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My dh and I are having a big problem. Since my dh gets home at 8:00 pm some nights, they lay in our bed to spend time together. My DS almost always falls straight to sleep. I move him to his bed. He will then sneak back into our bed, and in the morning we wake up and he is there.
I know that this is our fault for not establishing a bed time routine earlier. He had one when he was little, but as soon as he outgrew the crib and toddler bed with the rail, he just won't stay in there. If we try to put him in his bed at bedtime, he throws a fit.
Any books or advice would be greatly appreciated. It is impacting our sleep so badly, that my dh said we might just start sleeping in ds bed.
You already know the answer. A book is not going to tell you anything you don't know. Establish a new bedtime routine. Maybe you can lay in DS' bed, read a book, etc. Then it's lights out. If/when he gets out of bed, just put him back in and don't say a word. Rinse and repeat. If you talk to him or otherwise engage him, you are just giving him the attention he's seeking. It may take a few nights, but eventually he'll know you're serious and he'll stop having a fit.
Talk to him about it first; don't just blindside him. Tell him that he's a big boy now and big boys sleep in their own beds. Tell him what your new routine will be. Involve him if you can - take him to the store to buy some new books to read for bedtime, etc. Set a day to start and most importantly, stick to it. Whatever you do, don't cave.
I have always had a consistent bed time but my daughter came and got in our bed at night until she was 6. She had a lot of anxiety and needed the closeness. I didn't mind it. There has been other times our kids have came and slept with us. I don't personally see it as a problem unless people aren't getting enough sleep.
Sounds like you have taught him to feel safe and to fall asleep in your bed, rather than his own bed. You can get some books - the library will probably have a decent selection about transitioning to a "big kid's" bed - but what really needs to change is his perception of his own bed. Changing your behavior will be more effective than a book.
Try changing bedtime routine so that he gets snuggles, etc only in his bed, and make your bed off limits. Give him a special stuffed animal or blanket to help him feel safe/keep him company. Basically, spend quality time with him in his bed, not yours: reading, singing, cuddling. When he gets up in the night and comes to you, bring him back to his bed and snuggle him back to sleep in his bed. The point is to make his bed a desirable place to be.
I used to lay down with my older boys until they went to sleep. It wasn't a big deal because they stayed in bed all night but then I was going to have a baby and that wasn't going to be feasible anymore. This is what I did. I started sitting in the rocking chair and reading on my iPad until they fell asleep. After a week I told them I'd stay for 10 minutes. The next week 5 minutes. Then it was lights out, I'm going downstairs. I would probably reestablish the bedtime routine in your son's room. If your husband enjoys that snuggle time, let them have it. Put him back to bed if he comes to your room. Tell him the truth, that you don't sleep as well with a full bed like that. If he doesn't start sleeping in his room, you might have to stop the snuggle time, but I wouldn't automatically take it away...it really is true that they are only little once.
When our kids were little, we used to let them have one night a week to sleep with us. that was enough to make everyone happy.
My philosophy when the kids were young was that all sleep was good sleep. Whether they moved to my bed or the couch in the middle of the night, it wasn't an issue. I don't like sleeping alone and neither did my kids. If it's bothering you and negatively impacting your sleep, then you should work on getting him to stay in his bed or on a pallet on your floor so he's not climbing on you in the night and waking you up. If he's sneaking in and you don't notice him til morning, though, then what's the harm? He's 4. He will naturally start staying in his bed as he gets older. Don't feel like you have to do things a certain way just for the it's own sake.
Thank you for all of your replies. We have now come up with a bedtime routine that will start tonight. I know that it will be a lot of work to break this habit that dh and I have caused. Wish us luck!
Thank you for all of your replies. We have now come up with a bedtime routine that will start tonight. I know that it will be a lot of work to break this habit that dh and I have caused. Wish us luck!
I'm not big into parenting books, but I remember one somewhat helpful book given to me called Secrets of the Baby Whisperer. It was written about 20 years ago by a British neonatal nurse by the name of Tracey Hogg. She had a term she called "accidental parenting", which describes your situation. It's what happens when otherwise well meaning parents start a habit or routine with the very best of intentions, with the mindset that it will be temporary, and then it becomes a problem.
She also had a phrase she used in the book that really resonated with me....."start as you mean to continue".
Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure your intentions were good, and you'll figure this out.
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