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There is another thing with this. When you date someone and the possibility of marriage is in the future, it becomes VERY important for the Step Parent and kids to come to some type of understanding and mutual respect BEFORE the marriage. I am old school. I think the future Step Parent needs to actually "ask permission" from the kid(s) to marry their mother/father. Whether the kid is 3 or 33. Technically, one doesn't need permission, but if they say no, prepare yourself for a miserable future with their mother, unless you and the kid(s) work better at your relationship for them to turn that no into a maybe into a "yes, I have no problem with you taking my mother/father's hand in marriage and I welcome you into our family".
That sounds sweet, but as the parent, I'm not giving that power to my children, grown or not. Why ask if you know they will say no?
If I have a difficult child with anger and drinking issues, there is absolutely NO WAY I would respect her opinion on my choice of a future mate. I don't think you could ever get her support.
Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but here goes.
I have been married to this man for 3 years. He and my adult daughter (32) do not get along. They are both headstrong and opinionated and luckily they don't have to see each other on a daily basis. They simply don't like each other. Last week we had a family gathering and after a little too much alcohol they both got into it again, this time over something stupid and unimportant. After everyone was gone my husband and I talked about the argument and he called her a... "[mod cut]" if you catch my drift. That is one word that I detest above all others and feel it is an insult that is reserved for truly despicable women. My daughter definitely does not deserve the term and I was shocked that he would call her that to my face!
He has never had children so his understanding of my relationship with my kids is based on his lack of experience. I cherish my children above all else. I'm not only surprised by his choice of insults but my reaction to it. It's been on my mind constantly and I'm seriously wondering if this is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. My daughter is not going anywhere, she will always be my daughter.
I'm trying to cool off but I can't stop thinking about it! He's forgotten it but I haven't. I'm not sure I can stay with a man that thinks that of my child and says such a thing. It breaks my heart. Am I overreacting or is this a deal breaker? I told a friend and she thinks I should let it go, my daughter is an adult with her own life and as long as she doesn't know, no problem. I'm still very defensive of my children though, regardless of their age. Should I just let it go? Would you?
Yep, the man was wrong (very wrong) to say that. However, maybe you want to sit down with your husband and daughter and focus on what is creating so much hate that it would come to this. A word is just a word no matter how vile. A bad relationship is a cancer and that is what you should really be concerned about.
Okay, I've read through all 15 pages of this thread and I have one question, OP- where is your former husband in all of this? As in, is your daughter's real father still in the picture? If so, what is her relationship like with him?
In short, some children do not accept a parent's new spouse, regardless of their ages. It doesn't seem to matter if the new spouse is the greatest person in the world because that person is just not THEIR PARENT and no amount of trying to get along is going to change that. Giving your children any amount of power over your own life and feelings is wrong, period. If a person is being destructive, that's a different matter. From what I could gather from your responses, you dated your newer husband for a year, got married and have now been married for 3 years- and your daughter is only civil to him when she's not drinking. A lot of people use drinking as an excuse to be a$$holes and let their true feelings fly.
Your daughter may very well feel as if you've replaced her real father and she is just never going to accept that.
Your husband may feel as if he will never be accepted by her as good enough to be part of the family.
Both of those scenarios are hard pills to swallow because the only people who can truly deal with them are the your daughter and your husband. You've done what you can to make them get along with each other- at this point it is up to them to get along for their own sake and yours.
Say your piece with both of them, privately, and tell each of them that you are done be a referee between them and they are required to actively try to get along. No more about THEIR feelings about all of this- they are putting you in the middle and having a pi$$ing contest to see who wins the prize- YOU and your approval.
Okay, I've read through all 15 pages of this thread and I have one question, OP- where is your former husband in all of this? As in, is your daughter's real father still in the picture? If so, what is her relationship like with him?
In short, some children do not accept a parent's new spouse, regardless of their ages. It doesn't seem to matter if the new spouse is the greatest person in the world because that person is just not THEIR PARENT and no amount of trying to get along is going to change that. Giving your children any amount of power over your own life and feelings is wrong, period. If a person is being destructive, that's a different matter. From what I could gather from your responses, you dated your newer husband for a year, got married and have now been married for 3 years- and your daughter is only civil to him when she's not drinking. A lot of people use drinking as an excuse to be a$$holes and let their true feelings fly.
Your daughter may very well feel as if you've replaced her real father and she is just never going to accept that.
Your husband may feel as if he will never be accepted by her as good enough to be part of the family.
Both of those scenarios are hard pills to swallow because the only people who can truly deal with them are the your daughter and your husband. You've done what you can to make them get along with each other- at this point it is up to them to get along for their own sake and yours.
Say your piece with both of them, privately, and tell each of them that you are done be a referee between them and they are required to actively try to get along. No more about THEIR feelings about all of this- they are putting you in the middle and having a pi$$ing contest to see who wins the prize- YOU and your approval.
That sounds sweet, but as the parent,I'm not giving that power to my children, grown or not. Why ask if you know they will say no?
If I have a difficult child with anger and drinking issues, there is absolutely NO WAY I would respect her opinion on my choice of a future mate. I don't think you could ever get her support.
Another excellent point. I just don't understand parents who hand over this type of power to their kids. I think as those kids grow up, then try to exert that type of power in their other relationships, conflicts ensue because they never learned how healthy relationships should work. Then the kids are set up for a lot of unhappiness.
I don't see how calling her that to her face would have helped the situation. I think it would have made it much worse, actually.
Also, we are not a bunch of drunks. Having some wine or a few beers doesn't necessarily deteriorate every social occasion or gathering, just when my husband and daughter seem to be involved.
Not clear on how I am being vindictive here, as you say. Perhaps you could elaborate? I haven't exacted any revenge on anyone. I'm struggling to keep the peace between them. I also know I need to take some very solid steps on making that happen. Keeping alcohol away from them both when they are together seems like the logical first step.
I don't feel I'm the one with bad manners here. I'm trying to work through a situation. I also know better than to argue with someone who's been drinking as there's no winning an argument with a drunk person.
So maybe a new rule...no alcohol when they are both present.
Yep, the man was wrong (very wrong) to say that. However, maybe you want to sit down with your husband and daughter and focus on what is creating so much hate that it would come to this. A word is just a word no matter how vile. A bad relationship is a cancer and that is what you should really be concerned about.
I know if my brother called my wife the c word..I'd be a lot less distressed about the word and alot more distressed about why...oddly in this thread the word was focused on rather than the root of the problem. I mean its one thing if he said it to the sisters face. This way its still wrong but clearly he has a major issue. that is what needs to be rooted out.
OK, thanks. I had trouble keeping track of who was a step-relative to whom. The whole familial scene sounds like we need a lot more background information.
You're welcome. Logically, shouldn't your next statement be: "I'd also wonder what kind of MOTHER raised sons who think it's fine to make off-color jokes at parties, etc..."
Or is there a double-standard where only men can be held responsible for what their adult sons say?
It was the INTENTION of the husband - it was his drunkenness, poor judgement, meanness, crassness, vulgarity, and character. To me, those are the real issues. I would not want someone "like that" around my children, no matter how old.
And he also disrespected you.
Do you respect HIM now, OP?
So this husband, who was verbally attacked (presumably in his own home) is 100% at fault and the 32 year old daughter (a guest) is 100% innocent?
What about the fact that SHE started the argument? If she was offended by the joke, why didn't she attack her own brother who told the joke? I think it's pretty obvious that his laughter at the joke was just an excuse for the daughter to start a fight WITH HIM!
What about HER "drunkenness, poor judgement, meanness, crassness, vulgarity, and character"? These aren't "real issues"?
The OP states that the two don't like each other. So why is he the only guilty party? I think he showed a lot of restraint by not calling her the "C-word" to her face.
Hate men much?
Last edited by Futuremauian; 07-29-2017 at 03:06 PM..
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That is one word that I detest above all others and feel it is an insult that is reserved for truly despicable women. My daughter definitely does not deserve the term and I was shocked that he would call her that to my face! 
