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I think exactly the opposite. If a child never challenges a parent then there is something wrong with the dynamic there. If the child never pushes for autonomy and steps on some toes...there is controlling going on, not parenting.
At two you don't know what you're doing. At 13 you know exactly what you're doing.
If your (in general) kids treat you like crap, have no respect, and you think it's okay, I see that as a big part of the reason that teachers can't control their classrooms, and prisons are overcrowded. Mom's make excuses for their children while teaching them to blame other people.
I didn't raise my kids for myself. I raised them to be respectful and obedient in my home so they would be respectful, law abiding and productive members out in society.
You don't have to agree with me.
There are many respectful, law abiding and productive members out in society who have said no to their parents past the age of 13!
Backtalk has always been considered disrespectful, if you'll disrespect your parents, you'll disrespect other authorities, as well.
But again, you're free to disagree.
Did you? I speak as I find. I also do not worship blind obedience but I do expect respect and that they show courtesy to others. They are human though and will make mistakes. And that includes those in authority. I would hope their morals would always come before obedience. We all err (but then I did not take a poll for that either )
I think one of the best things we can do is to be kind to others.
My kids don't "rule the roost". That is absurd to make that leap. You really are seeing this in black and white. I am not a super strict mother. This is true. I parent with connection for the most part (its a parenting style). But my home has a lot of structure, without it being a prison.
If you met my kids you would be blown away by how well behaved they are. They are polite, kind, thoughtful, courageous, fun and funny and so much more. I know you would be impressed because people often are. Even the harshest critics have said so.
But they are humans...with out fully formed brains who are finding their way through the world. And sometimes they hit each other. Sometimes they talk back. It is not the end of the world, its a teaching moment.
I am also an imperfect human and I make mistakes and I can be unfair or unjust and I am ok with being called on it sometimes. Even if its by a child. Then my behavior teaches them. Do I get in a screaming match with them? Hit them? Make sure they know I am the ultimate power and they must bend to my will? I do not. I model behavior that I want them to have, like conflict resolution, empathy, respect, etc.
This is how the conversation would have gone in my house:
Me: Honey, that smell is making me feel ill, can you please spit out the gum
Son: No.
Me: Excuse me?
Son: No!
Me: Talking to me like that isn't ok. Can you explain to me why you are refusing?
Son: I just got this gum and I really like it. (still defensive)
Me: Yeah I get that. I wouldn't want to have to spit out something I liked either. The smell though is really making me feel super sick. I really don't want to vomit. Could you put it away for now and then just chew it when we aren't in a closed space (or some other compromise).
Son: Ok.
The above example is real life here. There was no punishment or screaming. What it did was teach a lesson through my behavior. I was reasonable. I was kind. I set a limit. So next time my son is feeling defensive or defiant and wants to say no to me, he will remember that I am actually going to be reasonable with him and hear his needs.
I have good and bad moments as a parent. But I aim for the above. I don't parent my kids into being afraid of me.
P.S. And it does translate into the rest of the world. My kids are very respectful to adults and people in authority...but they don't seem to fear them.
Yes. I don't think I've ever, even to this day at age 42, told my parents "no" when they asked or told me to do something. My children never did. I would take that little word as an indication that things are very wrong between parent and child.
I tell my mom no every day. No i dont want to deal with you.
( really though i told her no a lot and she told me no just as much. Thats NOT why we dont get along. )
My kids don't "rule the roost". That is absurd to make that leap. You really are seeing this in black and white. I am not a super strict mother. This is true. I parent with connection for the most part (its a parenting style). But my home has a lot of structure, without it being a prison.
If you met my kids you would be blown away by how well behaved they are. They are polite, kind, thoughtful, courageous, fun and funny and so much more. I know you would be impressed because people often are. Even the harshest critics have said so.
But they are humans...with out fully formed brains who are finding their way through the world. And sometimes they hit each other. Sometimes they talk back. It is not the end of the world, its a teaching moment.
I am also an imperfect human and I make mistakes and I can be unfair or unjust and I am ok with being called on it sometimes. Even if its by a child. Then my behavior teaches them. Do I get in a screaming match with them? Hit them? Make sure they know I am the ultimate power and they must bend to my will? I do not. I model behavior that I want them to have, like conflict resolution, empathy, respect, etc.
This is how the conversation would have gone in my house:
Me: Honey, that smell is making me feel ill, can you please spit out the gum
Son: No.
Me: Excuse me?
Son: No!
Me: Talking to me like that isn't ok. Can you explain to me why you are refusing?
Son: I just got this gum and I really like it. (still defensive)
Me: Yeah I get that. I wouldn't want to have to spit out something I liked either. The smell though is really making me feel super sick. I really don't want to vomit. Could you put it away for now and then just chew it when we aren't in a closed space (or some other compromise).
Son: Ok.
The above example is real life here. There was no punishment or screaming. What it did was teach a lesson through my behavior. I was reasonable. I was kind. I set a limit. So next time my son is feeling defensive or defiant and wants to say no to me, he will remember that I am actually going to be reasonable with him and hear his needs.
I have good and bad moments as a parent. But I aim for the above. I don't parent my kids into being afraid of me.
You make it all sound so easy. You had/have well behaved children. Lucky you (I mean that).
Some of us other parents who are GOOD parents and do their best at doing everything right in raising their children, don't have it so easy. You can't always pin things on the parenting. Children are ALL different. What works for one, doesn't work for the other. What works for one family doesn't work for another. You just do the BEST that you can.
Example: People want to blame the parents for their child for getting into drugs and becoming drug addicts. Doctors, lawyers and other professionals can be and ARE drug addicts. Do you go way back to their childhoods and blame their parents?
At two you don't know what you're doing. At 13 you know exactly what you're doing.
If your (in general) kids treat you like crap, have no respect, and you think it's okay, I see that as a big part of the reason that teachers can't control their classrooms, and prisons are overcrowded. Mom's make excuses for their children while teaching them to blame other people.
I didn't raise my kids for myself. I raised them to be respectful and obedient in my home so they would be respectful, law abiding and productive members out in society.
You don't have to agree with me.
I agree. I saw my job as raising my children to be responsible and contributing adults. Yes, there were some that didn't agree, generally, they had who had issues thus their parenting skills were different than mine and in their mind, mine were wrong.
FAR TOO MANY parents want to be "friends" with their kids and not parents. Of course, some of this is guilt since many spend very little time with their children and when they do, they don't want it to be a battle.
Yes, far too many parents are enablers when it comes to the less than good behavior of their children.
Although I would have to say that many don't start correcting their children when they are younger, and at 13 it really becomes an issue after all those years. Also, the actions of a 13 year old compared to a 2 year old are entirely different.
I would say that "guilt" in not spending time and trying to indulge the kids and be friends rather than parents is probably the biggest contributing issue to out of control children.
One gets ahead of it at the 13 year mark, or they never get ahead of it and the child is in control.
OP is justified in her concern, while a minor incident, it won't get better with time. When my kids were under my roof, and even today, what I say goes.
You make it all sound so easy. You had/have well behaved children. Lucky you (I mean that).
Some of us other parents who are GOOD parents and do their best at doing everything right in raising their children, don't have it so easy. You can't always pin things on the parenting. Children are ALL different. What works for one, doesn't work for the other. What works for one family doesn't work for another. You just do the BEST that you can.
Example: People want to blame the parents for their child for getting into drugs and becoming drug addicts. Doctors, lawyers and other professionals can be and ARE drug addicts. Do you go way back to their childhoods and blame their parents?
Oh trust me...I didn't just luck out. This has been a very long process working with therapists and a lot of trial and error. And there are more bumps along the way I am sure of. And my kids aren't perfect. But they are pretty awesome.
Both my kids have mental health issues, learning differences and developmental delay. One struggles with an attachment disorder due to her adoption/early trauma. So that is why I have worked so hard to get to the place we are in now.
I feel like I should go knock on wood right now before I jinx it.
ETA: That was an example of a simple conversation in its best form. What I aim for. It is not always like that. My kids are humans too and sometimes act out. Sometimes they are total butts. Sometimes I forget what I want to do...or I am stressed or sick and react in ways I am not proud of (I try to eventually use that as a teaching moment too).
Last edited by HighFlyingBird; 10-18-2017 at 02:58 PM..
At two you don't know what you're doing. At 13 you know exactly what you're doing.
You said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by SouthernProper
Yes. I don't think I've ever, even to this day at age 42, told my parents "no" when they asked or told me to do something. My children never did. I would take that little word as an indication that things are very wrong between parent and child.
You said your children NEVER said no to you. I have yet to meet a two year old who doesn't love the word no. You didn't say when your children were teens that they didn't say no to you. I would still highly doubt that they never said no to you.
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