Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Forget his behavior. You are admitting to yelling, screaming, talking on the phone while driving, pulling his phone away while driving, demanding that your 13 year old bend to your preference (its not like you have a peanut allergy, its that the smell makes you feel ill, you can open a window). I think you are out of control, not him. He is frustrated because he isn't being heard. I get being busy and overwhelmed. Make the appointment for yourself and focus on you for a while. It will pay off in your entire family.
Children learn by example. I don't see many good ones in this scenario.
Also...he is hard to love? Wow. That can't be helping, because I would bet anything he knows. Poor kid.
Problem is, we were in a car, coming home from his Science Olympiad.
I did attempt saying that, too, but it didn't seem to get through his head.
You've got far too many things going on at once. In a car, on the phone with a repairman, yelling at your child. I hope you weren't driving!
Screaming at him isn't going to work. I know because I would laugh in my mother's face when I was teen when she would scream like a crazy person. It was entertaining.....here I am 13, 14, 15 years old and this 40+ year old can't control herself. I was actually the one in control. You need to learn to keep your cool. You didn't end up in this situation overnight.
I can see why he got so upset. The first thing you did wrong was ask him a question with a yes or no answer and to him, that's giving him the option of saying yes or no. He chose no. So why get so upset over it? You gave him the choice and he took it. Why get mad at him for doing something you gave him tacit permission to do?
I'll tell you right now, anytime you "ask" a child anything and he has the option of giving you an answer you don't want, that's the one you'll get.
Don't ask him anything ever. You're the adult, it's your house, your rules. Period. If he has no option but to obey, then TELL him what to do. No asking, no negotiation. You'll have to lay down the law and lay it down hard if he's used to having his own way. But be consistent and it'll get easier.
The second thing you did wrong was ask him more than once. I've seen dogs that can count. You tell your dog to get off the chair. You tell him again. And again. The dog goes, "That's one. That's two. That's three. Oops, that's four, I better get off the chair now because I get thrown off at four." Kids do the same thing.
If you follow through the first time like you do on the fourth time, he'll respond the first time and not wait till you tell him four times.
You can also tell him he's only got two options: follow the rules or go live in a juvenile detention center. Offer to drive him there. That's it. That's all there is and there ain't no more. He can make a choice from those two things.
OP, teenage-hood can be the MOST exasperating time in a parent's life. Our sons are now grown, but man oh man I can relate. Our youngest son was much easier. Our oldest tested me on everything. I thought some days that I'd tear my hair out by the roots. Yes I screeched sometimes too. You are allowed even though you are an adult, just not all the time as an every day happening.
One thing I found was that what worked for some kids, didn't work for others. Often, suggestions of discipline (consequences) didn't work for us. I ordered my oldest to either go out of the house or up to his room one time when he was being a total sh*t to me. My hubby was at work. He just said no. I tried to physically push/pull him out the door but by that time he was stronger than me. I had to give up and walk away as much as I hated to let him win. He was grinning and I was crying. Taking his electronics away from him just made him laugh. He didn't care.
There was hardly a morning when there wasn't a shouting match because he was dragging his feet so both he and his brother would be late for school. Missing school would have made him happy, but it wasn't an option. We insisted that he had to go to school, and just repeated this almost every morning until the end of high school.
Anyways, just do your best. Do what works for you. Realize that he is normal and pushing his boundaries. You are normal too in being frustrated. I always said "I love my child but I sure as heck don't like him right now" You are allowed to feel this way. Some teenagers are very easy to not like at times.
We were fortunate that there weren't any "heavy" drugs involved. That, to me, is the most scary part of parent-hood these days. Even the best of parents and the most well behaved kids have access and can get addicted to hard drugs.
As for behavioural problems, hang on, you'll get through this stage and come out ok on the other end. Do your best. There isn't a magic solution and there isn't a manual. Just do what works for you and your son.
Good luck.
Therapy would be a good idea, I suggest starting with you.
that was very harsh... Im worried about this woman and her reactions to smells.. as I have had MCS for many years meaning most smells chemical or perfume related sets me off and my moods get erratic or go to the other level of morose and want to be left alone, this woman might be ill and everything else going on around her is perhaps magnified.. If she is ill its difficult for others to understand her allergic reaction to it and she didnt give the boy a reason why he should spit the gum out... but then maybe he already knew about her sensitivity... I feel for her but this is a lot more than a young teenager,its a mix of maybe illness, stress and circumstances..
I can see why he got so upset. The first thing you did wrong was ask him a question with a yes or no answer and to him, that's giving him the option of saying yes or no. He chose no. So why get so upset over it? You gave him the choice and he took it. Why get mad at him for doing something you gave him tacit permission to do?
I'll tell you right now, anytime you "ask" a child anything and he has the option of giving you an answer you don't want, that's the one you'll get.
Don't ask him anything ever. You're the adult, it's your house, your rules. Period. If he has no option but to obey, then TELL him what to do. No asking, no negotiation. You'll have to lay down the law and lay it down hard if he's used to having his own way. But be consistent and it'll get easier.
The second thing you did wrong was ask him more than once. I've seen dogs that can count. You tell your dog to get off the chair. You tell him again. And again. The dog goes, "That's one. That's two. That's three. Oops, that's four, I better get off the chair now because I get thrown off at four." Kids do the same thing.
If you follow through the first time like you do on the fourth time, he'll respond the first time and not wait till you tell him four times.
You can also tell him he's only got two options: follow the rules or go live in a juvenile detention center. Offer to drive him there. That's it. That's all there is and there ain't no more. He can make a choice from those two things.
Wow this is the worst parenting advice. OP...don't do these things if you want a healthy well balanced human. Dogs are not children, children are not dogs.
And a juvenile detention center wouldn't take a kid for not spitting out gum or following house rules. They are for kids who break laws, not rules. You can give a child to child protective services, but you have to pay to support them and *you* are the one in the hot seat for not living up to your parenting duties.
You can also tell him he's only got two options: follow the rules or go live in a juvenile detention center. Offer to drive him there. That's it. That's all there is and there ain't no more. He can make a choice from those two things.
That one never worked with my mother! She threatened that all the time because I was mouthy. Teens know how kids end up there and it's not from mouthing off or chewing gum.
Shoulda disciplined and set rules up early on. Now that are teenagers it's gonna be harder to fix what's broken. Parents these days rather be best friends with their children instead of benign parents
I would say that the direct defiance is not a small thing - even though chewing gum is just a small thing. You've got a very big problem - this young man seems to feel that he can treat you badly, and get away with it. If you don't set him straight, he could soon be taking your car out at night and joyride down the highways at 100 mph. I always tell parents, "If you don't set the limit, society will set the limit. Your limit is discipline - society's limit is prison." Besides, you do EVERYTHING for this brat. How DARE he treat you like this!
You and your husband need to have a long talk, without kids around, as to how you're going to handle this. My recommendation is loss of all privileges, all electronics/screens, all social interaction (unless he's the kind of kid who has social problems, and needs what little social life he has). Ground him, cut off his money, cut off his social life. Tell him he can earn everything back, by behaving respectfully toward you, doing the chores you want him to do, and doing his schoolwork to the best of his ability. A therapist for him, so he can vent about what monsters his mean parents are, would be great. BE those mean parents.
As for "supporting" a lazy student in school: It is much, much better for you to back off right now and let him fail while he's in middle school, than keep on doing this all through high school. Let him learn the shame of academic failure NOW, before he hits high school. If you support him all the way through, he'll never learn to do it on his own, and he'll waste your money in college.
Also, when you talk about the supporting him through his schoolwork, is it possible that this kid has untreated ADHD? A visit with your pediatrician might be in order. There are screening checklists online that both you and he can do, and bring to the visit.
Make sure that your younger child doesn't become the target of his rage when you lower the boom on him.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
