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I was having a conversation this past weekend with my husband's parents. I was talking about the fact that my mom is coming to visit the kids for the weekend in a few weeks.My mom was looking for things to do with the kids. She hasn't seen them in almost 3 years and that's of her own doing.
My husband's parents made a couple of comments that really have me wondering. They keep referencing money. Let her spend $1,000 on them (the kids and it was said more than once). Let her take them to Myrtle Beach for the weekend. They also made a comment that they had a hard time entertaining our kids these days. The kids are now 8/9. They are not their only grandchildren as they have 5 others though only 1 of them lives close by like we do and she's the youngest (so a trip to the neighborhood park is great for her)
My husband's parents live close by. When the kids were in preschool they would go and pick them up and take them for the afternoon (usually from 4-7) once a week. They would take them to the park and dinner or Chuck E Cheese, Dave and Busters (Wednesday's because it's half price)and dinner. In the summer they would take them to the pool and then to dinner or do dinner at their house. This was something they did on their own. They would call us and ask. We never asked them to do this.
Once the kids started elementary school, it got harder to do so they switched to weekends. About twice a month, they call on a Sunday and ask to take the kids. They are the ones that come up with the plan not us. If they ask the kids what they want to do, the kids will tell them laser tag ($8 per kid to play once), sports connection (depends on what you do) or Defy Gravity ($9 per kid for an hour of jump time) for activities or CiCi's for lunch. They also have passes for the local kids museum. They took them there a lot and the kids (being kids) got tired of it. My husband's parents texted me one day about how much it would have cost them had they not gotten the passes and my response was that it has gotten expense for a family of 4 to do much of anything these days. I get it. I entertain my kids and I know it's not cheap. I don't do it all the time because of the expense.
With the comments made, it almost makes me think that they are resentful of the money spent. They are retired but travel quite a bit. They just got back from a 30 day vacation around Spain, Ireland and Iceland. They are going on another vacation in October. They travel back and forth a few times a year between the out of state grandchildren and other family.
I have a really good relationship with my husband's parents. The comments just keep playing in my head. If these things were said to you in conversation what would you think? I will also add that my mom was always more practical when it came to the kids when they were younger. She would be the one to get them clothes, bedding and things like that then spend money on toys and such.
I think your assumption might be correct. They might assume that you are on the same page about it because it has been so long since your parents saw the kids.
It sounds like the money your in-laws have spent was all their idea. That's on them. No one made them do it. I don't see what would be gained by keeping score.
How long have they been retired? Perhaps the money isn't going as far as they thought it would thus they are becoming more conscientious about spending.
Perhaps there is a way to suggest alternatives to going some place and/or suggest they entertain the grandchildren at their home. Something like, "Oh MIL, I really would like the kids learn to cook (or whatever), but I just don't seem to have the time to teach them. Maybe you and FIL could take them to your house and make dinner together." Make it acceptable for your in-laws to share and pass down their skills and hobbies. My grandparents have been gone for decades. I most remember learning things from them like cooking a special dish, planting a garden, etc. I know we went on "outings" occasionally, but that's not what I most remember and cherish.
I also think you need to talk to your kids about this. It maybe that they are acting a bit entitled to special outings when out with them. They should be learning that lazer tag, etc. isn't for everyday activities but for special occasions. I suspect your in-laws are feeling a bit pressured by the kids for this stuff.
It sounds like y'all have a great relationship, so I'm using that as the foundation for my comments.
My parents recently kept my kids for a weekend (we, too, have a great relationship and they live nearby,) and during some casual "planning" conversations my mom commented and inquired a few times about the costs of various activities. And which activities the kids would like. And, if I remember correctly, she even said something to the effect of it getting harder to entertain them...
At some point the lightbulb went off. We all know kids are expensive, but we parents are used to the costs because they are a part of every decision we make everyday. Grandparents, on the other hand, don't budget for or think about those costs until they are entertaining the kids for a period of time. So, in another casual conversation, I mentioned that we'd leave some cash to go towards expenses for the weekend, because, "geez that's a lot of kids, and we forget those costs are already baked into our budget" or something to that effect. I also mentioned a few passes we had, some restaurant gift cards and some coupons. She looked relived and was appreciative.
The weather wasn't great that weekend, and one of the kids had an event that required arranging logistics around several pick ups/drop offs, so their weekend with the kids turned out to be more low-key and home-based than they'd originally planned. All but $20 or so was tucked in with the kids things they returned to us. My husband and I discussed it, and decided even though they didn't need it this time, it was probably nice to know it was there, and that we didn't take them for granted. From now on we'll give them some cash each time they plan some event/outing with the kids.
A second part of this "issue" is that, it seems a lot of kids do become harder (or at least more expensive!) to entertain around age 8 or 9. Based only on personal observation: There too old for easy, fun preschool-age events (like, say, storytime at the library,) they're less wowed by simple crafts/art projects, instead they seem to prefer to assisting with "real" work (my dad tries to have a "woodworking" project or light yard work for him and my older son to do together,) unless they're in a new city they've done all the usual attractions many many times; around this age their physical abilities and stamina start to outweigh those of the their grandparents (my folks aren't riding bikes or playing tag or shooting baskets in the driveway for hours on end...)
Meanwhile, even local grandparents want their visits with the kids to feel special. So they're looking for novel, unique and exciting outings...some of which can be pricey.
My mom sent me a text during the weekend that said, "I discussed with the kids that our plans weren't going to work out like I'd hoped. They said "we always have fun with you!" Precious babies." And that's what it's all about.
It sounds like y'all have a great relationship, so I'm using that as the foundation for my comments.
My parents recently kept my kids for a weekend (we, too, have a great relationship and they live nearby,) and during some casual "planning" conversations my mom commented and inquired a few times about the costs of various activities. And which activities the kids would like. And, if I remember correctly, she even said something to the effect of it getting harder to entertain them...
At some point the lightbulb went off. We all know kids are expensive, but we parents are used to the costs because they are a part of every decision we make everyday. Grandparents, on the other hand, don't budget for or think about those costs until they are entertaining the kids for a period of time. So, in another casual conversation, I mentioned that we'd leave some cash to go towards expenses for the weekend, because, "geez that's a lot of kids, and we forget those costs are already baked into our budget" or something to that effect. I also mentioned a few passes we had, some restaurant gift cards and some coupons. She looked relived and was appreciative.
The weather wasn't great that weekend, and one of the kids had an event that required arranging logistics around several pick ups/drop offs, so their weekend with the kids turned out to be more low-key and home-based than they'd originally planned. All but $20 or so was tucked in with the kids things they returned to us. My husband and I discussed it, and decided even though they didn't need it this time, it was probably nice to know it was there, and that we didn't take them for granted. From now on we'll give them some cash each time they plan some event/outing with the kids.
A second part of this "issue" is that, it seems a lot of kids do become harder (or at least more expensive!) to entertain around age 8 or 9. Based only on personal observation: There too old for easy, fun preschool-age events (like, say, storytime at the library,) they're less wowed by simple crafts/art projects, instead they seem to prefer to assisting with "real" work (my dad tries to have a "woodworking" project or light yard work for him and my older son to do together,) unless they're in a new city they've done all the usual attractions many many times; around this age their physical abilities and stamina start to outweigh those of the their grandparents (my folks aren't riding bikes or playing tag or shooting baskets in the driveway for hours on end...)
Meanwhile, even local grandparents want their visits with the kids to feel special. So they're looking for novel, unique and exciting outings...some of which can be pricey.
My mom sent me a text during the weekend that said, "I discussed with the kids that our plans weren't going to work out like I'd hoped. They said "we always have fun with you!" Precious babies." And that's what it's all about.
You're parent's are lucky to have such a sensitive and helpful daughter. Thanks for this lovely post.
How long have they been retired? Perhaps the money isn't going as far as they thought it would thus they are becoming more conscientious about spending.
Perhaps there is a way to suggest alternatives to going some place and/or suggest they entertain the grandchildren at their home. Something like, "Oh MIL, I really would like the kids learn to cook (or whatever), but I just don't seem to have the time to teach them. Maybe you and FIL could take them to your house and make dinner together." Make it acceptable for your in-laws to share and pass down their skills and hobbies. My grandparents have been gone for decades. I most remember learning things from them like cooking a special dish, planting a garden, etc. I know we went on "outings" occasionally, but that's not what I most remember and cherish.
I also think you need to talk to your kids about this. It maybe that they are acting a bit entitled to special outings when out with them. They should be learning that lazer tag, etc. isn't for everyday activities but for special occasions. I suspect your in-laws are feeling a bit pressured by the kids for this stuff.
I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up. My grandma had a few brother, sisters and cousins around. We'd take a ride over to visit them for an afternoon. It was my job to dust and vacuum every morning while grandma did the dishes. My grandma's house was the evening hang out with the neighbors coming over to chat. During the school year, my grandma used to take all the neighbor kids to school and pick them up in the afternoons. I lived in a neighboring nearby town and went to a Catholic school. I used to love to go along for the rides when I didn't have school and they did.
My husband's parents been retired for as long as they've lived near us. They retired and moved to be closer to us. They do change up the activities and sometimes will invite the kids over (they essentially live behind us and two doors down)to play board games, hangman and things like that. They've always helped my MIL cook and bake. My IL's don't have any hobbies. We have all been telling them that they should find one. They often talk about how they don't have anything to do and don't know what day it is because apart from doc/dentist appts, grocery store and their trips they don't go out much.
The pool is now open so that is always a great cheap activity in the summer. We live at the pool on the weekends and take a cooler of snacks and drinks and make an afternoon out of it.
It sounds like y'all have a great relationship, so I'm using that as the foundation for my comments.
My parents recently kept my kids for a weekend (we, too, have a great relationship and they live nearby,) and during some casual "planning" conversations my mom commented and inquired a few times about the costs of various activities. And which activities the kids would like. And, if I remember correctly, she even said something to the effect of it getting harder to entertain them...
At some point the lightbulb went off. We all know kids are expensive, but we parents are used to the costs because they are a part of every decision we make everyday. Grandparents, on the other hand, don't budget for or think about those costs until they are entertaining the kids for a period of time. So, in another casual conversation, I mentioned that we'd leave some cash to go towards expenses for the weekend, because, "geez that's a lot of kids, and we forget those costs are already baked into our budget" or something to that effect. I also mentioned a few passes we had, some restaurant gift cards and some coupons. She looked relived and was appreciative.
The weather wasn't great that weekend, and one of the kids had an event that required arranging logistics around several pick ups/drop offs, so their weekend with the kids turned out to be more low-key and home-based than they'd originally planned. All but $20 or so was tucked in with the kids things they returned to us. My husband and I discussed it, and decided even though they didn't need it this time, it was probably nice to know it was there, and that we didn't take them for granted. From now on we'll give them some cash each time they plan some event/outing with the kids.
A second part of this "issue" is that, it seems a lot of kids do become harder (or at least more expensive!) to entertain around age 8 or 9. Based only on personal observation: There too old for easy, fun preschool-age events (like, say, storytime at the library,) they're less wowed by simple crafts/art projects, instead they seem to prefer to assisting with "real" work (my dad tries to have a "woodworking" project or light yard work for him and my older son to do together,) unless they're in a new city they've done all the usual attractions many many times; around this age their physical abilities and stamina start to outweigh those of the their grandparents (my folks aren't riding bikes or playing tag or shooting baskets in the driveway for hours on end...)
Meanwhile, even local grandparents want their visits with the kids to feel special. So they're looking for novel, unique and exciting outings...some of which can be pricey.
My mom sent me a text during the weekend that said, "I discussed with the kids that our plans weren't going to work out like I'd hoped. They said "we always have fun with you!" Precious babies." And that's what it's all about.
If I have gift cards, coupons or passes I always offer to share them. The kids got GC's to Defy for Christmas and it was for a good amount. I would have gladly used it to make them jump reservations had they taken them there on one of their outings. The kids told them they had GC's so they were aware.
I think you are right about the real work. The problem is my IL's don't have any hobbies and they have a landscaper. I told my husband he should start teaching our son to mow the grass. He won't let him use our mower but the one my IL's have should be easy enough for him to learn on.
I think they do have fun with them no matter what but you ask a kid what they want to do and they will be honest and tell you. I also think that because my IL's have always done this with them that they've come to expect it. It's just something they do. We always tell them thank you and we always make sure the kids say it as well. We invite the IL's over for dinner,cookouts or for Sunday football to say thanks as well. The kids are getting to that age where if they are going to the park they want to be with their friends playing wiffle ball or football.
I will have to think of ways to curtail the spending on the outings. With summer coming up, I won't have extra to give them to entertain them. I also don't want them to be resentful either. It really just caught me off guard especially because they hadn't seen them in over 30 days. It wasn't like they had just come from some activity with them and that's why the comments were made.
They took them there a lot and the kids (being kids) got tired of it. My husband's parents texted me one day about how much it would have cost them had they not gotten the passes and my response was that it has gotten expense for a family of 4 to do much of anything these days.
As a grandparent to an 8yo girl, I can understand the kids getting sick of going to the same places. My grandkids come over and we watch movies, go swimming in the pool, stuff like that. I don't take them anywhere that costs money very often, because it would get boring after just a couple times. But I would never complain to their parents about the money I chose to spend on them.
But if this is the way they spend time with their grandkids, perhaps they are just saying they felt offended that the kids didn't appreciate it? I don't know.
My husband's parents been retired for as long as they've lived near us. They retired and moved to be closer to us. They do change up the activities and sometimes will invite the kids over (they essentially live behind us and two doors down)to play board games, hangman and things like that. They've always helped my MIL cook and bake. My IL's don't have any hobbies. We have all been telling them that they should find one. They often talk about how they don't have anything to do and don't know what day it is because apart from doc/dentist appts, grocery store and their trips they don't go out much.
The pool is now open so that is always a great cheap activity in the summer. We live at the pool on the weekends and take a cooler of snacks and drinks and make an afternoon out of it.
They really sound like ideal grandparents! I bet many parents reading this thread long to have loving, active, available grandparents right around the corner from their kids!
I know you're thankful to have them. I wouldn't overthink those few comments. I would just become a more aware observer when discussions about the kids, activities and costs come up. Listen really carefully for what hints they may be dropping, but don't overthink them. Offer suggestions about free and cheap activities. Ooh! Here's an idea: My husband and I used have "spending freeze" months where we would try to spend as little discretionary money as possible (it was actually a really fun "game" and a great way build up our savings ) One thing we did that might be fun for your family, and helpful for your in-laws, and your kids are old enough to benefit from the economics lesson: We filled a small accordion file with all the "free" coupons, passes, etc we had. Season passes and museum passes, "free chic-fil-a ice cream" tickets, "free book from b&n" for kids summer reading log, free "xyz" punch cards, of course all our gift cards, etc. They were organized into different categories. Since your in-laws are so close, they could get in on it too! They might enjoy the "challenge" plus they'd have built in ideas for activities and save money! We've gotten out of the habit now, and it really is shocking when I think about how many "free" things we let go to waste.
Regarding the bolded, I would think of hobbies that the kids might enjoy and benefit from, and encourage the grandparents to explore those together. They may be more interested and have more fun if they're learning something new with their grandkids And your kids are old enough to understand grandma and grandpa aren't experts, mistakes will be made, but they're all in it together. Think of the possibilities! Woodworking, scale models, painting, pottery, jewelry making, vegetable garden...even dance lessons, fishing, cooking, bird watching...the possibilities are endless! And even if they wouldn't do these things on their own, they really might enjoy doing them with the kids. Especially if you frame the discussion that way. Maybe they could even take their "short list" to the kids and the four of them could decide together It sounds like they'll be spending a lot of time together this summer, it could be a summer "project" or "theme"!
Ha! Now I'm excited about summer possibilities... and jealous that my parents aren't retired!
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) One thing we did that might be fun for your family, and helpful for your in-laws, and your kids are old enough to benefit from the economics lesson: We filled a small accordion file with all the "free" coupons, passes, etc we had. Season passes and museum passes, "free chic-fil-a ice cream" tickets, "free book from b&n" for kids summer reading log, free "xyz" punch cards, of course all our gift cards, etc. They were organized into different categories. Since your in-laws are so close, they could get in on it too! They might enjoy the "challenge" plus they'd have built in ideas for activities and save money! We've gotten out of the habit now, and it really is shocking when I think about how many "free" things we let go to waste.
