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That is quite typical for people of that age, they tend to become more involved with their parents gradually as they age. You might try setting up a regular 'girl's night out' or 'family dinner night' etc. to encourage the family bond. Very few kids invite parents over to their home, especially when single, because they still see you and your home as the seat of all family gatherings and traditions. This all sounds quite normal of someone becoming an adult. Ask yourself, when you got on your own, how often did you invite your parents over? How often did you visit them other than big holidays? How often did you initiate the phone call? For most people, the answer when they were newly independent was a lot like what you're daughter is doing now. As a parent, you are used to your child being the center of your life and you being the center of theirs, and when they become independent that can be quite an adjustment. Make sure you are doing things to pursue a fulfilling life as an adult not just as a mom.
I do this with my parents in my early 20s (grad school), pretty typical.
I'm not deliberately being cold, I think psychologically there's just a mundaneness factor involved with parents, like I want to create my own independent life now so goodbye. That's the mentality.
This. Even for once weekly calls home, say, one can run out of news. Getting set up in a first apartment (or a shared place), and established in a job ends up being pretty mundane, once one is settled in. Weekends aren't necessarily full of fun activities. Life can be pretty routine. Sometimes, or perhaps fairly often, there's nothing to report. "How was work this week?" --"Fine". "What did you do on the weekend?" "We just hung out. Nothing special."That type of exchange can get excruciating. Or: "We went to a rave this weekend! It was awesome!" "A rave? What's that? Did it involve drugs?!! We don't want you going to any raves, whatever they are! "
And what if their precious child is involved in something the parents don't approve of, or have no interest in? What if Johnny or Janie is involved in a Reggae band? What if their offspring is volunteering for environmental or social justice organizations, while the parents think the child has been brainwashed about Global Warming, or has been abducted into a justice warrior cult? Things like this do happen. Kids evolve into their own unique people, and that uniqueness may not mesh well with the nest they left. Sometimes establishing a bit of distance is best for all concerned.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 06-18-2017 at 11:39 AM..
Do you invite her over for meals or visits or do you expect her to just drop by?
ETA I was reminded by the other thread that she works a night shift. What has changed since your last thread? Have you invited her over? Do you take her odd work schedule into account when you schedule things? Do you ask what would work for HER?
Thought i was a loving parent who went out of my way to bring up a lovely daughter,never any physical or verbal abuse,gave her everything she ever wanted,the best of schools and all the soccer and skating activities,she moved to her own apartment 3 years ago and really has no interest in maintaining a relationship with her parents ,its as if i didnt call her once in a while we'd never hear from her again,its like she doesnt want to know us. in the 3 years shes never once invited us over to her place and only comes to visit us on the big holiday meal events (Christmas/Thanksgiving)or if she needs to borrow a car. Im Wondering where i went wrong.
jambo, I am so sorry to hear that. Who can ever know what causes kids to ignore their parents. It sounds like maybe you did a little too much for her, and yet, somehow she never learned respect for her elders. Have you tried to address your feelings with her? Obviously there is either something she doesn't want to share with you or you did something that has really upset her and she isn't willing to approach you and tell you what.
We have had 2 friends, many years ago I will add who had the same sad situation. In one case, it turned out the daughter was a lesbian and couldn't bring herself to share this with her parents. The other case drugs were involved. The one with the drug problems eventually came around and returned to the loving child she had been many years before. The other case, was a mutual situation; the parents could not totally accept the sexual orientation of their daughter and the daughter couldn't discuss her feeling with her parents. The sad thing is: her dad is now dead without the two of them ironing out their differences.
Hopefully this will pass, she will one day, be a major part of your life again.
Look back even farther than when you had a family & got together with the grandparents. How much time did you spend with Mom & Dad when you were just out of school, had your first job or two, and were living on your own?
Or was it a completely different situation? Did you live at home until you were married? Or live next door or in the same neighborhood as your parents? Did your entire extended family, cousins, aunts, uncles, get together often?
I understand what you're saying. I never lived in the same city as my parents after high school. Sometimes it wasn't even the same state. When I married DH, we moved 1500 miles away. For the first part of my career, I had to work evenings, weekends and holidays. We did not do things together often.
Still, to think that in three years the OP (and presumably his wife if he has one) to have never been invited to her home, when she lives locally? I don't find that normal.
Last edited by Katarina Witt; 06-18-2017 at 12:44 PM..
Hmmm. Well that adds more to the story. Riding back home in silence does seem pretty odd.
Maybe because she just got done working a night shift and is tired. If she is only working 3 nights a week, she is probably not keeping a consistent sleep schedule so staying up till 8am could be rough for her.
I understand what you're saying. I never lived in the same city as my parents after high school. Sometimes it wasn't even the same state. When I married DH, we moved 1500 miles away.
Still, to think that in three years the OP (and presumably his wife if he has one) to have never been invited to her home, when she lives locally? I don't find that normal.
Does she live with roommates? Have a tiny apartment with no room for entertaining? Either would be normal in your 20s. I've lived in the same apartment for 5 years, but with 2 roommates, and NEVER have anyone over. It's a place to sleep, nothing more, and I never know what state it will be in with the roommates. If the parents are particularly neat, or the daughter particularly messy, she might be embarrassed to invite them over.
Unfortunately, not all parents and kids have much in common. That doesn't mean any negative feelings on either side.
Additionally, just because the parents don't think there are issues doesn't mean the adult child doesn't feel that there were. My parents would go under oath in saying they were not abusive to my brother and I, and are completely confused as to why I have no contact with them and why my brother has very limited contact with them. No amount of talking to them has changed their perception (why I no longer have them in my lives), even though they have made some universally understood cruel decisions in their relationships with their children. I'm not saying that's the issue here, but parent-child relationships can be so complicated.
Maybe because she just got done working a night shift and is tired. If she is only working 3 nights a week, she is probably not keeping a consistent sleep schedule so staying up till 8am could be rough for her.
We invite her over frequently but obviously not after she has just finished a night shift, the usual reply is im tired or im busy or maybe another time.
I asked my wife what she thinks of our daughters behavior her response maybe right on the money, the kid has been spoiled rotten all her life and has grown up to be a selfish little brat.
Does she live with roommates? Have a tiny apartment with no room for entertaining? Either would be normal in your 20s. I've lived in the same apartment for 5 years, but with 2 roommates, and NEVER have anyone over. It's a place to sleep, nothing more, and I never know what state it will be in with the roommates. If the parents are particularly neat, or the daughter particularly messy, she might be embarrassed to invite them over.
Unfortunately, not all parents and kids have much in common. That doesn't mean any negative feelings on either side.
Additionally, just because the parents don't think there are issues doesn't mean the adult child doesn't feel that there were. My parents would go under oath in saying they were not abusive to my brother and I, and are completely confused as to why I have no contact with them and why my brother has very limited contact with them. No amount of talking to them has changed their perception (why I no longer have them in my lives), even though they have made some universally understood cruel decisions in their relationships with their children. I'm not saying that's the issue here, but parent-child relationships can be so complicated.
I don't know if she has roommates and I don't know why you're asking me.
I agree parent/child relationships can be complicated.
I asked my wife what she thinks of our daughters behavior her response maybe right on the money, the kid has been spoiled rotten all her life and has grown up to be a selfish little brat.
Gee, I wonder why she doesn't want to spend time with the two of you....
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