New millennial moms - why do you still work? (average, child, insurance)
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I'm not sure what kind of pool you go to where you can't tell the preschoolers apart who are with family or who are with daycare, or other events in public (zoos, pioneer farms, museums, etc.)
I would think it would be obvious at a glance. Groups one or two kids are with mom, groups of 15+ are with a daycare.
Notice - honestly - when you're out in public. There really is a difference in which kids are being snapped at for getting out of line or fiddling with another kid, and which kids are more free to be spontaneous and enjoy their outing.
And I can tell homeschooled kids apart from public school kids too. I have served as volunteer judge in a homeschooled cooperative speech/debate event for several years, and have also spent a lifetime in public school settings, and judging events/interacting with public school kids.
Homeschool teenagers are much more likely to view the adult/judges as allies, and seem quick to ask for advice or otherwise don't try to appear "perfect". They seem very comfortable around friendly adult judges. Public school kids (I'm talking about UIL debate and Destination Imagination) seem more apt to try to hide their flaws and are much less willing to ask questions for clarification. They seem to have a more "us" "them" approach to their fellow team members and judges. Homeschool kids will often ask for feedback if they see you later in the hallway, and are in general more comfortable and graceful around adults than public school kids who are in competitions. In my observation.
I generally agree with and appreciate your postings, ATOW, but on this issue I just disagree. Watch for yourself this summer.
I don't know whether the "differences disappear" when the person is an adult - but they are certainly not noticeable the moment you meet them as adults.
It would be interesting to study the differences. There must be differences, positive or negative, in kids raised at home vs. kids raised in daycare.
I can tell which kids are which when they line up or run to their mother, of course. I meant that when they're all in the pool goofing off, they all act the same. The lifeguards yell at all of the kids equally. LOL My (homeschooled) kids have definitely been yelled at to stop running at the pool by the lifeguards!
I have one shy kid and one outgoing kid. My son would never in a million years compete in any type of a speech or debate competition. No way. My daughter would and would be likely to ask the judges for feedback. My son does compete in another type of activity and is just as obnoxious as the other teens with the judges and fellow participants. My daughter is also obnoxious, but teen girls are different from teen boys. I really used to think that homeschooled kids were different, and maybe they are in the younger years, but they're seriously not as teens. It's just a matter of their personalities. I might not believe it if I had two kids like my daughter, but alas... one is shy and a bit awkward around adults (and girls) and the other is a social butterfly who talks to everyone the same way, whether they're boys or girls, adults or kids.
I absolutely agree that of course the quality of the daycares as well as the parenting is HUGE when it comes to this sort of thing (although, again, personality plays a very large part, as evidenced by my having two children just two years apart who are very different). Stay-at-home moms can range from free-rangers to helicopter-ers. Some shelter their kids from every little thing, and others expose them to many different viewpoints on purpose. Some kids live in areas where they go to schools or daycares with a very homogeneous population (and therefore might feel uncomfortable around people who are different), while others go to schools or daycares that have lots of different ethnicities and orientations and might feel more comfortable around people of varying backgrounds/colors/ages/accents/families. This is true regardless of whether a kid goes to daycare before the age of five or whether they are homeschooled until they're 18.
Honestly, I think moms in general want to take credit for every good thing their kid turns out to be, which is normal, but not necessarily healthy. We can all pat ourselves on the back in one way or another.
I do notice that dads tend not to do this much. How many dads snip at each other and brag about how their kids are super awesome because of some choice they made? LOL Pretty much none! And how many dads agonize over whether to quit their jobs for five years so their children don't spend their days interacting with others at daycare rather than interacting with others at the library story hour? Again, not too many. They're too busy doing what needs to get done and not worrying about what other people are doing in their own homes with their own children.
No I'm not. I have a lot of various experiences with children, and also noted that I've seen a horrible daycare (recently). My observations and thoughts of daycare go back about 20 years to present, and aren't based on this one experience with a really bad daycare.
And yet, with all that experience, it took that article for you to realize that quality of care matters?
PS: those kids at the pool? Unless you know them personally, you most likely don't really know whether those well behaved kids are there with a friend or relative or mom on her day off; nor do you know that those "daycare kids" are there as part of a church group, or week-long day camp with moms at home. A lot of assuming.
Last edited by maciesmom; 06-05-2017 at 09:20 AM..
I'm not really sure where to post this, this is a very directed question. This question has been pondering my mind for awhile and just would like a view from the other side
Background
Father and mother are millennials and just had a newborn baby child.
Both have 0 debt - pay everything off every month in full easily
They live a modest life - decent house ($300k), normal cars (low end Toyota/Honda/Ford/etc), no luxury goods, just a mellow normal life with no high expense taste
Only high expense is they love traveling and do it often, but that will probably change with a child
Father brings in $120-$150k year while mother brings in $50-$70k
Healthy savings
This new child is supposedly "everything" to them (you know how new parents are). Now my question is why doesn't the mother just take time off and take care of the baby full time for an extended time? I'm not saying retire, but esp when the baby is young and needs nurturing and attention, why not take an extended leave? Mother doesn't need to work per se (based on facts above). Reason I ask is because I see millienials these days are so focused on finding babysitters and getting straight back to work. It's great you have motivation and work ethics, but again you don't "need" to. Obviously your newborn child is not everything if you choose work over him/her
A lot of people have a hard time giving up that 50-70K. That's a lot of money, even if things are good on paper. So it is somewhat selfish. The people I know that are like this always say "they can't afford it".
Us- we never wanted to stick our kid in daycare. And I also didn't want my wife to miss things at school and such. So we bit the bullet and she quite her teaching job. We are a little older, and most people I know who have wives that stay home, tend to be older.
I do notice that dads tend not to do this much. How many dads snip at each other and brag about how their kids are super awesome because of some choice they made? LOL Pretty much none! And how many dads agonize over whether to quit their jobs for five years so their children don't spend their days interacting with others at daycare rather than interacting with others at the library story hour? Again, not too many. They're too busy doing what needs to get done and not worrying about what other people are doing in their own homes with their own children.
I do think that even in this day and age girls/women are raised to implicitly consider more about what others think - whether it is to be more thoughtful and understanding of others' needs...which can be good - but ends up also translating into more questioning of their own thoughts and actions. Men just do what they need to do...they decide on a course of action and do it. I'm not saying girls are sat down and told to doubt themselves or to always put others needs first, but some of that rubs off on MANY women - great when they need to be empathic and put themselves in others shoes and be thoughtful of other perspectives - but not always great when letting others cause doubt in what we do. Women need to figure out what they need to do for themselves and their families and then do that without this overwhelming regard of what others do (to the betterment of their OWN situations). In general, just to stop second-guessing themselves.
Sorry OP - figure it out for yourself and stop judging situations you really know nothing about.
A lot of this conversation generalizes way too much. Not all day care workers snap at the children and and not all SAHMs never snap. Many daycare settings do a wonderful job of providing creative and fun days for the children, and many SAHMs park their kids in front of the TV too much and some rely too much on the older children to watch the younger ones. Let's face it, the real distinction isn't between home or daycare but rather between whether the environment is nurturing or not. Either can be successful and either can be a failure.
Yes people I know, and not just several, but couple hundred are all based on the description. Not trying to criticize, just trying to get another perspective. I say woman take time off because she makes less, can switch salary & person around same question. I am asking this question out of curiosity
Mompetition aside one serious issue that seldom gets discussed related to SAHMs is mental health. I struggled early on dealing with the isolation. There's only so much meaningful adult interaction you can get through Gymboree and infant play time.
I suspect many people perched on high horses here live within close proximity to extended family, or have always lived where they now reside and don't get what I'm talking about. The reality is that today many families move around for work, have no extended family close by, or have yet to find their close circle, and the societal pressure on mothers to stay home with their kids combined with not having "people" can be very lonely.
A lot of people have a hard time giving up that 50-70K. That's a lot of money, even if things are good on paper. So it is somewhat selfish. The people I know that are like this always say "they can't afford it".
Us- we never wanted to stick our kid in daycare. And I also didn't want my wife to miss things at school and such. So we bit the bullet and she quite her teaching job. We are a little older, and most people I know who have wives that stay home, tend to be older.
How is providing financially for your children "selfish?"
Mompetition aside one serious issue that seldom gets discussed related to SAHMs is mental health. I struggled early on dealing with the isolation. There's only so much meaningful adult interaction you can get through Gymboree and infant play time.
I suspect many people perched on high horses here live within close proximity to extended family, or have always lived where they now reside and don't get what I'm talking about. The reality is that today many families move around for work, have no extended family close by, or have yet to find their close circle, and the societal pressure on mothers to stay home with their kids combined with not having "people" can be very lonely.
After considering the costs of childcare per year along with extra costs that come along potentially with not having a ton of time at home (buying dinner out maybe, just for one example, but also any number of things), that 50k/year job really probably ends up more like a 20k job, depending on where you live. Worth it?
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