Need some input on 5 year olds situation (ideas, teenage, infants)
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This sounds worrisome. Please get yourselves and your daughter into family counseling. She needs to be with her parents and siblings, even if she is hyper and an attention-seeker.
Oh hell no! I can't even wrap my head around sending a 4 year old away for preschool let alone indefinitely. My son has ADHD, which wasn't diagnosed for years. He was high-energy, high maintenance. I spent his elementary years seeing various specialists and driving him to different therapies until we figured it out. That's what a parent does. Please see a therapist/counselor. All of you.
I was never diagnosed as a child with ADHD, but was as an adult. So what? Seriously. So what? It's not like cerebral palsy where I'm confined to a wheelchair and can't do anything for myself. Now that does take a lot of time and care. ADHD does not.
Passing the buck is not a solution. It's not putting a bandaid on this. Be a parent! She's 5 and needs her PARENTS. Grandparents are NOT parents. They have raised their children. When I was 5, I would have loved to live with my grandparents because they spoiled me rotten. I didn't have any rules. I ate whatever crap I wanted. Watched junk on tv. Doesn't mean that was good for me. Seriously your family needs professional guidance. I feel the most sorry for that little girl whose parents are abandoning her....passing her off onto someone else. That's so sad for her.
My 5 year old lived with me and her mother until last October and she went to stay with her grandparents who live about 90 miles away,we could not get her into the pre k here and we all wanted her to attend school and the grandparents could and did get her in there.
Well now she is back and she is already asking to go back to granny's house,my mother wants her back as does my father. They are great grandparents have no issues at all. Me and the wife are discussing it and are considering letting her go back and live with them on a more permanent basis for kindergarten.
She seems to need A LOT of attention and HATES sharing a room with her 2 year old sister,doesn't care for her older siblings either etc. We talked to her about it and she said she wants to go back. To me it seems like we are giving up but when I think of what's best for her it seems letting her live with them IS the better choice. She needing so much attention is hard with 3 other children 1 of which has special needs.
We saw her constantly when she lived with them and she came to stay with us during school breaks etc.
Any advice? Anyone else gone through this?
Wow... a LOT of judgement on this thread here.
OP, first of all, I want to commend you on listening to your daughters request.
Children are not objects, but emotional soulful beings who actually know what they need.
So, GOOD FOR YOU to listen to her.
That shows your capacity to be an extraordinary parent and trust more the situation than opinions of others.
It may be that your daughter's typology (her inherent temperament) is better suited to her grandparents.
That doesn't make anyone wrong. It's just that they may be better suited given the whole situation.
I am curious about your wife's perspective, her bonding with this child, her level of balance in the care of all the children. (no need to say, just for your reflection)
An important aspect is to watch for hidden agendas and unspoken expectations.
Is your daughter gifted and curious, intuitive and introverted? Such a match might be very supportive of her.
Another aspect to keep in mind might be the guilt that could come later.
If you know of a wise, old therapist (Jungian) a family meeting could be helpful.
You sound very grounded and wise yourself, kind and open to what's best for your daughter.
Trust yourself. Listen carefully to you daughter.
Nothing is etched in stone. A flexible life adapted to changing needs best serves family and society.
Be wary of judgement by others.
Your own discerning mind and instincts of all the family members will make the best choices.
Open communication will ease any challenges, alleviate later guilt.
Look for the good, be wary of any "stories" that get created, keep the intention pure and supportive.
I trust you to find your way with this.
Families all over the world adapt their lives to what's best for their children and families.
In America, we seem to have a lot of judgement based on what we "think is best", when really it only serves our own biases of convention.
Your consideration of this matter is wise. Proceed prudently and with love.
OP, first of all, I want to commend you on listening to your daughters request.
Children are not objects, but emotional soulful beings who actually know what they need.
So, GOOD FOR YOU to listen to her.
That shows your capacity to be an extraordinary parent and trust more the situation than opinions of others.
It may be that your daughter's typology (her inherent temperament) is better suited to her grandparents.
That doesn't make anyone wrong. It's just that they may be better suited given the whole situation.
I am curious about your wife's perspective, her bonding with this child, her level of balance in the care of all the children. (no need to say, just for your reflection)
An important aspect is to watch for hidden agendas and unspoken expectations.
Is your daughter gifted and curious, intuitive and introverted? Such a match might be very supportive of her.
Another aspect to keep in mind might be the guilt that could come later.
If you know of a wise, old therapist (Jungian) a family meeting could be helpful.
You sound very grounded and wise yourself, kind and open to what's best for your daughter.
Trust yourself. Listen carefully to you daughter.
Nothing is etched in stone. A flexible life adapted to changing needs best serves family and society.
Be wary of judgement by others.
Your own discerning mind and instincts of all the family members will make the best choices.
Open communication will ease any challenges, alleviate later guilt.
Look for the good, be wary of any "stories" that get created, keep the intention pure and supportive.
I trust you to find your way with this.
Families all over the world adapt their lives to what's best for their children and families.
In America, we seem to have a lot of judgement based on what we "think is best", when really it only serves our own biases of convention.
Your consideration of this matter is wise. Proceed prudently and with love.
Best wishes to you all.
This is a beautiful post. Sometimes we (I) forget how the written word comes across.
I would still be very cautious about sending the child to live with the grandparents, even if that's what she wants. If the OP's parents are like most grandparents, they get to indulge and spoil the grandkids. Of course a child who needs attention is going to love that. That kind of attention is often unsustainable, though. What happens if the indulgent grandparents have to become the disciplinarian, or have to go about their regular lives, with less attention spent on the child?
It's too bad your daughter's granny lives so far away. It would be great if she could spend more time with your child on a regular basis while she lives at home. I'm also thinking - and may be getting this completely wrong, OP - that you and your wife may be feeling overwhelmed. Having young kids who need a lot of attention is HARD. School is great because it gives the child some direction while giving the parents a break. Do you have full-day kindergarten that your daughter would attend in the fall? She's still a little young, but play dates could help as well, if the other child doesn't need a ton of supervision. As counterintuitive as is seems, sometimes having one more kid added to the mix actually makes things easier. Maybe watch for the things that your daughter is most interested in and that hold her attention, then try to provide those things for her to occupy some of her time. My oldest certainly watched more Disney videos than was probably healthy, but I was working from home when she was young and needed her occupied for a couple hours a day. One last thought; do you have anyone like another relative or friend who could babysit periodically? That might be a good partial solution, too.
I've been thinking more about this thread. I'll respond with my experience based on 40 years of teaching preschool and kindergarten age children and my Master's degree in Early Childhood Development. If the relationship between you and your daughter is irretrievably broken, if you truly feel that it is damaging to her to continue living with you, if you, your wife & daughter & your other children have gone through extensive family consulting, then perhaps it is time to revoke you & your spouses parental rights and give her up permanently to be adopted by a stranger (not the grandparents) and never have any contact with her ever again.
OP, that sounds rather drastic and inappropriate to your situation doesn't it? But, if all of those things were really true then I would be recommending a clean break, permanent adoption with a stranger and never having additional contact with her again.
Frankly, what you are proposing sounds just as drastic and inappropriate to me as a professional who wants the best for the child in both the short term and the long term. This is not a mature teenager who you want to send to live with relatives to go to a top ranked high school or a gifted teen going to college a few years early, or an elementary or middle school child spending a few weeks or summer vacation with the grandparents but a very young child where you wish to abdicate your role as parents to someone else.
Please, please get your entire family into extensive counseling ASAP. Frankly, by your comments & attitude towards your daughter, I would anticipate that counseling could be a lengthy process, probably several years, but will be well worth it.
Good luck.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-01-2017 at 05:43 AM..
What makes me so uncomfortable is it seems like...there is some trying to justify getting rid of your kid. She is tiny. She is asking for what she knows. And you are trying to place an adult decision in her very tiny lap. "Blame it on the kid"...I have heard that before.
It sounds like a hard situation...... I hope things can be straightend out soon (For all thier sakes)
So...you are seriously thinking about letting a FIVE year old make adult decisions? I think I would agree: she probably is better off living with her grandparents.
So...you are seriously thinking about letting a FIVE year old make adult decisions? I think I would agree: she probably is better off living with her grandparents.
I think they are just looking for an excuse to blame it on the kid and not take responsibility that they cant/don't want to raise the child(ren) they made.
OP its wonderful to listen to your child. If your child is saying "I want to move to grandma's house" that doesn't mean they want to move to grandma's house. That means you are not providing for what they need. It is your job to figure that out and provide it. Not ship her off.
Also, if she "hates to share" and is "attention seeking"...there is a lot of information there. She isn't a bad kid. She is communicating with her behavior that her needs are not being met. Grandma and grandpa cant really be expected to meet them (how old will they be when she is in HS...come on now). And it isn't their job.
The bottom line is you are not fulfilling your job as her parent now...and you need to. Shipping her off isn't the answer unless YOU realize you are absolutely ill equipped to raise her, and then you look for an adoptive placement for her. This is not about her...this is about you.
I strongly urge you to get into therapy and parent training with a therapist who works with connection, attachment and play therapy. Or child parent interaction therapy. And personal therapy for you and your wife to figure out why this child has become the black sheep (that answer is within you, not her). This is just such a terrible situation and you are about to ruin your daughter's life if you don't change course. I think only intensive family therapy can help.
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That kind of attention is often unsustainable, though. What happens if the indulgent grandparents have to become the disciplinarian, or have to go about their regular lives, with less attention spent on the child?
(For all thier sakes)
