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My parents were like that. I never had enough clothes, shoes without holes, etc. When I went to college, I got a full scholarship but my parents never offered to pay for books or fees or even to help with transportation. I had a ton of chores to do around the house...cooking, cleaning, lawn care, everyone's laundry, packing lunches for my sisters, child care for my youngest sister.
My parents helped my middle sister with school expenses and always gave her rides to school. With the youngest, they paid for college, bought her a car, gave her another car when she forgot to put oil in the first one and killed the engine, and are still helping her with rent and car insurance.
My mom's only excuse is that life was harder with three kids at home, although I know she didn't buy me clothes or shoes because she didn't want me to fit in, and in middle school she only let me shower once every two weeks. So some of her behavior was just meanness. She told me I wasn't supposed to have a life outside the house or have friends that would take time away from chores, and I was supposed to live in her house forever and take care of my parents when they got old. Then she got mad when I was 18 and said she was kicking me out for having a boyfriend, and she was shocked when I left.
Wow, I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. Sounds like she had/has a mental health issue. Also sounds like she was extremely jealous of you.
Hopefully if /when you are a parent you won't repeat this pattern of your parents. With that said I think all siblings become jealous at one time or another. What is fair? Is it giving money to the oldest child because he has a family and skip the youngest because he is still at home? Do parents give equally? Not give at all? What about babysitting and time with the grandkids. Is that under subjection too? I mean how far can this go to where the jealousy is gone and forgiven.
I can understand it but I'd think it's something to grow out of. Be jealous when you're a kid is true as long as attitudes change as adults. And if it's still eating at you talk to your siblings and your parents and clear the air. Maybe as the parents got older and had fewer kids at home, finances got better, and they could indulge. Or they received an inheritance. I think it's also time to stop and sit back and think of all the times your parents were there for you in doing things like getting you places, teaching you skills, to drive, letting you drive the family car and pay for your car insurance, supporting your decisions to do what you want with your life, even if those plans change.
I'm not a parent that plays favorites. I also don't give equally to them, I give when I want, when I can, and if they don't appreciate or acknowledge it, then that giving is stopped. Yes I will give my time, interest, help, and money to family that acknowledges and appreciates it. After all it's their inaction that brought them to that point. Staying in touch is all about communication and it's a two way street.
I get the feeling you aren't close to your sibling. You might change that and see how things change.
I think it is human nature, and there are tons of comedians that cover the issue on the difference between the first child and the last.
Sis and I our 10 years apart. I was thrown in the deep end of the pool at age 5 to learn to swim, she had lessons at the tennis club, etc. In our case probably a lot to do with money.
My sis turned out awesome.
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The joke used to be to look at the baby books/photo albums for the firsts child and then for the subsequent ones. I know it's true for my kids, I just didn't have the time or energy to devote to that sort of thing once the second kid came along! That's nothing as serious as what the OP talks about but like another poster said, every kid is born into a different family, things change from year to year so nobody ever get exactly the same treatment. Sometimes parents learn and adjust, or want to try something different, or are forced to go a different direction by life circumstances. Sometimes it's how people view boy and girls because of their own experiences, like a mom who is overprotective of a daughter because of something bad that happened to her when she was young vs a boy who was pushed to be all he could be by his dad who was rewarded by behaving that way himself. It's always kind of a crapshoot.
OP - I think your parents are very very exaggerated examples of parents of multiples.
It's normal to be harder/different on the first. You don't know what you're doing, and every little thing about the child seems magnified.
Interestingly, up to a certain point in time, ALL the US astronauts were first born or only children.
First born/only children are treated differently. Usually not to the degree you were, but usually to a noticeable degree.
It's common for the opposite to be true, as well; the first-born is the special one, and can do no wrong, even when s/he has to be bailed out of jail, does poorly in school, etc. In families like that, the middle child or the youngest may get blamed irrationally for anything that goes wrong, even if that child is the brightest, the highest-achieving, and the most thoughtful.
There's often no rhyme or reason to these things. It's really about the parents, and their poor parenting skills, or dysfunction, than it is about the kids. But the kids can't see that, of course, so they take it personally.
Part of it may be that parents, as they gain experience at the job, get a better idea of what is important and what is not and do a better job of choosing those things which actually turn out to be critical to the upbringing of their kids rather than what has proven to be less consequential with their older kids.
Part of it may be that parents, as they gain experience at the job, get a better idea of what is important and what is not and do a better job of choosing those things which actually turn out to be critical to the upbringing of their kids rather than what has proven to be less consequential with their older kids.
I understand what you, and others are saying. But isn't that quite different than paying for all the fines and legal fees that they get? I talked with my mother and she said they are going to pay the $860 it takes for my sister to get her license back as well as whatever it costs for her to have the breathlyer thing installed in her car for a year.
I understand what you, and others are saying. But isn't that quite different than paying for all the fines and legal fees that they get? I talked with my mother and she said they are going to pay the $860 it takes for my sister to get her license back as well as whatever it costs for her to have the breathlyer thing installed in her car for a year.
Age and birth order doesn't matter, some people never become responsible no matter how old they become. My MIL had told DH years ago she was keeping a running tally of what money she has given his sister and her kids to keep it fair in the end. He was grateful she recognized and voiced what was happening. Recently, after yet another crisis and money needed, DH told his Mom not to worry about keeping things even, it doesn't matter anymore. His sister needs the help and he doesn't.
His sister is older and was the one with more promise of the two of them as kids. Then life happened. DH loves her though despite all her bad decisions through the years. She's his big sister and he's grateful he's not had her life. Keeping score and having expectations is the path to unhapppiness
Your sister isn't likely to change, nor your parents or your family dynamics. A pattern has been established. You sound like you don't need help from your parents and are independent. Be happy and grateful for the way you turned out. Life for your sister sounds sad and unless she changes, it will just become even sadder. Live a good life for yourself and let go of the things you can't change.
Unless you go through something like the OP did, you have no idea what it's like!
It wasn't my intention to minimize how much it hurts to have parents play obvious favorites with the younger kid. I was just hoping to let the OP know that too much leeway is often worse than too little. It sounds like (he?) is doing pretty well for himself and, either by design or happy accident his parents being tough on him has worked out well for him as an adult. The best revenge is living well.
And seriously, bailing out your sister isn't doing her favors in the long run. She clearly has problems associating actions with consequences (luckily she only got a DUI and didn't kill someone).
I understand what you, and others are saying. But isn't that quite different than paying for all the fines and legal fees that they get? I talked with my mother and she said they are going to pay the $860 it takes for my sister to get her license back as well as whatever it costs for her to have the breathlyer thing installed in her car for a year.
Be glad you are not that kid.
And maybe they feel guilty for raising such a pain in the butt child.
I would jokingly tell my mom " you raised me to be this way" when I messed up.
Do your own thing, try to leave the family dynamics behind. Good luck.
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Unless you go through something like the OP did, you have no idea what it's like!
