Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Well, she chose to have the kid and keep the kid - as is her right. She had several other major options: 1. to terminate the pregnancy or 2. adopt the kid out, but she chose to have and keep the kid. Did she ask his opinion about any of these decisions or was keeping the kid her idea entirely? Since he left, we assume she didn't. Also, she ditched him before she knew she was pregnant, so why does she want him back now? If it wasn't a good idea then, it's probably not a good idea now. Having a kid is a lot of stress and struggle, adding in a poor relationship on top of it isn't gonna make it easier.
By not using a condom, he engendered it, so he gets to pay child support unless the kid is adopted by someone else. That's pretty much the minimum he can do, as a basic human being, it would be nice if he'd interact with the kid on some level. But if he's not good enough to be in a relationship with the mother (although she seems to have changed her mind, I'm suspecting she's finding out how unending of a grind babies can be) then he may not be a good father figure, either.
They each have a responsibility to the kid but not necessarily to each other. IMHO, they've both made some poor life choices and I don't see as to how getting together as a couple unless they both want to and are suited to each other is going to improve things.
Did he move to Maui to get away from her? Is all your intel coming just from her or have you heard matching stories from some of her other friends? It's not all adding up to what seems like a true story, I'm suspecting there's some fabrication there as well as drama, considering your concerns about the matter.
Basically, if you want to help, I'd suspect helping with baby care and listening to whatever stories she comes up with may be about the only things you can do. If she doesn't have family nearby, she's gonna be overwhelmed with being a single parent and will need all the baby care help she can get. Which may be why she wants to 'reconcile' with the guy she broke up with.
We don't know enough to have any idea as to why he's left, but he obviously doesn't want to have anything to do with either her or the baby. He knew she was pregnant when he left? If so, then if she's waiting for him to 'reconcile' with her is a sheer pipe dream. I'd guess child support is about all she can hope for at this point. Hoping for anything else will just drain her emotionally so if you could point her in another direction, that may be useful.
Why are internet users so darn critical of other people? It's in the Maui thread because it's happening in Maui and whether you like it or not, Maui is different than the mainland and there for will elicit a different response.
Second of all, this man told her he loved her, wanted to have a family, wanted to move in together and so that's what happened. SHE allowed him to move in with her. And whether or not it was irresponsible or on the f*n point by PROPER PLANNING, that's IRRELEVANT. I asked how YOU WOULD RESPOND OR HOW SHOULD SHE...AFTER THE FACTS? Not the nth degree based on what they would have done PRIOR TO GETTING PREGNANT OR WHETHER OR NOT IT HAPPENED IN A MONTH.
I'm tired of seeing people take a post and turn it into a melting pot of topics that are off base and dragged on without a proper response.
The thread was started anyway to elicit HOW people might react in that situation.
Lighten up folks. There's no need to personally attack HER or her character, integrity and sexual decisions. Because if you KNEW the entire situation from A-Z you wouldn't be defending this man.
She has no problem raising this child on her own - let's not go there. She simply wants him to acknowledge their child instead of hauling a$$.. She left him because he was irresponsible and mistreating her and her home.
Second of all he didn't move to Maui to get away from her. You all seem to have that part backwards. SHE LEFT HIM. They both live in Maui.
And accidental pregnancies happen all the time. We no longer live in a world where things are planned for or can be planned for and even if they were, things don't always go according to plan. Lastly, whoever posted the statistics earlier of not getting pregnant using a condom needs some awareness. If condoms were 100% effective it would say just so. Nothing is EVER 100%.
You asked for opinions. The bare bones of the story is, they knew each other for a month, and didn't use birth control well enough to avoid getting pregnant -- again, THE most life-changing thing that can happen.
Yes, the guy sounds like a jerk, from the one-sided version we have gotten from you. I already said she needs a paternity test so she can at least get him to take financial responsibility for this "accident." So that is something she CAN do, despite what I think were really incredibly irresponsible decisions -- even if you are angry that I call them that. (Do YOU think these were responsible decisions?) Nowhere did I "defend the man" -- I think both of them were equally irresponsible.
But please tell me why an unplanned pregnancy is somehow different in Maui than elsewhere? This is a RELATIONSHIP issue, not a MAUI issue.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mauijem
... And accidental pregnancies happen all the time. We no longer live in a world where things are planned for or can be planned for and even if they were, things don't always go according to plan. Lastly, whoever posted the statistics earlier of not getting pregnant using a condom needs some awareness. If condoms were 100% effective it would say just so. Nothing is EVER 100%.
Don't know if that refers to my post, but if it does, you misread what I wrote. I said if SHE was on birth control AND they used a condom -- which would be a smart thing to do if you know someone for a month -- then the chances of her getting pregnant are just about zero. It is EXTREMELY unlikely that BOTH methods would fail at the same time.
But "we no longer live in a world where things can be planned for"? Seriously? Abstinence works in preventing pregnancy (NOT that I think that is necessary for responsible adults), as does using more than 1 form of birth control correctly and consistently. So yes, pregnancies CAN be planned for. Why on earth would you NOT plan for THE most life-changing thing you can do???
Last edited by karen_in_nh_2012; 09-14-2017 at 02:38 PM..
Reason: respond to OP
I asked how YOU WOULD RESPOND OR HOW SHOULD SHE...
She has no problem raising this child on her own - let's not go there.
She left him because he was irresponsible and mistreating her and her home.
Second of all he didn't move to Maui to get away from her. SHE LEFT HIM. They both live in Maui.
OK ... so they had a baby together and then she left him. And you say he is irresponsible and mistreating her. And that she can raise the baby on her own.
Great. My recommendation is for her to walk away. If she left him and he was mistreating her, then she's better off without him and she should just walk away from him and raise the child on her own. Which you tell us she is able to do.
So what's the point here. If she expects something more from him she's just going to be disappointed.
And lastly, this is a relationship issue .. it is not a Hawaii issue.
Honestly, this thread is a trainwreck. Just writing my response felt like I was in the middle of a Maury Povich episode. But I'm O.K. hopping onboard and riding it for awhile.
I'm having a hard time consoling my friend and want to know how to be there for her. This is a terrible thing for him to do ...they both need to start over and give it a shot, right?
Okay, Mauijem, you asked how WE would react to this situation, and we've reacted based on what you've told us. I'm still not sure what it is that you want us to say.
You asked -- "what should she do" and "what should she say"? It looks like from what you've written that she's said and done all that she can do at this point. It's pretty apparent from your responses that she wants to keep the baby and is quite able to do so on her own.
You also want to know if you should tell your friend to "give it a shot". You've stated that the sperm donor was mistreating your friend and has completely blocked all contact, so why would we agree that they "start over and give it a shot"?
Hotzcatz gave excellent advice (as usual). Sounds like your friend has made her own decisions and just needs you there to give a helping hand to a new Mom.
Well, she WANTS him to acknowledge the child. She probably wanted him to be the perfect boyfriend, and wanted him to be responsible, and wanted him to treat her well, and probably wanted to prevent this pregnancy.
I think what she has to do is get over her wants, realize maturely that wanting something isn't going to make it so, and focus on what IS.
And yeah, what happened before does factor into it. It's hard for me to imagine someone moving in with someone after a month of dating and getting pregnant by them. I think now that she hopefully realizes that was a really bad choice, she learns and moves forward making better ones.
I'm not attacking her. You asked what she should do now. She should learn how not to make bad decisions next time and raise her child well. What else is there to do? There is nothing she can do to make this guy come back if he doesn't want to.
Why are internet users so darn critical of other people? It's in the Maui thread because it's happening in Maui and whether you like it or not, Maui is different than the mainland and there for will elicit a different response.
.
Lighten up folks. There's no need to personally attack HER or her character, integrity and sexual decisions. Because if you KNEW the entire situation from A-Z you wouldn't be defending this man.
She has no problem raising this child on her own - let's not go there. She simply wants him to acknowledge their child instead of hauling a$$.. She left him because he was irresponsible and mistreating her and her home.
And accidental pregnancies happen all the time. We no longer live in a world where things are planned for or can be planned for and even if they were, things don't always go according to plan. Lastly, whoever posted the statistics earlier of not getting pregnant using a condom needs some awareness. If condoms were 100% effective it would say just so. Nothing is EVER 100%.
Get real. I think we all know that taxpayers are going to "raise this child". Did we have a say in "her choice"? No, but collectively, we are all going to pay the bills. Tell me I'm wrong.
Do either of these twits have jobs that could pay for the cost of raising a child?
BTW: Excellent response Hotzcatz and others!
Last edited by Futuremauian; 09-14-2017 at 10:44 PM..
Get real. I think we all know that taxpayers are going to "raise this child". Did we have a say in "her choice"? No, but collectively, we are all going to pay the bills. Tell me I'm wrong.
Do either of these twits have jobs that could pay for the cost of raising a child?
BTW: Excellent response Hotzcatz and others!
Yes, you're wrong. You're wrong in that you're character bashing and making extreme innuendos as to their abilities to raise a child, irrespective of singly or collectively.
You're also wrong in that they both have stable CAREERS and pay taxes. Those taxes grant them the same access to social services even if they weren't paying taxes. If you ask me, which I believe you did, your comments (your being those who have commented) are collectively off base and offensive. I gave as little information as possible in an effort to protect her privacy while attempting in a good faith effort to solicit the opinions of others. Just because I'm asking doesn't mean I'll pass it forward. Not to mention I consider the source.
She asked him to make a decision with her. He never told her he didn't want the child, it is his actions (or lack thereof) that says "I'll have no part....."
Truly, it doesn't even matter because it is what it is. She's doing a great job alone and doesn't need help from anyone, myself included. Referring to the hurtful comment above about her using me for that, she's never even asked.
Hard audience should be more empathetic. Rest assured, I highly doubt the handful of comments here have come from well to do conservative families that have ruled by traditional values. If so great for you, we don't live in those times any more and kudos to her for making it work ON HER OWN.
Yes, you're wrong. You're wrong in that you're character bashing and making extreme innuendos as to their abilities to raise a child, irrespective of singly or collectively.
You're also wrong in that they both have stable CAREERS and pay taxes. Those taxes grant them the same access to social services even if they weren't paying taxes. If you ask me, which I believe you did, your comments (your being those who have commented) are collectively off base and offensive. I gave as little information as possible in an effort to protect her privacy while attempting in a good faith effort to solicit the opinions of others. Just because I'm asking doesn't mean I'll pass it forward. Not to mention I consider the source.
She asked him to make a decision with her. He never told her he didn't want the child, it is his actions (or lack thereof) that says "I'll have no part....."
Truly, it doesn't even matter because it is what it is. She's doing a great job alone and doesn't need help from anyone, myself included. Referring to the hurtful comment above about her using me for that, she's never even asked.
Hard audience should be more empathetic. Rest assured, I highly doubt the handful of comments here have come from well to do conservative families that have ruled by traditional values. If so great for you, we don't live in those times any more and kudos to her for making it work ON HER OWN.
🙌🙏
Best of luck to everyone involved!
For future reference, could you provide an example of a comment that we could have given which would have been "helpful"? Apparently we all misunderstood what you were hoping to receive...
I never had a child (lucky me), and nobody has "had" to have a child since 1973. Your body, your choice.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think we all know that taxpayers are going to "raise this child". Did we have a say in "her choice"? No, but collectively, we are all going to pay the bills. Tell me I'm wrong.
Apparently we all misunderstood what you were hoping to receive...
