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It's a word. Pretty sure if we start combing through words people said it would be trivial to point to some nasty things everyone said in a moment of anger. Words have no meaning unless you let them. The focus shouldn't just be on the word, that is the easy thing. No it wasn't nice, probably not best to be repeated but there is a bigger problem.
You never mention anything about who started the argument, if your daughter or your husband are the initiators or if either one of them are acting inappropriately to the other.
Usually combative engagements between folks like that have a source, one person tends to be a pitbull and constantly antagonizes the other with snide comments and never lets anything go. Not everyone will go into the fetal position and take it and not everyone appreciates being in that situation.
So who is it causing the issue? What have you done to stop it?
From what you wrote you seem to be on your daughter's side of things just based on you never mentioning trying to intervene, glossing over the real culprit of the problem and framing your husband as a bad guy because he called her a naughty word after being attacked by her. You allude that this is a constant problem when they are together but are careful to gloss over the initiator and never mention to culprit that starts this mess and pushes on and on.
Is this a situation where your baby girl can do no wrong and she is constantly nipping at the guys heels? You compensating for a bad marriage previously? Maybe she deserved to be called that if she is constantly hammering your new spouse. Just because she is your daughter and you put a mental crown on her head each morning doesn't mean she can't be a little witch.
Then again, is your husband the type to constantly bicker with everyone over anything? Maybe he torments your daughter like he was an over bearing step dad never giving her peace? Contantly telling her how she is doing stuff wrong? Maybe he treats you badly and your daughter tries to nip at his heels in response? Then again, he might be the cu next Tuesday.
Something is happening here and there is FAR MORE to the story then you posted in your OP. People generally just don't go around calling people that although sometimes people say stuff in anger. No reason to crucify someone over a stupid word when you might have done far more harm than any word by allowing this crap to continue on and and on. People will tend to gravitate to the bad word because it is easier to say "OMG he called her that, so bad!" without looking any further into what the problem actually is.
I'd guess there is much more going on and that you share some blame in the endless bickering between your spouse and your child. Easier to just look at the big C word though.
If you want some real help you'll need to post a lot more honest info other than my spouse said a bad word about my princess.
This- also, you love your daughter, but might need to take a step back, because her behavior has caused this reaction in him for some reason. Why does she dislike him?
OP, I have read all of the comments. I am sorry that this situation is occurring in your family, and I am sure it is very distressing for you. It does concern me that you are considering ending your marriage over your husband's poor choice of words.
I tried to put it into context for myself (I have sons, no daughter) and how I would feel if a new husband told me one of my sons were (fill in the blank).....I think I would be upset, perhaps shocked, and might get defensive immediately and also call him on it. But it sounds like you did indicate your outrage and he did apologize. And it does sound like he has reason to feel as equally upset with your daughter.
You stated that you love your husband. I would imagine he spoke as he did out of both anger and frustration. I also wonder if the word he used has the same degree of loathing for him as for you....and I doubt seriously that he in any way meant to disparage you. I think the better course of action may be to ignore the word he used (after all, he did apologize) and instead try to focus on the interaction between him and your daughter. Could you brainstorm with him a way that he might better defuse the situation the next time? Could you agree on a course of action he might try? (for instance, not to engage but instead walk out of the room). I would think he would feel so much better to know you are trying not to "take sides" in this situation and do, indeed, care enough about him to evaluate it in an impartial manner.
Your daughter should not be considered blameless (and it sounds like you are well aware of her contributions to this on-going conflict) and the same type of discussion between the two of you may help. Is there something in particular that really triggers an outburst? Does she think he is misogynistic, for example? She is an adult and also needs to learn to curb her behavior.
Lastly, other posters have mentioned that both should consider your feelings and how the battles affect you. I am assuming that both love you. Let them know, without accusation, that it would mean a great deal if they could find ways of interacting in a more considerate manner. Are there particular topics they might agree to avoid? Would it work to have a code word to use when talk becomes heated, so as to end the conversation without hard feelings?
Please try not to over emphasize the name used by your husband, as that will not help anyone in the family. If you do love both of them, it is worthwhile to try to find a way of easing the tensions, without taking the extreme step of divorce. I wish you good luck with them both.
Sobriety does NOT end animosity. In fact, getting sober without dealing with animosity can make things much, much worse. And not everyone who drinks has a drinking problem. It is likely that alcohol fueled the situation, and there MAY be a problem. But there is no way to know if there is from the information presented. And just not drinking will not make husband & daughter get along better.
Heh. Yeah, I have to admit I've drunk my way through a few contentious family occasions as a way of tuning out the static. But I'm a happy drunk, on the rare occasion that I do drink more than a glass or two. I just feel like everyone's my friend, then fall asleep. Sounds like daughter and husband are more on the feisty side.
Without alcohol people may be able to better control themselves, but just cutting out the booze doesn't address the underlying animosity. In vino veritas and all that.
I think the better course of action may be to ignore the word he used (after all, he did apologize) and instead try to focus on the interaction between him and your daughter. Could you brainstorm with him a way that he might better defuse the situation the next time? Could you agree on a course of action he might try? (for instance, not to engage but instead walk out of the room). I would think he would feel so much better to know you are trying not to "take sides" in this situation and do, indeed, care enough about him to evaluate it in an impartial manner.
Your daughter should not be considered blameless (and it sounds like you are well aware of her contributions to this on-going conflict) and the same type of discussion between the two of you may help. Is there something in particular that really triggers an outburst? Does she think he is misogynistic, for example? She is an adult and also needs to learn to curb her behavior.
Lastly, other posters have mentioned that both should consider your feelings and how the battles affect you. I am assuming that both love you. Let them know, without accusation, that it would mean a great deal if they could find ways of interacting in a more considerate manner. Are there particular topics they might agree to avoid? Would it work to have a code word to use when talk becomes heated, so as to end the conversation without hard feelings?
Please try not to over emphasize the name used by your husband, as that will not help anyone in the family. If you do love both of them, it is worthwhile to try to find a way of easing the tensions, without taking the extreme step of divorce. I wish you good luck with them both.
Are you kidding?
ANYONE, male or female, who uses that disgusting"C" word, whether drunk or sober—for any reason whatsoever—is vile. How does it even enter the brain of someone to call a woman that?
It's the type of thing that once said alerts me to the extremely poor and misogynistic character of the person saying it. There is no take-back or apology that is acceptable. People don't blurt out things like that without having some inner core belief that some people deserve to be called that.
So if I understand it correctly - the daughter's brothers and step-dad were making gross jokes, and she got upset. So the step dad called her the c-word.
And the daughter is the problem?
Sounds like the men in the family are crass and the daughter doesn't like it. Which makes her the bad guy in the family, even according to her mom.
The OP suggests that her daughter gives as much as she gets, which may be true. She probably shouldn't let the stepdad push her buttons so much. Especially if her stepdad likes it so much, which I'm thinking he does, if he thinks he can throw around insults like that to his stepdaughter's mom, then say "sorry", and it's all cool. Will it be cool next time? If I was the stepdaughter, I'd be gone from family gatherings. Visit with mom alone, perhaps. Sounds like she needs support - married to a guy who can't hold his alcohol, gives people the finger, calls women disgusting things, and thinks it's all funny. Yikes, what a prize.
Ok it is a gross word... but he didn't say it to her face at least...saying it behind her back seems a bit better. However he did say it to her mother...i have heard men refer to women they despise in this manner. It makes me cringe and just sounds uneducated. Like really you couldn't think of anything else to say? It's an angry word so clearly your husband has a lot of anger towards your daughter.
Get to the meat of the matter. As my therapist said to me once, when someone labels you a defamatory name, realize that you are no more that then you are a duck. Are you a duck? Get to the center of the concern, His inner angst. What is really bothering him? His pride? His superiorness? Remove the label and open the can of worms and let it spill out. Usually the person simply cannot express their inner trueness ...so they label the person. This shortcut ,cuts into many relationships.
Don't get me wrong, I have worked with a lady that one day out flew the B word. Sometimes words fly out and beneath it lays the truth...our discontent with their behavior or attitude. Discuss.
OK, wait, could we back up a little? Your husband and your daughter had both been drinking, and got into an argument with each other, a heated one, in front of guests? They subjected guests to that? If I'd been one of your guests, I'd never attend one of your parties again. There's nothing worse at a party than one or more guests falling under the influence of alcohol, and getting out of control, picking a fight and getting loud and unruly. Ugh!
Or did I get the scenario wrong? Please clarify, OP.
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