Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am a parent with two children, ages 11 and 13, and I am having an extremely hard time with my 13 year old. Almost every single day we are fighting, and it turns into screaming, shouting, and crying. I'm considering giving up and letting him fail out of school, but I love him too much. Just today we had a large squabble:
He was chewing a piece of gum, mint gum, and I was on the phone due to a broken dishwasher. I told him to spit it out, and he said "no". I thought he was joking, so I asked the question again, and received the same answer. A bit of background about why I needed him to spit it out is that the flavor mint almost always makes me sick. My poor husband had to change toothpastes due to it.
After a few more tries of me asking nicely, and not getting the answer I needed, I took away his phone and told him "Spit out the gum, and you can have it back,". I'm assuming you can guess the answer I got. He began screeching at me, while I was on the phone. I tried to ignore him, but after the phone was off, I finally snapped and did exactly what he was doing to me: Yell at the top of my lungs.
I need help with this child. I want to love him, and I try, but it is so hard to love him. What can I do? It's hell in my household, with a crying 11 year old being beat up by my 13 year old, and a husband who's at a bike race.
oh well then you just wait until dad gets home from the bike race and you present a united front to the 13 yr old and never in a million years would my dad or my mother tolerated being told no when I was asked to do something . Perhaps you should have just gone in his room and stripped everything out and leave him one sheet and one pillow . Tell him since he does not want to mind you , he is going to be in prison so you make his room like a cell and strip it !!! no electronics , no tv , no phone and then he will have to earn that stuff back by doing household chores end of story . I did not nor will I ever have tolerated such disrespect in my household ever and my father did not either . Sounds to me like there has not been a lot of discipline in this household . Gain control of your house .
How about "son, the smell of mint makes me feel sick. Can you finish chewing that in the other room" or something that treats him with a little more autonomy. He is 13 after all.
If yelling and screaming is happening often...pretty much at all, something isn't working. There are therapists who could work with you on parenting and help resolve this before it goes too far.
I remember ages 13 and 19 as being the two hardest years of parenting. Chill and do your best. You are experiencing normal growth. Good luck and God bless you.
I remember ages 13 and 19 as being the two hardest years of parenting. Chill and do your best. You are experiencing normal growth. Good luck and God bless you.
13 and 17 in my house. 17 because "I am almost an adult" attitude. 13...because I don't know why. They were in college at 19 and only came home for visits and didn't really have rules besides basic family stuff, so it wasn't too bad.
How about "son, the smell of mint makes me feel sick. Can you finish chewing that in the other room" or something that treats him with a little more autonomy. He is 13 after all.
If yelling and screaming is happening often...pretty much at all, something isn't working. There are therapists who could work with you on parenting and help resolve this before it goes too far.
Problem is, we were in a car, coming home from his Science Olympiad.
I did attempt saying that, too, but it didn't seem to get through his head.
How about "son, the smell of mint makes me feel sick. Can you finish chewing that in the other room" or something that treats him with a little more autonomy. He is 13 after all.
If yelling and screaming is happening often...pretty much at all, something isn't working. There are therapists who could work with you on parenting and help resolve this before it goes too far.
I agree.
13 year olds can be a hot mess but it’s easy for people not in the situation to make it seem as simple as I don’t tolerate xyz. A 13 year old is not a little kid, but not an adult. They have crazy hormones swirling around. They still need to learn how to be adults so ask him the way you would ask an adult. At least give him the chance to act like one so he can learn to act like one.
And expect that sometimes he is going to scream back at you and you don’t have to tolerate it at all, but it’s best not to devolve to his level when he’s lost his $h!t like a whacked out teen. I would try to actually lower your voice if he’s yelling. Ask him firmly not to yell at you. Let him know that if he can’t get it together there will be x consequence and if he doesn’t stop, follow through on the consequence (say, take his phone) and tell him you are walking away until he can behave appropriately. Honestly, yelling can get things done immediately but doesn’t solve anything in the end. He just learns that if it gets you your way, it might get him his.
What he is doing is developmentally normal. Which certainly doesn’t make it ok, it makes it a level of emotional control he still needs to acquire. Sometimes just reminding yourself to reframe things in your head can make things easier on you. But don’t feel bad if you lose it either. We all do. If you think you overreacted to something it’s OK to teach him that adults apologize when they lose it.
Problem is, we were in a car, coming home from his Science Olympiad.
I did attempt saying that, too, but it didn't seem to get through his head.
I still think the situation could have been handled in a way that would not have lead to the fight. It sounds more like a parenting issue then a "bad kid" issue.
13 year olds can be a hot mess but it’s easy for people not in the situation to make it seem as simple as I don’t tolerate xyz. A 13 year old is not a little kid, but not an adult. They have crazy hormones swirling around. They still need to learn how to be adults so ask him the way you would ask an adult. At least give him the chance to act like one so he can learn to act like one.
And expect that sometimes he is going to scream back at you and you don’t have to tolerate it at all, but it’s best not to devolve to his level when he’s lost his $h!t like a whacked out teen. I would try to actually lower your voice if he’s yelling. Ask him firmly not to yell at you. Let him know that if he can’t get it together there will be x consequence and if he doesn’t stop, follow through on the consequence (say, take his phone) and tell him you are walking away until he can behave appropriately. Honestly, yelling can get things done immediately but doesn’t solve anything in the end. He just learns that if it gets you your way, it might get him his.
What he is doing is developmentally normal. Which certainly doesn’t make it ok, it makes it a level of emotional control he still needs to acquire. Sometimes just reminding yourself to reframe things in your head can make things easier on you. But don’t feel bad if you lose it either. We all do. If you think you overreacted to something it’s OK to teach him that adults apologize when they lose it.
OK, you were driving in the car, with at least one kid in tow, and talking on the phone at the same time? It may not be prohibited in your state, but I would say first of all - no, no, no, no. Not only is it unsafe but it says to your son that he's not a very important thing when being picked up, or taken somewhere, or whatever - he's just along for the ride while you do your more important things. (I've just gone back and read your post and can't see where I got the idea you were driving and on the phone, too, but..........just put it down to having raised a couple of 13 year olds myself)
If you hadn't been on the phone (instead of involving your son in what he did that day or other mom/kid things) you could have made a silly gesture like strangling yourself (with one hand) and saying "ARRGH - mint gum! I'm going to be sick!" and opening the window or some other silly mom thing, since you say he's been told before not to chew this. This assures him you still love him but want him to do something for you that won't challenge his new hormone output
You have to pick your battles when they're 13. And I don't think mint gum is right up there with the more serious things he could be doing. Then he wouldn't have to get defensive over small stuff.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
