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My 14 year old daughter informed last week she has a boyfriend, and he kissed her. I have 2 older sons, one of whom did not date until he was a junior in high school and my other son has not dated yet. So this is treading new water for me.
She had him over for just a few hours today, during the day. What kind of rules would be reasonable here? Allowed to be alone?
Any advice here? I'm truly on new territory here, and my own upbringing is not one to follow.
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When you saw them together, does she look "crazy in love" - or is it just kind of a guy she's good friends with and enjoys his company?
If she looks like she's in love, you have to supervise them every minute. EVERY minute. If she's in love, they shouldn't be allowed to be alone, ever.
If they are going to spend time at his house, the parents should know that they can't be unsupervised. Which doesn't mean someone has to sit between them, they can be on the front porch chatting, or in the living room while adults are in the kitchen, etc.
Well, I did not allow my teens to "entertain" friends of the opposite sex in their bedroom at any time and in our house if a parent was not home.
Many of the other parents did not have the same rules. So, I would recommend taking to the BF's parents to see what they do.
That may not sound like a big deal but I know someone who had similar rules to mine but the GF's parents did not care if her daughter "entertained" in the house while they were at work. Oopsie! A pregnancy when their son was only 15 and a marriage at age 16. BTW, it did not end well.
You can't watch them 24 hours a day, so it's best to have a realistic talk with your daughter about sex and birth control. If if were my daughter, I'd ask if she wanted to start birth control, not because I was encouraging her to have sex (I wouldn't be encouraging her at all) but because I want her to be protected.
Of course you need to be clear about the rules of the home:
1) No member of the opposite sex can visit unless there is adult supervision.
2) Guests always stay in common areas living room, family room, kitchen etc.
3) She can't go to his house unless adult supervision is present, and you want to meet his parents first.
And then give yourself a reality check, NO amount of rules will keep them from having sex if they have made up their mind that's what they want to do. Have a honest and frank discussion with her about sex, birth control, STD's etc. You aren't giving permission you are giving her the tools she needs to make an informed decision. Take her to the Dr. and let the physician discuss with her the various types of BC available, the seriousness of having sex, abstinence, STD's etc. Teens sometimes feel more comfortable talking to a non parental adult.
Keep the trust and communication flowing. Both ways!
The fact she shared with you speaks volumes. Take good care to respect her as she is heading into adult areas with a child's mindset. She'll need some clear defined guidelines.
I say this from experience: 14 is far too young to be dating, let alone kissing another person. My view is that if you are not ready to potentially settle down with and marry someone, you are not ready to date, so I'd say 16-18 would be the youngest I'd allow it.
There was someone in my grade who had a baby at the beginning of ninth grade. If you don't supervise every minute of their interactions, or else nip it in the bud altogether, bad stuff can and often will happen. This is not a very good situation and I think you're right to be concerned about it.
I say this from experience: 14 is far too young to be dating, let alone kissing another person. My view is that if you are not ready to potentially settle down with and marry someone, you are not ready to date, so I'd say 16-18 would be the youngest I'd allow it.
There was someone in my grade who had a baby at the beginning of ninth grade. If you don't supervise every minute of their interactions, or else nip it in the bud altogether, bad stuff can and often will happen. This is not a very good situation and I think you're right to be concerned about it.
P.S. And by no means allow them in the bedroom.
What you are describing sounds more like courting then dating. I personally don't think a 16-18 year old is ready to settle down and get married. At 18 it wouldn't be up to you to allow anything, at 18 they are free to make their own decisions right or wrong. I agree that 14 is on the young side but since that door is already opened its best to be honest and open, so the daughter will talk to mom about things. Keep the lines of communication open.
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