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Old 10-18-2017, 02:36 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
15,479 posts, read 15,564,516 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoftSleepyKitten View Post
There are many respectful, law abiding and productive members out in society who have said no to their parents past the age of 13!
I told my mother no over the weekend...several times.....while she was visiting me. And I'm waaaaaaay past 13!
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Old 10-18-2017, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
15,479 posts, read 15,564,516 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SouthernProper View Post
Did you take a poll?

Backtalk has always been considered disrespectful, if you'll disrespect your parents, you'll disrespect other authorities, as well.

But again, you're free to disagree.
Since when is telling someone no backtalk? You really need to put things in context. You can respectfully tell someone no.
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Old 10-18-2017, 02:44 PM
 
Location: Anderson, IN
6,855 posts, read 2,831,796 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiger_Momma View Post
Problem is, we were in a car, coming home from his Science Olympiad.

I did attempt saying that, too, but it didn't seem to get through his head.
Next time 'ralph' all over him, not mature but he will get the picture quickly.
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Old 10-18-2017, 05:50 PM
 
Location: 89052 & 75206
8,103 posts, read 8,284,205 times
Reputation: 19902
I made a few mistakes when I was Mom to a 13-year old boy by letting my anger get the best of me. After a cooling off period, and I realized it was a bad scene for both of us, a couple of times I took him out for an ice cream and told him I regretted our exchange. I told him we needed to reset the whole exchange and go back and try harder to get along. In your case, I might ask him why he was so defiant about the mint gum. I wouldn’t have the conversation until I was totally under control. I’d listen to his response and then paraphrase it back:

“So, Jon, you felt I was talking to you like you were a baby and you also think a parent should not demand a teenager spit out gum.....is that right?”

“Oh, and also you think it was humiliating that I made such a demand in front of your brother.”

OK, I hear you. And I don’t want either of us to feel disrespected.....because I felt that way too. I do want to apologize about hurting your feelings. I’d like us both to work on keeping our interactions respectful. Because someday you will be out in the world on your own, and I want us to remember our time together as happy. Because I love and respect you very much. And I am so proud of you.

Can we agree to try harder? Ok, let’s shake on it........
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Old 10-18-2017, 06:38 PM
 
Location: Washington state
6,988 posts, read 4,848,051 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
You are thinking in black and white terms. Either a parent is super permissive or they are authoritarian (like your post suggests). I am neither, I have very well behaved kids (which I am told very often).

I'm responding to the OP. For parents who have taught their children from the time they're small, you may or may not need to be as strict when they're 13. But if you need to lay down the law and it's for the first time at age 13, you're going to have to be more strict.

And a lot of it depends on the kid, too. Some kids are just naturally well adjusted kids who fit into family and society. Some kids (like myself when I was little), push the boundaries every chance they get. Different kids need different handling. And it depends on the situation, too. You're not going to treat a mouthy 13 year old who is all of a sudden displaying this problem in the same way you'd treat a mouthy 13 year old who's always been mouthy and disrespectful. The first one is probably just being 13, the second one has been getting away with being mouthy his whole life and is now cruising on dangerous waters. Each of those kids needs discipline, but they need different kinds of discipline.

That's just my opinion.
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Old 10-18-2017, 06:47 PM
 
10,196 posts, read 9,849,639 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rodentraiser View Post
I'm responding to the OP. For parents who have taught their children from the time they're small, you may or may not need to be as strict when they're 13. But if you need to lay down the law and it's for the first time at age 13, you're going to have to be more strict.

And a lot of it depends on the kid, too. Some kids are just naturally well adjusted kids who fit into family and society. Some kids (like myself when I was little), push the boundaries every chance they get. Different kids need different handling. And it depends on the situation, too. You're not going to treat a mouthy 13 year old who is all of a sudden displaying this problem in the same way you'd treat a mouthy 13 year old who's always been mouthy and disrespectful. The first one is probably just being 13, the second one has been getting away with being mouthy his whole life and is now cruising on dangerous waters. Each of those kids needs discipline, but they need different kinds of discipline.

That's just my opinion.
If you wait until 13 and then start to "lay down the law" (another authoritarian parenting phrase), then you are going to need professional help.

When I was 16 my mom decided to start parenting to me. There was no way I was going to switch from my adult role to a kid one. Even her therapist told her that it was too late. And interestingly enough...with almost no parenting...I was respectful and a decent person. (still am)
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Old 10-18-2017, 07:05 PM
 
Location: Washington state
6,988 posts, read 4,848,051 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
If you wait until 13 and then start to "lay down the law" (another authoritarian parenting phrase), then you are going to need professional help.
Not necessarily. Again, it depends on the kid and the situation.

And you know perfectly well what I meant by "lay down the law" as a figure of speech. I'm not talking about instant obedience. I'm talking about telling a kid that he needs to be in at a certain time, not back talk, do his chores, things like that. "Laying down the law" means making a kid do the things he should have been doing instead of letting him slide.

I'm sure if one of your kids came in at 1am instead of his curfew time of 10pm, you'd lay down the law to him pretty darn quick.
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Old 10-18-2017, 07:14 PM
 
13,273 posts, read 8,392,925 times
Reputation: 31480
Quote:
Originally Posted by SOON2BNSURPRISE View Post
The kid is out of control. No parenting classes needed. A swift kick to the but is in order though.
ohh I'd hate to swift kick a parent. But if you are of that nature...have at it.
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Old 10-18-2017, 07:20 PM
 
3,237 posts, read 2,317,978 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
I think you need to choose your battles better.

How about "son, the smell of mint makes me feel sick. Can you finish chewing that in the other room" or something that treats him with a little more autonomy. He is 13 after all.

If yelling and screaming is happening often...pretty much at all, something isn't working. There are therapists who could work with you on parenting and help resolve this before it goes too far.
Good post. Make it clear that mint makes you sick and if wants to continue chewing the gum he needs to leave the room.
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Old 10-18-2017, 07:27 PM
 
3,237 posts, read 2,317,978 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SouthernProper View Post
Did you take a poll?

Backtalk has always been considered disrespectful, if you'll disrespect your parents, you'll disrespect other authorities, as well.

But again, you're free to disagree.
I do disagree. A kid who doesn't respect his parents because he knows there are no real consequences, (just a lot of yelling) may very well respect teachers and cops because doing otherwise has consequences. Children do what works. It wouldn't work for him to yell at his teacher, or refuse to do what she has asked because he know there will be consequences, a bad grade, a trip to the office, etc. With Mom he can get away with it because nothing really bad ever happens.
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