when you get in trouble for it and compared it to how she makesaid her little brother do things she knows she'll get in trouble for. The dialogue continued and there were some things were too advance but I told her she will understand one day and intend to always have such conversations with her. I have been in enough foster homes, relative homes, friends etc to know that most parents do not talk to their kids in such a manner and most people learn by life experience which is healthy to a certain degree but I am here to tell you as someone who has been molested, went thru promiscuity, has done drugs, has chosen the wrong men and was even if a physically abusive relationship that I NEVER had these conversations with ANYONE and I have been a part MANY households to know some good some bad. I WISH I had run into even ONE adult while I was growing up who would have had such dialogues with me because it would have saved me so much heartache and turmoil. Providing for our children is not enough buying things and throwing birthday parties is not enough. Kissing boo boos is not enough. We need to take a proactive approach and address current and future issues and topics in our children's lives to give them the best chance at succeeding in life not only financially but emotionally and morallyrics as well. That is all I have to say, I will not be responding anymore take care.
And I would argue that repeatedly sending a 5 yr old into these situations is the very core of bad parenting regardless of efforts to explain sexual behavior among other 5 yr olds. Which in and of itself is horrendous. What 5 yr old needs to know what twerking is?!?
SMH!
And FYI, I have always had my children in very good day care centers and they are both enrolled in a very good charter school and we live in a nice neighborhood and even with that being said these have been her experiences. There is always going to be negative influence and bad behavior where ever you go, it is our job as parents to equip our children to think for themselves and not feed into it. If I was to uproot my child and move to a different daycare center, school or neighborhood to avoid what essentially is life then there would be no place to go.
I totally get it that the OP is looking back at her own life and choices and wishing that she'd had someone to be to her, the parent she is trying to be to her children. And OF COURSE it is best for parents to engage with their children, keep communication open, try to give them tools to deal with problems, etc.
On the other hand, I wish I had a nickel for every person who's told me, or who has written somewhere, that their parents DID talk to them about these kinds of things but THEY DIDN'T LISTEN.
It's not that other parents here are feeling inadequate about their parenting, it's that they know by experience that some children are more compliant than others, that children change in various ways as they grow older, and that you can not actually tell by looking an adult's poor choices that they were the result of "bad" parenting.
I totally get it that the OP is looking back at her own life and choices and wishing that she'd had someone to be to her, the parent she is trying to be to her children. And OF COURSE it is best for parents to engage with their children, keep communication open, try to give them tools to deal with problems, etc.
On the other hand, I wish I had a nickel for every person who's told me, or who has written somewhere, that their parents DID talk to them about these kinds of things but THEY DIDN'T LISTEN.
It's not that other parents here are feeling inadequate about their parenting, it's that they know by experience that some children are more compliant than others, that children change in various ways as they grow older, and that you can not actually tell by looking an adult's poor choices that they were the result of "bad" parenting.
I really do appreciate your response, you seem to be the only one who gets what I was trying to say.
I think one of the most important things we can teach our children is to use paragraphs.
OP, yes, it is obvious that you had a poor upbringing by your lack of ability to interact respectfully with others. You realize, of course, that you are thisclose from being banned from this forum by calling other people names, especially as someone who just woke up today and drove in here with an attitude.
I'm just saying, good for you for wanting more for your own kids, but realize that you still need to do a lot of work on yourself. Pointing fingers at everybody else, especially as a newbie in a venue when you haven't even bothered to learn to whom you are speaking, is not the way to establish good relationships.
It's not everybody else. People are reacting to you the way they are because you come off as very offensive. Don't argue about that. It's a fact. Accept it, and figure out how to correct this in yourself. Or not. Your choice.
Seems like many people use their kids as accessories these days, but pay little attention to their upbringing or mental well being. Maybe it's social media or a sign of the times, but it's a disturbing trend.
I come from a broken and very dysfunctional background and have made many mistakes as a result. I am still learning and growing day by day. I am a mother of two children, 5 and 8. I suffered so much over the years due to trial and error growing pains and a huge lack of guidance. My life's goal and purpose at this present time is to do everything in my power to ensure that my children do not endure the same fate. I have talked to my children about life lessons practically since they were babies. I started out teaching them about child molestation and right and wrong touches and so on. I have even spoken with my oldest about sex as she was exposed to certain things by myself and children at shool. I am open and honest about EVERYTHING with my children as I always want them to have that trust in me and whatever I tell them. I do my best to explain things in a way they'll understand and if the topic is a little too advance for them, I tell them to keep it in mind and that one day they will understand. There are things my 8 yr old did not get when she was 5 and she comes back to me today to tell me she now understands something I told her previously. Why don't more parents take the time to do this with their children? Why do we wait till life happens to try and address something? Why not equip our children with the moral codes and life lessons to handle whatever is thrown their way without it being a huge shock or surprise? My daughter was on a playdate and some neighborhood kids came to her friend's door and started to bully her. The little girl cried and the mother just seemed to brush it off. My daughter who was 7 at the time sat her friend down and explained to her that bullies are people who for whatever reason are hurting inside and take their frustrations out on others. She uplifted and comforted this little girl in a way that her own mother didn't know how. Situations such as this tell me that I am doing something right and my daughter actually listens and takes in all the lessons I teach her. It is really not hard, its just a matter of having a dialogue. If more parents were open and honest with their children instead of discrediting their ability to comprehend, imagine how much better off society would be. What do you think?
God bless you, Natrl.
Your story reminds me of the difference between the Depression/WWII generation and the Boomers. It's been downhill ever since. Nobody was perfect of course.
A main reason the Greatest Generation (I disagree with that "Greatest" label, but for reference it's convenient) is Great is the travails they went through. The Depression. The War.
The biggest mistake so many of them made was they did all they could to prevent their kids struggling and suffering as they did. A natural instinct.
Yet struggle and suffer and hopefully learn is IMO the best way to build strength. Some of us call that "building character."
One reason egg-borne animals have to fight and fight, for hours often, to break out of their shell is that that struggle and effort builds the strength they will need to survive. Life ain't easy, as you have learned.
When I was in grad school at a field placement, another (not my) Intern Manager showed up for some reason. We had a brief urinal conversation.
"How's it going?"
"Man, this is stress stress stress!"
"Yes. The tempering of the steel."
Yo, dood, you were SO RIGHT!
One thing we did as students was form a weekly support group. Reflecting on that, I'm sure a few of our instructors smiled at that and thought, "Ah! Process!"
Deprivation, struggle, and suffering can also build pathology, but it obviously did not in your case.
Thanks for an inspiring story.
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