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There's a difference between excuse and reason - and this issue falls under the latter, since chronic tardiness has a proven connection to ADD/ADHD. Maybe for your son it's not a problem, but for many it is! I'm 41 years old with ADD (diagnosed in adulthood, since they didn't have a name for it when I was a kid), and struggle daily with being on time and keeping a normal sleep schedule. I don't use it as an excuse, and accept the consequences of my tardiness when they happen... but to ignore the root cause is counterproductive, and could hinder someone from solving the problem.
Bottom line: If it were as easy as "being able to tell time," nobody would struggle with this. I've had my share of negative consequences to being late, even lost a former job and friendship over it, so why haven't I just "learned to be on time?" I don't know, and that's why I work with a psychiatrist to dismantle the causes. Dismissing this as a REASON (not excuse) helps nobody, and is kind of like telling chronically obese folks to "just lose weight."
So maybe you really do have a valid reason/disorder for being late all the time. Why should it be everyone else's problem? Your problem, you live with it, don't think you're entitled to bring everyone else down with it
So maybe you really do have a valid reason/disorder for being late all the time. Why should it be everyone else's problem? Your problem, you live with it, don't think you're entitled to bring everyone else down with it
Where did that poster say that everyone should just deal with it? It’s a REASON why conventional ideas of how to get places on time, etc. won’t just automatically work. It doesn’t mean the person gets a free pass for life. They do have to learn ways that will work for THEM. I can technically read both analog and digital clocks just fine.
I try to find ways to work around. It sure ain’t easy but I am perpetually trying. I have a business trip early tomorrow morning. My flight leaves at 615 am and I am horrible at waking up that early. Do I expect them to somehow hold the plane in case I wake up late? Of course not. I’m spending the night there at the airport as a workaround. It’s crappy for me, but I will be able to get on the plane.
That’s why I suggested looking into an ADHD coach. I haven’t tried one yet, but have worked with a counselor. I work on figuring out ways to make things happen that will actually work for me. I’ve had cold water dumped on me. I can turn off alarm clocks in my sleep. Saying that if only I wanted to, I could suddenly follow a schedule (in the traditional sense) is disheartening and just plain unrealistic.
I really truly can’t just do it like that. It doesn’t mean I just give up and expect the world to fully accommodate me. I have to find ways that work with the brain I have been given.
I’ve spent a lifetime feeling shame, inept and so many other negative things. At least now I better understand the reason, so I can find solutions.
Does she understand her diagnosis? Educating her, letting her educate herself, with your lead...may help her understand that she may actually have to work harder then folks who do not have this disability.
Have you rewarded her for being on time? What is something that might motivate her.....you said she can do it when it is something she wants. Reward her, and give her some successes so that she will internalize that feeling.
And, you may simply have to accept this about her.
It can be heartbreaking watching the struggles. My son has adhd and has literally stayed up all night so that he wouldn't sleep through his alarm. I feel it is one of the most misunderstood and least accepted disabilities.
People can see some physical disabilities....and they are less hard on those folks then folks whose disabilities are not visible.
But here's something I did for my son, and it seemed to help. In this day and age, many simply can't tell time! That is, they can't tell time with an analog clock, since everything is digital If they see a display on their computer or phone that says, 7:58 and they need to leave at 8:00, they don't realize how close it is until 8:00. They are still in the 7:00 range. With an analog, you see how close its getting to 8:00.
I don't buy that--- People quickly learn how long it takes to be somewhere. Two minutes to walk to their next class, five minutes left to finish the test, and so forth. Digital clocks still count down the minutes. If one can count to one to ten, you can see a digital clock go from 7:50 to 7:59. Most kids watch sports at some point, they see the clock count down.
My husband is a compulsively late person. He can certainly tell time. When things weren't so digital, I would set the clocks ahead without his knowledge when we had to be somewhere on time.
As for the OP's situation. Yes, you do need to just let go. I had to do that to my sister a couple of times each year when we were growing up. I would just leave her---then she would be really good about getting up for a several months. To this day I despise waking people up. Just get up--you know you have to be somewhere.
Here's how my dad broke me of it: he left me alone.
He stopped waking me up.
He left me at home, when he used to take me to school.
He left me at home, instead of taking me to work.
The first time I woke up late, and went running through the house to find him to yell at him, he was gone. I was flabbergasted. I tried calling him at work and he wouldn't answer.
I missed that day of school because I had no way of getting there. When he got home, I blamed him for it, and he shrugged me off. He said, "You've made me late to my job too many times now, and I can't afford to lose my job, this house, or my car. So if you can't get up on your own, you can fail, and not graduate. I no longer care. It's your life to screw up or not, but you're not going to screw up mine, too."
Boy was I pissed. But I got my ass up the next day. And instead of taking me to school, he made me walk to the bus stop. I argued with him because I was up! But he said, "I don't trust you anymore to not make me late. It's time for you to get your own way to school."
I was not officially diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, but I know I have one or the other. I was a rotten kid and my poor parents went through hell with me.
But when they had had enough, it was over, and if I wanted to graduate, I had to do it on my own.
That's some tough parenting right there! A lot of parents look at raising kids with the mindset of "If they fail, I fail" and tend to coddle their kids more for fear that they will eventually be punished due to their kid's failures in life.
I don't buy that--- People quickly learn how long it takes to be somewhere. Two minutes to walk to their next class, five minutes left to finish the test, and so forth. Digital clocks still count down the minutes. If one can count to one to ten, you can see a digital clock go from 7:50 to 7:59. Most kids watch sports at some point, they see the clock count down.
My husband is a compulsively late person. He can certainly tell time. When things weren't so digital, I would set the clocks ahead without his knowledge when we had to be somewhere on time.
As for the OP's situation. Yes, you do need to just let go. I had to do that to my sister a couple of times each year when we were growing up. I would just leave her---then she would be really good about getting up for a several months. To this day I despise waking people up. Just get up--you know you have to be somewhere.
Exactly!! I refuse to have to wake up a grown ass person simply because they "sleep through their alarm clock". I'm glad my kids got over that early in their childhood!
Don't remind her. Ever. Let her be late. Let her miss stuff. Natural consequences.
After about a week of this, she will begin to care.
I've been getting myself up and into the shower since I was in 4th grade, and not without drama. People do it every day, even heavy sleepers.
Gotta say I'm going with this answer. Had to learn this (as a parent) myself when the kid took on a volunteer job at 17 that required the child to wake just before 5 am in order to get herself there on time. Nope, wasn't going do it, wasn't going to continuing being the alarm clock for the rest of the time she was living at home. It worked, she got it.
I don't buy that--- People quickly learn how long it takes to be somewhere. Two minutes to walk to their next class, five minutes left to finish the test, and so forth. Digital clocks still count down the minutes. If one can count to one to ten, you can see a digital clock go from 7:50 to 7:59. Most kids watch sports at some point, they see the clock count down.
My husband is a compulsively late person. He can certainly tell time. When things weren't so digital, I would set the clocks ahead without his knowledge when we had to be somewhere on time.
As for the OP's situation. Yes, you do need to just let go. I had to do that to my sister a couple of times each year when we were growing up. I would just leave her---then she would be really good about getting up for a several months. To this day I despise waking people up. Just get up--you know you have to be somewhere.
Eh, with ADHD, you usually underestimate how long things take, even if you’ve done them before, especially since you don’t know to account for distractions that pop up. Again, something to try and learn to work around, but not something necessarily natural to someone with this condition.
She can't do that, at least not in Texas. They will come after the parent for not getting her to school. I know, it happened to me. My advice, wait until she turns 18, it will happen soon enough. Meanwhile, buy her an alarm clock, and a watch. The day she turns 18, just DROP the whole issue. If she doesn't get to work/school.wherever on time, those are her problems, not yours.
But here's something I did for my son, and it seemed to help. In this day and age, many simply can't tell time! That is, they can't tell time with an analog clock, since everything is digital If they see a display on their computer or phone that says, 7:58 and they need to leave at 8:00, they don't realize how close it is until 8:00. They are still in the 7:00 range. With an analog, you see how close its getting to 8:00.
I bought ds two watches, digital and analog, and two clocks, digital and analog. that way he can see the relationship between times. I think its starting to work, at least it seems he has more awareness of where he's at time wise and how much more time he has to go. BTW, my son is age 20, still trying to learn to tell time! But regardless, I don't bother, if I'm going somewhere at 8:00 and he's coming along, I don't even say its now time to leave. I just get in the car and leave. Not my problem
I have said this for years. Teaching a child to tell time is much like teaching one to tie their shoes. It takes time and practice. Some learn quickly but some take longer and the parent/parent figure must spend time teaching; and some parents don't have the time or the patience.
I'm an adult, have been for a long time, don't have ADHD and I have trouble equating how much time I have left when looking at a digital vs. an analog clock.
I do, however, believe that starting the day by having to continually convince someone that it's getting late is too stressful for anyone. A gently firm discussion about what happens tomorrow is in order. "The car/bus/plane leaves promptly at X:XX. If you're not ready, it goes anyway so I hope you're on it but if not, deal with it."
My 17 year old daughter has no concept of time and is late to almost everything, class, parties, even events she plans and wants to go to. I’ve tried talking with her about how this is a really bad habit that will affect her performance in school, future jobs, relationships, etc. She seems remorseful and genuinely doesn’t want to be “that person” who’s always late, but she just can’t seem to plan well enough to be on time. She has always been an extremely hard sleeper so she doesn’t hear an alarm and it’s difficult to wake her up on a school morning, but she has been motivated on occasion to wake herself up when there’s someplace she really wants to go. She lingers in bed and takes her sweet time getting ready during the week. I’ve tried getting her up earlier, but it doesn’t seem to matter because she uses the extra time to dilly-dally and still runs late. She has no concept of time and I have to remind her multiple times it’s getting late and we have to leave to get to school on time. She has ADHD, so planning and time management have always been an issue for her, but the real world isn’t going to care about her issues, she’ll still needs to be on time to class or a job. However she’s an A student. I’ve tried working with her on this by helping her back into how much time she needs to get ready, how long it takes to drive somewhere, etc. She still doesn’t get it.
I need suggestions. How do I help her? I’m tired of being her alarm clock and in a year she’s going to be in college (but living at home). I need effective consequences that will break her of this habit so she can start managing her own time. I will listen to any and all suggestions What kind of object lessons might help?
She has the concept. Of course she gets it. She just doesn't care. You know the consequences. Missing school, not driving her, not having dinner made if she's late, blah blah blah.
She knows she gets away with it because she's a special snowflake who pulls in A grades.
I had a son like that.
As soon as consequences happened, he improved.
And he actually had a clinical ADD diagnosis but he KNEW how to manage it without medication. Which is kind of tricky.
IMO, they're disrespecting others. If it's something she wants BADLY enough she'll get there, right? It's not the same as not being able to organize your baseball cards without Ritalin.
ESPECIALLY if you're even waking her up!
WHY is she lingering in bed? Up all night? I bet you money, YEP!
Take away the televison, the computer and the phone. Refuse to drive her anywhere until she responsibly gets up and ready correctly and arrives at her destination early. If she drives take away the car.
Then she can sit in the dark or read a book till 10PM so she won't be so ~exhausted ~ LOL.
It's not hard. It's just totally annoying to deal with their reaction of getting proper parenting that we let them get away with until they were almost grown.
You can literally just ground her. I strongly advise you AGAINST allowing her to attend any away school or live on campus. Will be a fatal error in your wallet and her college career!
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