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OP, it seems to me that if your wife is having this much trouble with finances -- and admitting it -- the solution is that you become her financial life-coach. Combine your paychecks into one pot, from which you pay all the bills. Work out a budget for everything (including "fun and frivolous stuff," if you can afford it) and adhere to it. And, let her see you doing it. Don't just lambast her sloppy money habits; teach her how to do it right.
My husband and I had the biggest fight of our marriage right after we were married. He makes lots of money, and at the time I was working and capable of making much less - I was a social worker. The grand long plan was after a few years we would have kids and I would either stay at home full time or work part time. We were setting up bank accounts and he wanted to set up one for me where it would be my "private money" every month, that I didn't have to justify at all and had complete ownership of. If I wanted something extravagant, go for it, out of that account.
Hold on right there. We will have one checking account into which both our paychecks would be deposited, and I will write the checks for the rent, groceries, sundries, utilities, whatever we need including my needs and clothing and car payments. I'm not extravagant. I'm not a spend thrift. I will have access to ALL our money, as will he, and we will wisely spend it on things we need, and save the rest. And as time went on we had kids and I purchased all their stuff out of that one account and never asked permission to buy ANYTHING. For myself, or for my kids, or for the house, etc. (Obviously, when we bought big things like couches or cars both our opinions came into play, and I drive a much lesser car than he does because of my lifestyle - you can't do social work and arrive in Section 8 housing in a beemer). But yeah. I don't need a separate account that I don't have to "justify". I won't be making questionable purchases.
I find it interesting that you reacted this way. The way I read what you wrote, your husband (who dramatically out-earned you) wanted you to be able to enjoy a certain standard of living without feeling the need to justify your expenses to him. In other words, he was saying "Go out and enjoy life. Buy nice things. Have fun. Guilt-free." I actually think he was being generous, not only financially but emotionally as well.
OP, it seems to me that if your wife is having this much trouble with finances -- and admitting it -- the solution is that you become her financial life-coach. Combine your paychecks into one pot, from which you pay all the bills. Work out a budget for everything (including "fun and frivolous stuff," if you can afford it) and adhere to it. And, let her see you doing it. Don't just lambast her sloppy money habits; teach her how to do it right.
I have been trying to do just that. I took her to the bookstore and bought her two financial management self-help books, one of which she already read.
I've also asked that she update me on how much debt she has once a month. Once I see that she's made good progress-- she's already working on paying off the cards with the smallest balances-- I'm going to help her pay off the ones with the most debt.
Honestly, I'm not sure what will happen. We might have kids someday. We may not. To be honest, I'd be content being a "one and done" parent. I don't have grand visions of a big family like others my age do, and at my wife's age, it's probably too late to have more than one anyhow.
I've thought about growing old and not having any children or grandchildren to share my last years with. I do frown upon those who say that they expect their children to take care of them. That's selfish, and it's never a guarantee.
Not sure if anyone's been in a similar situation or has any words of wisdom to offer. Thanks.
Both my husband and I were the first born, and had the longest viewing time of parenting in our respective family units. We didn't see parenting as more rewarding than living a life of freedom of time and comparative financial wealth. (We are not wealthy, but what we have isn't earmarked for child support.)
Thirty one years after we joined paths, childless, we've seen generations of parent child relationships and continue to thank GOD that we never went that route. As far as I've seen, all the claims of the "rewards" have been delusional at best. There is a lot of talk about that, but there's more talk (in private, away from listening ears) of how the other (parent of child) doesn't understand them, demands too much from them, keeps them from their true happiness, etc.
Couple that with the fact that science has been telling us since the human population was approaching five billion that we've overburdened the planet's ability to support us in our needs (safe water, soil -- i.e. "food", and air), and the choice to remain childless is the environmentally sound choice as well. Now, with our populations doubled since then and the validation of the assertions in the present lack of all those resources, we are STILL not self-limiting our reproduction. IMO, we should start handing out birth control and condoms in grade school and every health clinic.
If you want to make a child happy, volunteer to work with the millions of unwanted children. There are many organizations that will assist you in finding the right venue for you. Be a big brother or sister, foster, adopt. I personally was adopted and can attest that adoption is the greatest gift of love you can give and it brings good karma besides. If any of those options don't fit your needs, you can always donate to the organizations that help those children, and advocate for human services to children in your community.
Or, maybe deep down we really love each other and couldn't imagine ourselves with anyone else, despite our flaws.
Hence the "move forward together" part of my response. But moving forward together means working on the relationship. Both of you. Her financial insecurities and your need to analyze everything and, if I recall from other posts, your dissatisfaction with the workaday world and desire for a life of pure academia (without the responsibility or reporting required). Your need for no level of risk in life and life's decisions is at least as much an obstacle as her debt.
OP, it seems to me that if your wife is having this much trouble with finances -- and admitting it -- the solution is that you become her financial life-coach. Combine your paychecks into one pot, from which you pay all the bills. Work out a budget for everything (including "fun and frivolous stuff," if you can afford it) and adhere to it. And, let her see you doing it. Don't just lambast her sloppy money habits; teach her how to do it right.
I actually think an actual financial planner who is neutral is a better idea. Both for their relationship and for finances. We have no idea whether "her" debt is irresponsibility or her having to pay for more than her share because of his miserly ways.
If you were "together" for more than ten years, how come you don't know your wife's financial capability and why did it took you so many years to even "casually ask" how much her debt is?
This is a fair point. I should have looked into her finances a lot sooner than I did. Since she kept them to herself and never said she needed help/had debt problems, I assumed she was doing better financially. But I've learned never to assume anything in life.
To be fair, it isn't as if she's been chomping at the bit to combine our finances. She has said she's fine keeping accounts separate.
I actually think an actual financial planner who is neutral is a better idea. Both for their relationship and for finances. We have no idea whether "her" debt is irresponsibility or her having to pay for more than her share because of his miserly ways.
Miserly? I paid for the wedding and put the full down payment on the condo on my own. As for vacations, I pay for all flights and accommodations. I pay for the mortgage and food. I always try to take on the most expensive stuff so that she is free to help with the cheaper things.
Miserly? I paid for the wedding and put the full down payment on the condo on my own. As for vacations, I pay for all flights and accommodations. I pay for the mortgage and food. I always try to take on the most expensive stuff so that she is free to help with the cheaper things.
I'm not a millionaire either.
I wasn't calling you miserly, I was saying we, out here, don't know the situation. It could be you decided on that mortgage without involving her and she's now stuck with utilities and other things that are beyond her earning power, but that she feels are necessary to the lifestyle that you chose. We have no idea. We are hearing only one side.
Regardless, clearly there is a lack of communication. You filling the role of "papa bear" seems odd and sometimes condescending. Get professional, objective help.
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If any of those options don't fit your needs, you can always donate to the organizations that help those children, and advocate for human services to children in your community.