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Old 10-13-2017, 01:12 AM
 
1,142 posts, read 2,196,463 times
Reputation: 1099

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Plane tickets worth $3000 for parents to see their grandchildren and help out with a new baby is certainly a reasonable expense. OP, IMHO, you really have to loosen up those purse strings. If you are not there to help her take care of the children, she does need some help. Your wife needs her parents, and from her perspective, it's difficult to accept that you are very hesitant to pay for her request, when you allocate much more for your own mother. Yes, her parents can afford to pay, but what she is asking you to budget to spend on them is also small compared to what you give to your own mother.

From the cultural perspective, there's a difference between purely East Asian people compared to those who grew up in the West. Your wife and your children are your responsibilities, not the maternal grandparents'. And it is your wife and your child who need help badly. A gesture to pay for their tickets is a way of showing gratitude that you acknowledge their help. If the parents can afford it and you treat them very well in their stay, it's perfectly possible that they will also thank you by repaying you their tickets or paying the other expenses during their stay.

We really do not know why your parents-in-law paid for their first trip there, but if it's their first grandchild or they wanted to see how their daughter is after moving to a new country, then that's perfectly understandable. Also, if you did not make them feel welcome or appreciate their efforts, your wife is offering them the plane ticket to confirm that they are still welcome to go to your home.

OP, I suggest you open your mind and not smother your family or marriage with your penny-pinching ways. Your days of poverty are gone. In fact, some people get offended in East Asia if people offer to pay their family expenses when they can clearly afford it, so you can congratulate yourself for not looking like you are in dire need of financial assistance from your parents-in-law.

It's a matter of perspective, and if you pay for the plane tickets of your parents in law, then just enjoy and feel happy that your wife is more comfortable and happy, and that she will take care of your children better. A bad attitude towards those tickets might lead to ugly relations that will cost you more than $3k to ever repair. There's a power struggle going on. Your wife probably does not need a nanny but she is just mentioning it to make you know that the alternative to her parents' tickets will cost more.

Your offer of paying for only one ticket fails to see other people's perspectives. If her parents have a happy marriage and a happy family, why do they have to spend those times apart? What is her father going to be doing in Korea if he just retired anyway, and why can't he just be with his wife? He can also help take care of the toddler, bring the kid out, run some errands, etc. while her mother can help change diapers and cook at home.

Yeah, it's an accomplishment that you got out of poverty yourself. You don't have to spend lavishly, but you cannot treat your wife and family like you are completely unwilling to pay for their needs. It's different if you are dirt-poor and really have no other options. And remember, if your marriage breaks apart, your alimony and child support will most likely be much more than $3k.
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Old 10-13-2017, 01:14 AM
 
4,096 posts, read 6,195,404 times
Reputation: 7406
I'm not Korean, blue eyed blonde here, but even I know from watching years of Korean TV that she needs her parents and you have to pay BOTH tickets. Sheesh. You may have offended her and her parents with this split the cost business, that may be why she now needs the nanny. You are Korean but you don't have a clue about her culture. You are in for a world of hurt and it's just starting. Wise up while you still can. Get over your badatude and get both tickets. Aigoo...
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Old 10-13-2017, 02:46 AM
 
Location: NYC
16,061 posts, read 26,694,582 times
Reputation: 24848
Quote:
Originally Posted by purekoryo View Post
Even with our argument, if you ask my wife at this moment, I guarantee she does not resent me taking the job. And if you ask me right now, I absolutely do not regret one bit that I took the job. It was a solid decision. We do not have any chronic issue.

The situation that I have with my wife is just a disagreement on whats right and wrong based on our vastly different opinion and background and unfortunately, my wife's friend who had a nanny and her mother at the same time. Keep in mind that her friend doesn't even want to drive and expects her husband and her friends to drive her everywhere, so needless to say I am also frustrated that my wife would drop her standards down like that when I know my wife is much better.


This is the major issue. This isn't a what is right or what is wrong scenario. As I stated before, your viewpoint isn't right, it is different. You may think your wife is being spoiled, however having a second child is a lot more work than having one baby.

My son had his days and nights mixed up for weeks, didn't sleep well for months. I was beyond exhausted and could barely function. There are so many variables you don't know how it will end up. You truly need to learn to listen to your wife and not be such a linear thinker.
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Old 10-13-2017, 06:07 AM
 
10,599 posts, read 17,847,063 times
Reputation: 17352
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye View Post
I'm not Korean, blue eyed blonde here, but even I know from watching years of Korean TV that she needs her parents and you have to pay BOTH tickets. Sheesh. You may have offended her and her parents with this split the cost business, that may be why she now needs the nanny. You are Korean but you don't have a clue about her culture. You are in for a world of hurt and it's just starting. Wise up while you still can. Get over your badatude and get both tickets. Aigoo...
LOL because the American has to assimilate his Korean wife's culture even though she moved HERE.

Is that how you think it should work?

As a wife of a foreigner who moved to America and became a citizen...nope.

And when MY inlaws parked their butts in MY home, in America, expecting pregnant me to cook for them including carve the meat with carpel tunnel...it didn't happen. Make your own roast - you've been cooking for 40 years LOL.
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Old 10-13-2017, 06:11 AM
 
10,599 posts, read 17,847,063 times
Reputation: 17352
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian_Lee View Post
There is a subtle difference between the first and the second trips. During the first born, the wife did not need much help and could manage the baby herself.

But for this trip, obviously the purpose is to help the couple out since his wife alone cannot manage a baby and a toddler.
False. Read the OP.

It's "for a couple of weeks to see the baby".

I'll be damned if I'm spending that kind of money for that. And I'm actually one who DID pay for in-laws to come over.

If they were staying for MONTHS to DO CHILD CARE that's an entirely different matter.
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Old 10-13-2017, 06:46 AM
 
2,003 posts, read 1,165,157 times
Reputation: 1949
To the OP, why is it okay for you to pay your parents mortgage?, which Im sure is more than 3k in just one year. I assume you are paying their mortgage indefinitely which means you will be giving your parents over 100k minimally.

I think your wife needing a nanny is BS, tell her to suck it up, but you can spring for the parents tickets.
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Old 10-13-2017, 06:49 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
67,652 posts, read 60,589,303 times
Reputation: 101051
I have all sorts of mixed feelings about this, since I am an American to the bone who was raised to be self sufficient and to think that adults pay their own way whenever possible for whatever reason. But I also have a Korean daughter in law who was born and raised in Korea and I know her family dynamics are very different. And my own daughter, whose husband's family is Midwestern, struggles with her husband's family's different concept of "in law visiting" and who pays for what.

Long story short, I don't think there's a moral "right or wrong" when it comes to who is paying for what in the OP's story. A strong case could be made for the parents paying all of it, none of it, or half of it. For them staying a week, a month, or six months. Throw in the fact that the OP pays his mom's mortgage every single month and is the sole provider for his own family and wow, you've got a lot of stuff going on that could create stress.

With all that going on, and considering the wife is having their second child and is surely going to be tired, emotional, and yearning for some attention from her parents, I'd just recommend that the OP graciously pays for the tickets.

However, I'd want some clarification on a lot of things. Like - what are the expectations going forward? Is the OP's wife expecting him to pay for her parents' tickets once a year? Once every two years? Pay half once a year? Once every few years? What? What is the expectation going forward?

Double standards are hurtful and I think the wife may be feeling that. I do know from my son and his wife that expectations about honoring parents in Korean culture are very different than American culture. That doesn't make either scenario right or wrong - it's just different. And the wife sees that the OP financially supports his mother (and stepfather) every single month, year in and year out, and I'm sure she misses her parents terribly and thinks, "I can't believe this cheapskate!" when the OP buckles down over what seems to be a one time expense.
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Old 10-13-2017, 06:53 AM
 
Location: City Data Land
17,156 posts, read 12,915,217 times
Reputation: 33164
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
I hear a lot of resentment and little compassion for the wife. I know that when I had my babies we paid for my mother to fly to the usa to come a month each time. I needed MY MOTHER, not just emotionally but to help, and to have my mother to talk to. I missed my mother terribly and having her visit was what I needed, especially after a cesarean. It also took the pressure off my husband who came home from work tired. His wife was happy, the meals were cooked, the house tidy.
I hear this as well, mixed with an unhealthy superiority complex. I suggest OP get a handle on it or the marriage could be in trouble. Your wife's roles are just as important as yours. You seem to feel as though her staying at home is not as important as your job. In any event, you guys can afford it. Pay the $3000 (or less, if you shop wisely) and let peace reign in the home. As the saying goes, "If Momma ain't happy, nobody's happy." And you have two mothers involved in this scenario, not just one. You don't want to cause long term resentment on both their parts.
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Old 10-13-2017, 07:13 AM
 
11,412 posts, read 7,769,043 times
Reputation: 21922
I had to laugh when the OP pointed out (indignantly) that at least his mother is putting $100 a month into his daughter's college fund while his parents in law are not. Given that he's paying his mother's mortgage, isn't it really his $100?? I'm pretty sure if he ponies up for the in law's mortgage, they'd be happy to contribute $100 as well.

I feel for his wife having to negotiate with someone who has such an absurd view of what's going on.

Last edited by UNC4Me; 10-13-2017 at 08:37 AM..
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Old 10-13-2017, 08:45 AM
 
3,403 posts, read 3,561,250 times
Reputation: 3735
Quote:
Originally Posted by UNC4Me View Post
I had to laugh when the OP pointed out (indignantly) that at least his mother is putting $100 a month into his daughter's college fund while his parents in law are not. Given that he's paying his mother's mortgage, isn't it really his $100?? I'm pretty sure if he ponies up for the in law's mortgage, they'd be happy to contribute $100 as well.

I feel for his wife having to negotiate with someone who has such an absurd view of what's going on.
I'm sure your opinion is greatly appreciated, but you should keep your own judgement to yourself.
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