What should I do about my adult daughter who won't pay rent, do chores or get out? (teens, girl)
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From the OP's first post, it doesn't sound like the daughter is paying rent.
I would hold a family meeting, reiterate what the house rules are and ask her what she is willing to do. If the answer is none of the above, she will have to move out asap. She can go live with her friends or the other relatives who don't agree with her parents rules. The house belongs to her parents and it is they who make the rules. And yes, if she doesn't want to pay rent or do chores, her access to the services that the rent provides should be cut off.
She is no longer a child who should be dependent on her parents for everything. It's time for her to learn that when you are an adult, there is no magic fairy that comes to you providing you with rent, food, clean clothes, etc. If she'll want these things, she'll have to find a way to pay for them. It's not always joyful to have to do chores but they do have to get done.
Shame on parents who won't support their children, and shame on those who support this sort of behavior. It was the parents' choice to have children. Responsibility doesn't end just because of a law.
My husband and I have four kids, aged 12, 16, 19 & 21. Both the older kids moved out at 18, and back pretty soon after. The deal for all the kids is once you're 18 you can go to school full time and pay no rent, go to school part time and pay half rent, or work and pay "full rent." Full rent is $400 per month with $200 going towards household bills and $200 going into a savings account that they can access for purchasing a car or when they move out as a down payment. Their $200 share of the bills covers everything, food, rent, cable, WiFi, cell phone bill, Etc. About a month ago we had a blow up with our 19 yo daughter where she said she hated living at the house and wanted to move out. We agreed that it would be a good idea because there had been so much static with her not wanting to pay anything or do the one chore a day that we ask of everyone (chores rotate but include tidying up the living room, taking out the trash, doing dishes). We gave her a month to find a place to live and get moved, we returned the small amount of money she had saved up to her. For the last month she did nothing around the house and now the first rolls around in a couple of days and she has no plans to leave. It is creating so much friction around the home. She thinks we are being tyrants by charging her rent and asking her to do a chore when she is an adult. But her 21 year old brother has saved up $3,800 by living here the past couple of years and he never had a problem. It doesn't seem fair to him for her to not have to live by the same rules, and I don't want to set a bad precedent for the younger boys. She says that all of her friends live for free and that all of our family members think we are horrible people for threatening to kick her out. What advice would you give me? I am aware that I can go through an eviction process, but that is really the last resort. We really don't want to destroy the relationship if it can be helped.
I think you've already given her an option to live home for free, go to college. So does she have a job? If so is there a future in it? What "services" is she getting from the rent she isn't paying? Who does her laundry, does she get transportation, who pays for her cell phone, are her favorite foods in the fridge? Have her go out and do some apartment hunting, tell her to find shelter and utilities for $400/month (and of course she won't get half of it back when she grows up).
Of course you love your kids unconditionally, and it helps to always remind them of that, but you are their parent and you know what they need to be a successful adult, sometimes those lessons are tough. A little tough love probably wouldn't hurt at this point, sounds like the other kids are mature enough to get it.
Shame on parents who won't support their children, and shame on those who support this sort of behavior. It was the parents' choice to have children. Responsibility doesn't end just because of a law.
The OP didn't say she didn't support her kids, they just offered them options to continue to grow and stay at home, or leave and begin life on their own. Their responsibility as parents is to prepare them for adult life.
Shame on parents who won't support their children, and shame on those who support this sort of behavior. It was the parents' choice to have children. Responsibility doesn't end just because of a law.
Once you're 18, you're a legal adult not a child. In our house, once you're 18 and finished with high school, adulting begins. Don't like it? Tough. That's life. Once high school is over, find a summer job and plan on attending college in the fall or else find a full time job. If you're a full time student, you can live in our house rent free however, you will have bills to pay - cell phone, insurance, etc. If you're not a full time student, rent starts at $500 a month. Meals are not included. Meals are extra.
When do you stop financially supporting your children? I know my grandmother did this until she died in her late 80's. She died with over $25K in debt from a few of her children....not all of them. So when does this end? When you're 85 and dead? That's RIDICULOUS!
Throw her out into the street and let her grow up!
Great plan!!!.....well....that is, until she winds up turning tricks on a street corner for money or whoring around to get some shelter ( or, worst case....raped and dead somewhere).
But forgetting that, it is a parent's job to make their kids' lives hell so they move out when appropriate - time to kick her out of the nest if she's not following the rules.
Any dude worth his weight in salt wouldn't let an uneducated, unemployed, broke girlfriend move in with him unless he was receiving a steady stream of sex, and even that isn't enough to keep the relationship after awhile.
Luckily enough for her, there are enough streams of sex starved men out there that she could theoretically go from living with man to man in different places for several years...Until she gets old and her beauty fades...Not really what a parent wants to see a daughter do with her life
Shame on parents who won't support their children, and shame on those who support this sort of behavior. It was the parents' choice to have children. Responsibility doesn't end just because of a law.
Nobody is saying an 18 year-old should be tossed out on the street, but any "child" who is a legal adult living at home should absolutely be required to pay rent and contribute to the upkeep of the house.
Shame on parents who won't support their children, and shame on those who support this sort of behavior. It was the parents' choice to have children. Responsibility doesn't end just because of a law.
So -- exactly when DOES the responsibility end? The "child" has been supported her entire life. Parents are trying to ease her way into adulthood, but the daughter is having none of it -- no work, no school, no chores -- basically, she's drifting through life. So, if a child rejects the parents' support -- what is a parent to do?
My sister & I are only 20 months apart but parenting us must have been like parenting the young of two seperate species.
Starting from about the age of 8; I must have been told "When it's your house; you can do things the way that you want ..." at least once a day by my mom. I opposed her on almost everything: How much tv could be watched. How often the bathroom was scrubbed. What the thermostat was set to. Curtains open vs curtains shut...
My sister never got told that.
I decided that my mom & my sister must be exactly alike because my sister was so agreeable with everything. My dad laughed at me when I told him so & said: "Are you kidding? You are exactly like your mom! not because you like the same things but because you both like it your way!"
I ended up leaving home at 16 & I swear the thermostat setting had a lot to do with it. Mom insisted on 68 degrees ALWAYS & I was always freezing. Arguments would ensue:
Mom:"Who set the thermostat to 80?!"
Me:"I don't know; ask Elaine!"
Elaine: "Coschristi did it!"
Mom: I knew it! When it's your house ..."
Me: "No I didn't!"
Elaine: "I saw you!"
Me; "That ... was an accident! I accidentally BUMPED it!"
Mom: "When it's your house ..."
Me: " Yes. I know. I can do it my way! And I WILL because I won't let MY kids freeze to death!"
So; I did. I left home because I had to do everything MY way. And I turned the thermostat up to 80 whenever I wanted to.
I had been on my own a whole 7 months when my utility bill got so high I couldn't pay it. So my utilities got shut off & I had to call customer service. Guess who was manager of customer service for the entire city utilities?
My dad.
So, yeah; no use in trying to hide that one. But; my point is that for some of us know-it-all daughters; a little discomfort can go a long way & nobody has to die & the world does not end just because your kid has to learn things the hard way.
Parents can be like that too!
kid would complain it's too cold. Mom hands her a sweater
.
30 years later...
Mom is visiting "kid" at her place and complains it's too cold. "Kid" hands her a sweater.
.
Moral of the story... heat is costly!
At a house party in DC, during the winter, the hostess flatly said "no" to a guest who asked if the heat could be turned up. Hostess said that would jack up her heating bill by about a hundred dollars.
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