Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I dont ever remember saying we are forcing her to use the car,you'll have to point that particular post out to me.
And you'll have to point out where I said you were forcing her to use the car, because I never said that.
Quote:
As for giving her the car? kinda expensive when you only work 2 days a week. and have to park the car on city streets and abide by strict parking regulations the other 5 days of the week the car isnt being used.
You said you only live a mile away from her, and since it's a car you say is rarely used, where do you keep it the other 5 days of the week the car isn't being used? What is keeping you from giving her a set of spare keys so she doesnt have to asked mom and dad for the keys 2-3 days a week? Is the car somewhere only you can access?
Quote:
The topic is about her disconnect from Mom and Dad now that she has left home and not about the car.the topic is asking for tips/advice and other peoples experiences with their children growing up and abandoning the nest.
She still sees you 2-3 times a week, I wouldn't consider that abandonment. You said in another thread that she was coming over for a special Father's Day breakfast, how did that go?
The disconnect is that she is a 20 something year old woman who probably has very little in common with a retired man.
And you'll have to point out where I said you were forcing her to use the car, because I never said that.
.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundaydrive00
The OP said in another thread that they let her borrow the car to force her to interact with her parents a few times each week. Forced interaction isn't fun for anyone, no matter how much she loves her parents.
i dunno it sure sounds to me like you are implying im forcing her to borrow the car .
i dunno it sure sounds to me like you are implying im forcing her to borrow the car .
Nope, saying "let her borrow" is not even close to implying you force her to borrow it. I even said in that same post "No, the daughter isn't being forced to take the car... "
I used forced because you are using the car to force her to interact with you. That came from this post of yours:
Quote:
Originally Posted by jambo101
it also forces her to interact with us when she picks up the car or drops it off,
So while she could choose to take public transportation, most reasonable people are going to choose the car over a 2 hr bus ride.
You didnt answer any of my questions.
How did the father's day breakfast go?
Why can't you give your daughter a spare set of keys? She might be more likely to call or agree to plans when she isn't already seeing you 2-3x each week.
We arent forcing her to take the car we are offering it to her as a convenience over an hour and a half on public transit its her choice to accept or reject the offer.
While i realize she now has a life of her own and i'm very happy shes happy with it ,is it too much to ask that once in a while she remembers Mom and Dad and returns a bit of the love we gave her for most of her life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jambo101
Some of you are making too much out of her not inviting me to her apartment ,it would be nice but unfortunately its not happening i can live with it,what i would like is her to show some family bonding in the form of coming to our house once in a while and showing a bit of love to Mom and Dad after all the love we've given and still give you for the best part of your life. As for the car? she lives downtown Montreal and works 2 nights a week out in the boonies,with her financial limitations and downtown parking hassles it just doesnt make sense for her to buy a car when we have an extra one that is rarely used,i'm not comfortable with her taking public transport at midnight and in the winter when its -20 waiting for a bus in the middle of nowhere for up to an hour is no fun so for piece of mind i dont mind her borrowing one of the cars.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jambo101
She works as a dispatcher Friday and Saturday nights, she does a drive by on Friday evening to pick up a car the visit lasts as long as it takes for me to give her the keys and tell her where the car is parked we always invite her for supper but she never has the time,Sunday morning she returns the car and immediately wants to be driven home even though she has been invited for breakfast.Im not asking her to be a major part of my life but at least interact once in a while rather than a quick in and out treating Mom and i like inconveniences to be tolerated.
The car posts in question. Sounds like a mutually beneficial agreement. She gets to use the car. You get the peace of mind and a quick visit.
The OP lives in the same city, only a mile away. It would seem like he is already paying these parking fees on a car that no one else uses. I don't see why the daughter can't br given a spare set of keys so she doesn't have to go to mom and dad each time to borrow the car. The OP said in another thread that they let her borrow the car to force her to interact with her parents a few times each week. Forced interaction isn't fun for anyone, no matter how much she loves her parents.
And while the OP never specifically said he insisted, he did say it was for his peace of mind that she uses the car. To me, that does sound like he insisted that she use the car, and that it wasn't the daughter's idea. No, the daughter isn't being forced to take the car, but most people are going to agree with borrowing the car when the alternative is a 2 hr bus ride.
[quote=Sundaydrive00;48584640]And you'll have to point out where I said you were forcing her to use the car, because I never said that.
You said you only live a mile away from her, and since it's a car you say is rarely used, where do you keep it the other 5 days of the week the car isn't being used? What is keeping you from giving her a set of spare keys so she doesnt have to asked mom and dad for the keys 2-3 days a week? Is the car somewhere only you can access?
She still sees you 2-3 times a week, I wouldn't consider that abandonment. You said in another thread that she was coming over for a special Father's Day breakfast, how did that go?
The disconnect is that she is a 20 something year old woman who probably has very little in common with a retired man.[/QUOTE]
Bingo. I am now fairly good friends with my parents but at 20, I wasn't. I wasn't a kid any more, but was also not fully an adult. There is a progression from parent/child to adult/adult relationship. It doesn't happen overnight.
We seem to be going on and on and on about the car when my issue with daughter is about so much more,its obvious she doesnt want full time possession of the car lets leave it at that.
She dropped by fathers day morning spent 10 minutes eating the food i'd prepared then got Mom to drive her home. Wednesday morning we invited her for breakfast,Too early she said. later in the day we were again in her area and invited her to join us for supper,too busy was the reply. im still waiting for her to take me up on my offer of movie and restaurant of her choice for her birthday which was a month ago, I'd ask but im sure id get the "too tired" or "too busy" response.
Anyone else got an empty nest and children who seem to be now distant from Mom and Dad?
Anyone else got an empty nest and children who seem to be now distant from Mom and Dad?
Why? I don't know that you'd get much practical advice from someone who is going through the same problem because it would mean they don't know how to fix it either.
We are fixated on the car because it seems like a SYMPTOM of something else, possibly a clue to what is actually wrong in the relationship. Some of us think that perhaps the car is a control issue for you even though you aren't forcing her to use it.
'Here honey, you can use the car (and save yourself a lot of time and inconvenience), but only if you stop by to see us and pick up the keys'. That's a lot different than 'here honey, we are worried about your safety so take this spare set of keys and use the car when you need to get to work'. She may not want full time possession but it's obvious she has use for it and it's doubtful she'd turn down any offer that gave her free use of it.
Again, if you took the car out of the picture do you think she would stop by at all, and are you using it to make sure there is some contact with her? I'm not really expecting an answer here, but I hope you give the question some serious thought.
I think this post says it all as to why the daughter doesn't go out of her way to spend time with the parents. The whininess, neediness and entitlement is overwhelming. Who wants to spend time with all that?
Seriously? Entitlement?
They raised her and brought her into this world. She should be more appreciative.
This is one of the things that I really hate about my generation (yes, I'm a millennial that treats his parents well).
That's you. She is a different person than you. She has/had different experiences than you. What you wanted & enjoyed is not universal, it's up to each individual. I certainly never missed my parents when I moved out of their home, I couldn't wait to be apart from them & live my own life. Honestly, I probably did treat them as an inconvenience, b/c I was selfish in my 20's. I generally only contacted them when I wanted something. There were reasons for that. They are whiny, refuse to make changes abt the things they whine about, have very rigid & judgemental beliefs about what they think is right & constantly offer unsolicited advice, all that despite the fact that I was leading a very successful life. They felt I should do everything the way they thought was right, instead of my own way. They still do all of that now, 30some years later. Why would I want to spend time with them? They're whining is draining, toxic & negative. Ha & they still want all of us to visit once or twice a year, even though we all live in different states.
You'd have to ask your daughter why isn't exhibiting the same joy that you had, but to expect her to be you, makes zero sense, as she's a totally different person. Chances are pretty good, that you are not coming across the way you think you are. Even if you were the perfect parent you seem to believe, which is highly unlikely, she's 20. She's not supposed to hang out with her parents, she's s'posed to separate from you. She's not s'posed to socialize with you, other than shared history, she has nothing in common with people 20-30 years older than her, at this age. That changes a bit, when you're in your 30's & 40's &/or when you have kids of your own.
You never answered how old your other daughter is? Or how often you hand out unsolicited advice? Do you judge her choices? Do you try & tell her how to live her life? It would be SO interesting to her side of the story!
Oh & the only person I would meet at 8:30 in the morning is Ed McMahon, which I don't think is too likely these days. I don't even wake til 11AM usually. I try to keep company with people who respect that I keep different hours than them.
ETA: Where on earth did you see anyone tell you that you weren't s'posed to love her? No one has said that. There's a world of difference between don't love her & it's unrealistic to expect to hang out with your 20yo daughter.
Quite frankly, you sound like an awful and selfish daughter. I would never treat my parents the way you apparently treat yours.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
