Parents, can you explain why lots of parents do this with their younger children? (babysitting, teaching)
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My parents were like that. I never had enough clothes, shoes without holes, etc. When I went to college, I got a full scholarship but my parents never offered to pay for books or fees or even to help with transportation. I had a ton of chores to do around the house...cooking, cleaning, lawn care, everyone's laundry, packing lunches for my sisters, child care for my youngest sister.
My parents helped my middle sister with school expenses and always gave her rides to school. With the youngest, they paid for college, bought her a car, gave her another car when she forgot to put oil in the first one and killed the engine, and are still helping her with rent and car insurance.
My mom's only excuse is that life was harder with three kids at home, although I know she didn't buy me clothes or shoes because she didn't want me to fit in, and in middle school she only let me shower once every two weeks. So some of her behavior was just meanness. She told me I wasn't supposed to have a life outside the house or have friends that would take time away from chores, and I was supposed to live in her house forever and take care of my parents when they got old. Then she got mad when I was 18 and said she was kicking me out for having a boyfriend, and she was shocked when I left.
Wow, that's terrible, but it sounds like you excelled despite her.
My youngest got so much more good stuff than his older siblings. He got the new truck, and nice vacations, plenty of money, and things that we could not afford when his 3 siblings were at home. It was just the result of our having more money, time and experience. I will say though that my oldest has always been the best student because we poured so much time into her when she was a baby. It's mainly the two middle ones who got gypped a bit.
So I have noticed a theme that can be quite common. Parents are very harsh with the oldest but yet very babied with the youngest. I am 30 and have a younger sister that's 21. Growing up my parents were very strict and I had to buy everything I wanted except for birthdays and christmas and was put to work all the time. If I did anything wrong I would get very harsh punishment, like grounding for months at a time.
My sister on the other hand has always been treated with kid gloves. For example, whereas I never got an allowance she has had one and has never had to do the kind of work as I did. When she graduated HS and went off to college parents bought her a $2,000 laptop, and paid for her tuition, which she ended up wasting by dropping out and moving back home after one semester. Then she got arrested for a DUI last year and not only was she bailed out but they paid all of her fines and a lawyer. She has never held an actual job before. I have never been in legal trouble but I guarantee at her age I would not have been bailed out, let alone had my fines paid. Hell, I even remember my parents telling me if I ever got arrested don't bother calling them.
They don't push her to get a job let alone pay rent and now has a record.
As a result she is very immature and is very lazy. She also has a new tablet and smart phone. Yet this kind of thing seems to be fairly common, any parents here explain? And if you have younger and older kids would you say you were a lot easier on the younger ones?
I can relate to this -- a lot !
I am the oldest of five.
My parents were very hard on me and gradually eased off as my siblings were born. I was not allowed to go out in public without dressing a certain way, was forced (against my will) to attend church and Sunday school -- both of which I hated, had to keep high grades in school (not a bad thing, I guess), was not allowed to watch certain programs or shows on TV and allowed very limited social contact outside of our home (unless it involved church ) .
Then, when the twins were born four years after me, my parents were still strict, but not to the same level they had been with me.
Then, four years after that, when our youngest sibling was born, he has grown up with almost no rules and discipline and become the "golden child"...despite having secretly confessed to me some rather awful things he's done (such as cheating his way through college and stealing from my parents without them knowing), he remains their "golden child".
As I got older and saw things, I developed a lot of resentment and, quite frankly, it made me not want to have any children of my own.
I still love my parents and my siblings, despite all of it, but I would be lying if I said there's no pain/resentment there.
Well, some parents just don't do a very good job, OP. Yours were apparently on two opposite extremes and neither one good. I'm glad you turned out well despite them.
In general though, each child is born into a slightly different family, to slightly different parents. For better or for worse. We were way more uptight about our oldest, still are sometimes, as we go through things for the first time. We are more laid back with our youngest because we learned what really isn't as big a deal as we thought. However, our oldest is an easy kid and we probably parented him a bit easier than our youngest, who is more of a handful and tests us in ways the older two never did. He is a totally different kid. We had two easy, sweet, quiet boys and then one noisy little tornado. Completely different styles of parenting needed, and in this case, the older two probably had it better. We were thrown for a loop with the third and in some ways are relearning as we go.
So you resent that your parents raised you to be self-reliant and successful and raised your sister to be a spoiled failure? I'm sure it feels like she got the better deal, but looking from afar it seems you may have been raised better.
And honestly, the reasons why vary. A nine year difference is pretty big, your parents could have changed in that time. They could have gotten richer, or tired of the struggle with discipline, or maybe they just thought you could handle strict treatment better. It's also possible they just like your sister better.
Unless you go through something like the OP did, you have no idea what it's like!
Unless you go through something like the OP did, you have no idea what it's like!
Yeah. She pretty much stays home, browses the web, plays on her laptop/ipad/smart phone and parents allow it. God forbid she were to get pregnant and have a kid! I mean, I'm glad it's not my problem but sheesh!
Actually, we did the opposite of what the OP is saying. Our first born could do no wrong in our eyes. He was smart, athletic, and popular. We traveled extensively with him, paid for private high school and college, the cars, the clothes, etc. And smartened up with the next two. #1 is the least resilient child, he expects things to go his way and doesn't always handle things well if they don't.
We made a conscience, and financial, decision that the next 2 would not have everything handed to them. We paid for college, but at in-state universities. All three have done well for themselves, but the younger two have more appreciation for their fortunes in life, and are far easier to reason with.
I don't know if there is a pattern with birth order or gender. I'm the youngest of two girls and my sister was the golden child. My friend was the oldest between her and her brother and he was the golden child.
I agree with some posters. It may not seem like it at first, but it was a blessing to be raised that way. They doted on my sister but left me to my own devices. It made me self-reliant which got me through some of life's struggles when I didn't have anyone else.
I think parents do it because they see something lacking in one child, and feel they may need more help, and they dote out of guilt. Maybe it's a subtle handicap or learning disability. My sister had a learning disability, so that could explain their behavior.
Unless you go through something like the OP did, you have no idea what it's like!
^^^^Exactly!
I was the oldest of three kids and the only girl. My mother was an alcoholic and a mean-spirited narcissist. My father never challenged her nor did he ever defend us kids when she was abusive. He, too, engaged in some verbal and emotional abuse and was the one who gave us whippings.
I was expected to do more chores than my brothers because I was the oldest and a girl. According to my mother, boys don't need to learn housework because they lived at home until they got married, then their wives did all the chores. I got punished for so-called bad grades at school. For the first 5 years of school, I was on the honor roll but to hear my parents talk, my grades were horrible. When we got pets, I was expected to do most of the care. Much as I love cats and dogs, it was the main reason I never owned a pet as an adult.
Meanwhile, my brothers got away with a lot while growing up. My mother thought the older of the two was perfect---and even said so. When he became a teen, he had friends in low places. My mother didn't care---she trusted him and kept sneering at me and telling me she didn't trust me. This brother ended up becoming an alcoholic and a pot head plus a smoker. He was a depressive who was one of the walking wounded. He kept a job and did it well. Four years ago, he died of lung cancer.
The youngest had ADD and dyslexia. Back then, schools didn't have special Ed for kids like him. My father wanted to crack down on him when it came to schoolwork while my mother talked to a counselor who told her to just leave him alone. He barely graduated HS. My parents always bailed him out---literally and figuratively---when he had problems. Their hope for him was to find a wife who would take care of him.
Yes, I ended up being the most responsible one of us all. The older brother didn't do so badly there---he always remembered my birthday and sent a card. The younger one never did. Now that he's older, he gets angry when no one sends him cards---geez!
I seriously considered not having kids but I found as I got older I ached for a baby. My husband and I agreed to have just one. I feared favoring one kid over the other. Plus I didn't want to recycle the abuse into the next generation.
It's easy for someone who didn't experience any of this to say something like "get over it". It's not that simple.
My parents were more strict on me in some ways than they were on my sister (5 years younger). I had a much earlier curfew than my siblings and had more chores/more responsibility from an earlier age than either one of them did.
We were not wealthy by any means--we were working class. We were all treated pretty equally in terms of material needs/wants.
I was kind of the opposite as your experience since my dad paid the most attention to me and my sister recently told me that she's in therapy over childhood dynamics...
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She has never held an actual job before. I have never been in legal trouble but I guarantee at her age I would not have been bailed out, let alone had my fines paid. Hell, I even remember my parents telling me if I ever got arrested don't bother calling them. 
) .
Unless you go through something like the OP did, you have no idea what it's like!
