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There is nothing abusive or neglectful about not giving your kids grandparents who are total pieces of crap.
Don't let them guilt you into this with their stupid song and dance. Grandparents are only worth having if they are people worth being around.
I see so many threads on this forum about really crappy people who are grandparents and people saying, "Well, I do not want my kids to be not having grandparents" and it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
People need to do a lot better job of policing what kind of people are in their lives and what kind of people are in their children's lives. And just being blood related does not give you some kind of pass to being an ahole.
Do your children know your story? Did you and your grandmother who raised you ever talk about why you lived with her and not your parents?
I agree with the person who said that you should write the whole story of your life. I'm sorry your grandmother has passed, but you might be surprised if you interviewed/talked to your parents, separately. Be honest about your feelings and ask for the same in return. You might not like what you hear but I believe it would help you to work through your feelings.
Don't wait too long. I wish I had asked questions before it was too late.
My story is not as dramatic as yours but I did find that it was easier to connect with my siblings after the parents were gone.
Good luck.
Our children know about my wife's parents (died when she was very young in a car accident) and they know that I'm estranged from mine. We haven't explained every single detail regarding my parents - we feel they are too young for that right now. But as soon as they are old enough to comprehend everything, we will tell them. They deserve to know.
Oh wow, that is awful what your parents did. Thankfully, they gave you to a family member. I agree with most everyone here that you are a great father and to not let your triplets anywhere near your parents. Now your brothers, are a bit different...it wasn't their fault what happened so if you are thinking about allowing your kids to visit with your brothers, then I would agree with that but all in all, it's your decision. Thanks for sharing.
Yes, I do my brothers are the innocent parties in this. Unfortunately, with everything that has happened, we have never established a relationship. I have friends in the US I consider as brothers more than my flesh and blood. It hurts to say this but it is the truth.
My mother did not have a good relationship with her parents, and consequently we children never did, either. In my situation, my father was divorced and remarried my mother, so us children were all going to hell because my parents were committing adultery. I think I met them maybe 4 times in my life. I would have liked to make a decision about them for myself, but never had the chance. My mother and I don't have a great relationship, especially since she divorced my father 6 years ago and complained that she only married him because she was pregnant with me. It still hurts me and makes me angry. However, I put that aside for my daughter. She is 9 now and loves her grandmother very much and they have a great relationship.
I don't understand what life was like back then for your parents, but it sounds like they regret their decisions. If I were in your shoes, I'd consider meeting them somewhere for lunch with your family so it's on neutral territory and you can leave if things get unpleasant. Kids are resilient - if your parents end up being racist aholes, then after you leave you can explain to the kids why you don't have a relationship with your parents. I think they will understand. And if the meeting goes well, then your kids now have a chance to form a relationship with people who love them.
ETA: It's of course ultimately your call, and you should do what you think is best.
I get the feeling that my mother, deep down, does truly regret the decision. My dad, however? Nah. Not after what he said to me. He's a self-serving narcissist.
I’m from South Africa (but live and work in the States). My father is white, and my mother is mixed (half black/half white). Despite my mother being half black, she’s very pale and her facial features are predominantly European, so she passes off as being white.
My parents got together in the 80s, when Apartheid was still going on. In order to make things easier for themselves, they passed my mom off as fully white (since she looked it) and it worked. There were no social repercussions for them. However, that lie was blown wide open when I was born.
My parents are intelligent people, but I do wonder where those brains went when they conceived me. On a genetic level, I’m mostly white (since my dad is fully white and my mom is half white) and they naively thought that would automatically translate to my appearance. Something that was exacerbated by my mother’s appearance. I can’t believe they were so naïve and didn’t take into consideration how complex human DNA is. How many variables it contains.
I was born with brown skin – I look more black than white. It was something they weren’t expecting. They thought I’d turn out like my mother. In order to avoid the shame, they gave me to my grandmother (my mother’s mom) as a baby and she raised me all the way to adulthood. God bless her late soul. She’s the woman I consider to be my real mother. I could never repay the love and care she showed me. My wife and I decided to name our daughter after her.
My parents continued to play the genetic lottery by having two more kids after me. They won in both cases. I have two younger brothers, who have pale skin and European features like my mom. They kept them. As far people in their social circles know, my parents have two sons, not three.
My parents and two younger brothers would visit me and my grandmother sometimes. I hated it when they visited. Made me feel terribly ashamed. And I get the feeling they felt the same – that they did it not out of a need to see me, but some kind of moral obligation. I’m 35 now but I still shudder when I think about those days. My own parents and siblings are absolute strangers to me – my relationship with them is non-existent.
I have a wonderful set of triplets – two boys and one girl. They are my world. Words can't explain how much I love them. They are 10 years old. I’m currently on vacation with my family. We’re back in South Africa. My parents found out from my uncle that I was back in the country. They have never met my wife and kids. I met my parents on my own last week. I showed them photographs of my family on my phone.
They said they wanted to meet the triplets but I flat out refused. I told them the truth – I don’t trust them being around my children at all. Especially with the triplets being of varying skin tones. I can't risk any semblance of colorism being introduced them by my parents. And yes, I do think they are capable of that - perhaps not in an overly aggressive sense, but definitely in a subtle, ignorant and "don't know the impact of their words" way.
My mother shed tears, saying she was sorry for everything that happened and that if she could wind back the clock, she would do things differently. My dad also said he was sorry, but he said I’m being a bad father by depriving the kids of grandparents (my wife grew up an orphan, so there are no grandparents on her side either). He said "they deserve grandparents."
Have you considered that mabye your dad is not your real dad? That might explain why your skin is darker than them but your siblings are lighter.
I have read enough of this thread to get the gist of the story and the expected public response. I don't particularly have an opinion as I do not know the entire facts of a story that I would presume has many facets and layers to it beyond "parents had a dark kid and disowned him but the kid now has grown to own his redemption..."
August Landmesser is the man famously known for that picture where a huge mass of Nazi members are saluting Hitler while he sits singularly amongst the crowd with his arms folded. He was a German Nazi who was in love with a Jewish woman named Irma Eckler and planned to marry her. He had joined the Nazi Party during the mid '30s to help himself get a job - basically he was acting as a normal and typical human being in this thing we call life.
The famous picture was taken in 1936, and it is apparent now that by that time Landmesser was already trying to figure out how to get the hell out of Dodge without getting himself or his loved ones hurt. He and his pregnant "wife" were attempting to flee Germany in 1937 but were apprehended. The Nazis gave Landmesser and Eckler an out if they ended their very public relationship but they spurned it by continuing to publicly maintain it.
To make a long story short, Eckler was sent from one concentration camp to another and ended up dying there. Landmesser was imprisoned in various manners but ultimately was sent to die in the front lines of a penal artillery unit.
As for the two daughters that the couple had, the first was allowed to be raised by her maternal grandmother until she passed when the girl was about 12. She ended up in the foster children program after that which was the fate of the younger daughter from her early years.
Most people probably respond quickly and confidently that they wouldn't under any circumstance waver under crushing institutional and societal pressure and hold firm to their personal ethos and conviction. "I don't care what they say or do, I am a STRONG individual!"
I am no different: I would like to think that I would have acted with the grace and manner of Landmesser but a bit more clever about it in order to keep myself and my family alive and together. But the reality is that that is tantamount to having your cake and eating too - it's unrealistic. In the eyes of human history Landmesser acted with nobility: In pragmatic terms, however, he sent himself, his wife and their two daughters to death or a life of misery.
I don't know what the details of the OP's story are. I'm fairly certain that the OP doesn't know them either. I have no idea if the OPs parents are in any way noble human beings. I have no idea if the OPs parents actually made graceful decisions under the extremely difficult situations.
What does seem fair to surmise, however, is that the OP did seem to have lived a decent life and has children with a bright future ahead them. Life is a complicated thing.
My mother shed tears, saying she was sorry for everything that happened and that if she could wind back the clock, she would do things differently.
My dad also said he was sorry, but he said I’m being a bad father by depriving the kids of grandparents (my wife grew up an orphan, so there are no grandparents on her side either). He said "they deserve grandparents."
You know what your kids deserve more than grandparents? They deserve a parent who protects them from people like their grandparents.
You know your parents better than we do, and you seem to think they are still capable of making your children feel bad, even if inadvertently. Your dad, even now is trying to shamelessly manipulate you, so that doesn't inspire much faith.
You don't owe your parents a darn thing after what they did, but you owe your children protection.
Now if you decide that you want a relationship with your parents for your own sake, that's different. You'll just have to set boundaries to make sure your children aren't made to feel less than within their own family.
I get the feeling that my mother, deep down, does truly regret the decision. My dad, however? Nah. Not after what he said to me. He's a self-serving narcissist.
You wrote earlier that the mom had regrets and she would have done it differently given a second chance. I'm not buying it. She could have undone her horrible decision by getting you back every time she dropped your brothers off when they visited - every.singe.time. It's not like you were adopted by a stranger who would have not let you go. She could have set everything straight every single day after apartheid ended by getting you back.
Save your kids from your parents. And even more save yourself from your parents.
Um, yeah, I just saw that apartheid ended in 1991 (I really forgot how long ago it was). I was still in high school, and I'm FORTY now. They've had over 25 years to reach out and they're just doing it now? Um, no. Just no.
I'm pretty sure the OP is younger than me, so that means he was still a kid when it ended. They had plenty of time to swoop in and re-establish a relationship before now. Hell, social media has been connecting people globally for about a decade now, so they had the means to do it.
My feelings on this are not printable under C-D's rules of conduct.
Yes, after Apartheid ended, the "relationship" I had with them remained the same. They would come to see me here and there.
I'm curious, because I really don't know all that much about South Africa and apartheid.
What would your parents have had to give up to keep you in the home? In some eras in history, babies were sometimes smothered to death because their presence would cause such harm to the family. (In cases where the birth mother would forever be rejected by society for having an out of wedlock baby, and in cases where the family has to remain silent and hidden as in the case of Jews hiding in attics while the house is being searches by Nazis, or when the presence of one more mouth to feed would cause the existing children to possible starve to death, for examples).
Society can be brutally cruel. Do you know, specifically, what your parents would have had to give up if they kept and raised you instead of giving you over to a loving grandmother?
I think you're right in rejecting them from your children's lives. But I also think you might have more peace about what happened to you if you maybe understood what they would have had to sacrifice if they raised you.
Best wishes with moving on, and raising your beloved triplets.
The repercusssions, as I understand, were mostly social and financial. My grandmother sat me down and thoroughly explained everything to me when I was old enough to comprehend it all. My father comes from money. When I was born and the truth came out, his family threatened to cut him off financially (and out of the inheritance) if they didn't give me up. Plus, their social standing would've significantly decreased because they had a black child.
Secondly, during that period, interracial relationships were toxic in South African society. Absolutely explosive in how they were perceived and how people reacted to them. One of my friends was born to a black South African father and a white Swiss mother. They were once attacked in the street just for walking side by side. They emigrated to Switzerland shortly after.
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