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Not surprisingly, the question that is popping up a lot of late in conversations with friends and family is, "When are you having kids?"
If you had asked me years ago whether I wanted to have kids, I would have replied with an emphatic "no." However, in recent years I've softened my stance a bit and find myself on the fence. I have my days where I'm glad I don't have kids and others where I do want one. (The latter is usually triggered by seeing pics of friends with their children.)
My wife is a middle school teacher who deals with children all day. She says she does want to have a kid, but seems less enthused than she did a few years back.
She says she's not yet ready. Not only does she want to put her financial affairs in order first (she has debt and not that much saved up), but she wants to work on her health. She is overweight and suffers from high blood pressure, hyperthyroidism, PCOS, and a slew of stomach issues.
What's holding me back a little? The fact that I'll have to part with sleep and the peace and quiet I so relish at home. I really enjoy the sense of freedom that being child-free affords. I also fear that having a child will strain our marriage, as my wife is very low-energy and we have no support system to speak of. (She enjoys those lazy Sundays as much as I do.) But I understand having a child requires huge sacrifices, and if it's something I want, I will have to give it my all.
Did any of you get pressure from friends and family to have kids? How'd you deal with it?
It's interesting that the default assumption is that everyone wants, can, and intends to have kids. People don't ask if you want to have kids, but when.
My wife is becoming increasingly frustrated as it seems her folks are only ratcheting up the pressure.
Last edited by Wordsmith12; 06-20-2017 at 01:27 PM..
I'm going to say this, your wife definitely needs to get her health under control. Though with PCOS, no matter her weight, she may still have some trouble conceiving.
yea parents can be like that. My in-laws even RELOCATED to our city just to "be close"......you know..... just in case we had kids. Understand that not everyone was meant to have kids. I heard once that out of 4 people 3 will reproduce. If 4 out of 4 reproduced the earth would be overpopulated and wouldn't be able to sustain this.
Anyway, you two sound like you WILL end up having kids but just trying to decide on WHEN. Your wife's obesity and health problems are alarming as is the debt so I can understand putting it off. Babies will empty your wallet faster than you can blink and there's often very little time to focus on "YOU" when the baby arrives. She's probably got it right by saying "I'm not ready yet".
It's rude to ask anyone when they are planning on having kids. It's no one's business. Not even your own parents
I would come up with a stock phrase that you are both comfortable with when people cross this boundary.
If you guys don't set the boundaries, no one else will
Oh please it's a common question and we got it all the time. Didn't bother us because we aren't over sensitive twits. No one is forcing anyone to procreate but close friends and family are curious and it is nice to get outside ideas from different view points on topics that are life changing. Kids being a big one.
Anyway, op, if you want them don't delay to long. Woman's reproductive health diminishes rapidly as they age. Other people's kids are not your own. So don't expect it to be the same it isn't.
Kids are great. Assuming you aren't only out for yourselves. If you're looking to grow your family and focus on family kids are awesome. All in what your priorities are. I don't feel as though I've sacrificed anything for my child, life changes a little bit it's more of a growing than a change.
We were late to the game and most of our friends had kids so having one was NBD. If our friends were single or we were heavy into the bar scene or we were focused on ourselves then they wouldn't work out as well
By your 30s you should know how they will impact your life. We regret waiting as long as we did because we would of had another.
I don't think the friends asking is what should concern you. It seems like you and your wife need to be on the same page. This is a big issue not to have at least mostly worked out with your wife way before now.
I can't imagine asking anyone other than maybe my own children (and that's a big maybe... right now they're teenagers) if they plan on having children. I didn't ask my brother when he got married a couple years ago even though I wondered, because it was none of my business. (They do have a baby now.) Thinking about it, I doubt I'd ask my own kids even. I'm sure I'll be among the first to know if they do have children!
I had children young (I was 22 and 25 respectively), so I didn't get questions like that. I occasionally got questions about whether we wanted more. Actually, we did, but we had two early losses and at that point, I was done and didn't want to go through another miscarriage, so we decided our family was complete with two children. Now our kids are older and we are 40, so no one asks anymore.
OP, I'd politely ignore such questions. But that's just me. I think it's perfectly fine to decide to have no children. They're a huge, lifechanging commitment. I'm very happy that we have our family and I love my children more than I could have ever imagined possible, but I'm not one to say that everyone must have kids to feel fulfilled. Do what is right for you! (And I do agree that your wife needs to get healthy either way, but particularly if you do decide to have a baby... pregnancy and motherhood is hard on the body even when there are no underlying issues.)
^^I agree with your advice. I also agree with aridon, who said there's never a "good" time. Heck, I learned that in nursing school, all those decades ago. "Now" is never the right time, at first.
My husband and I were married for 15 years before we conceived. I fielded an awful lot of questions about it, but I never took honest curiosity as judgment. The only pressure (and it was minimal) was my dad periodically complaining that at 60 all his friends had grandkids to spoil and he didn't have any!
At 32, you still have several years to decide what you want. Your wife may have some trouble conceiving because of her health issues, but her fertility is not going to drastically change over the next 4 or 5 years. I think it's healthy to consider what a big impact a child will have on your lifestyle, and you and your wife definitely need to be discussing it. Ultimately a child needs to be wanted by both parents, so if either of you decide on no, that has to win.
For what it's worth, my husband had (still has) many of the same concerns you have. He knew it was something I wanted, though, and tells me that no one whose opinion he respects regretted deciding to have children, and the vast majority are very open about what a blessing and enrichment to their lives those children have been. Something that also helped us was deciding in advance that we would not go through any fertility treatment; we'd simply stop trying to prevent a baby and see what happened. I feel like that mindset took a lot of pressure off of both of us. Incidentally, I was also overweight and had undiagnosed uterine fibroids, but I got pregnant quickly and am 6 weeks away from delivering, so you never know!
If you're going to do it, it's better to do it soon. It's only going to get more difficult as pregnancy risks start to go up quickly. We had our one at 30 and believe me, you do not want to be 37-40 chasing after a 3 year old let alone be dealing with 2 or more.
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