My husband called my adult daughter a...

[VoxTerra]

Originally Posted by blingding

I have to add that I have forgiven my husband. We have had some long talks over the weekend and I feel he is truly genuinely sorry for his choice of words and also for the fact that he has been unable to forge a relationship with my daughter. He really doesn't know what to do at this point. He's been frustrated for a long time.

There's obviously more to our family dynamic than I could ever explain. There's also more to my marriage than this one issue or word but it has been very eye opening for me to read all of the responses here. Some good advice some not, but I've kept an open mind when reading every reply. It has caused me to sit back and think rather than react quickly from an emotional standpoint and that is a good thing. I still have a lot of work to do.

This is great to read. I truly wish you the best and am glad you have kept an open mind.

[RMD3819]

Originally Posted by Futuremauian

I think this is an important point. Women don't seem to realize that men regularly use words like this when it's "just the guys", and trust me, they do!


So many jumped in to say GET RID OF HIM! You do realize that, statistically, the OP is likely to spend the rest of her life alone? Over a word? That he didn't even say to the daughter? Even though "the shoe fit"? Do you really think the daughter DIDN'T say some similar things about him afterwards? Perhaps she called him a "big meanie", but I doubt it since she gave him "the finger".

OP says she loves her husband yet she defends her daughter who doesn't like him for reasons as petty as he has "bad hair"? Yet the OP's sons like him!
Betcha the 32 year-old daughter is single, unhappy, and jealous (along with a number of responders here). Wants mom's undivided attention since she has no one. Mom feels guilty because she has "someone".

What a mess! OP, please tell us the rest of the story.

I agree with this. I am surprised that this exact word has generated so many extreme emotional responses. Apparently this word is so far over the boundary line for some there is no going back no matter what. I am betting if some other word was used there would not be so much emotion in the responses.

I do have a few questions for the OP-

When hubby and DD are arguing, is alcohol always involved, even in small amounts?

What do your sons think of all this? Do they even know the story?

OP, you can't control how other people behave. I think you have internalized this situation and are using it as a catalyst to change something that YOU can't change.

[John Rose]

Originally Posted by blingding

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but here goes.

I have been married to this man for 3 years. He and my adult daughter (32) do not get along. They are both headstrong and opinionated and luckily they don't have to see each other on a daily basis. They simply don't like each other. Last week we had a family gathering and after a little too much alcohol they both got into it again, this time over something stupid and unimportant. After everyone was gone my husband and I talked about the argument and he called her a... "[mod cut]" if you catch my drift. That is one word that I detest above all others and feel it is an insult that is reserved for truly despicable women. My daughter definitely does not deserve the term and I was shocked that he would call her that to my face!

He has never had children so his understanding of my relationship with my kids is based on his lack of experience. I cherish my children above all else. I'm not only surprised by his choice of insults but my reaction to it. It's been on my mind constantly and I'm seriously wondering if this is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. My daughter is not going anywhere, she will always be my daughter.

I'm trying to cool off but I can't stop thinking about it! He's forgotten it but I haven't. I'm not sure I can stay with a man that thinks that of my child and says such a thing. It breaks my heart. Am I overreacting or is this a deal breaker? I told a friend and she thinks I should let it go, my daughter is an adult with her own life and as long as she doesn't know, no problem. I'm still very defensive of my children though, regardless of their age. Should I just let it go? Would you?

Originally Posted by blingding

Just to clarify, he called her that to me, after she had left. He and I were discussing their argument after the evening was over. Neither was right and both behaved badly, imo.

His comment to me was "I'm sorry but your daughter is a -----"

He had been drinking but wasn't to the point he didn't know what he was saying. I got very angry and told him I never wanted to hear him say that word again, especially about my daughter and if he ever used that term in regards to her again I couldn't promise him that things with us wouldn't change. He apologized and forgot about it. I've been stewing ever since.

I would be lying if I said it hasn't changed something in me. How can I be with someone who has such disdain for my child? Not sure if I'm still too defensive about it and being overly emotional or if there is something there I need to worry about. He's never called her a name to her face but he has in the past told me he thinks she's spoiled and bossy. It's the first time he's used [that] word.

I would recommend that you have a calm, rational discussion with BOTH your husband and your daughter. I think you should talk with your husband first. I wouldn't directly bring up the name he called her since you already called him on it on the spot when it happened, plus it's a manifestation of a larger, ongoing problem rather than just an isolated incident. I think you should tell him that you're not taking sides and that you love both him and your daughter and don't want to pick a side, you just want them to stop the behavior and tell them how pointless it is and how distressing it is to you and the rest of the family.

Have a similar talk with your daughter, but just tailor it a little bit to fit her individual personality and what she responds best to. You know your daughter, so I'm sure you'll figure out how best to tell her. You can tell them that they're BOTH headstrong and opinionated and that there are parts of that that you love about them, but they should recognize the pitfalls of that and learn how to avoid triggering it. Tell them that you love them both and that they only have to spend so much time together, so no sense in ruining it when they have the rest of their lives to live happily apart. Good luck.

[Where2now22]

OP I was in the same circumstance, but I was the child(teenager). My mother took my step father's side though. I was shocked and devastated. I moved in with my father and I did not talk to my mother for 20+ years. A few years ago, we were reunited though, because he passed away. I called my mother out of the blue, because my sister said that my mother was aging fast and she kept repeating my name. That call to my mother almost killed her, she literally lost control of all of her emotions. I know she regrets that decision from many years ago, so we agreed to never talk about it. Even as I type this note, I am saddened by her pain, missing me. Good news, we talk every week and I am happy that it's over.

All step parents should know to be careful when enaging the spouses child. When a spouse disregards that, i wonder why the disrespect. I guess the question is the husband worth it? My opinion is simple, unless your child is totally off the reservation, i would talk with your daughter to understand the why, what, etc...because Blood is blood. Sorry Mr. Husband...3 years does not overcome a lifetime.

[Workin_Hard]

Originally Posted by RMD3819

Apparently this word is so far over the boundary line for some there is no going back no matter what.

I save this term to describe women who put on makeup while driving, particularly when they're doing so while sitting stopped at a green light. Boundary line, indeed!