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Whyever would you discuss it? Isn't having kids a given? Aren't you molded into believing that's just part of your life.
Aren't you told from the moment of birth that WHEN you get married, WHEN you have children....it's never IF you get married, IF you have children....
if your spouse, or SO, doesn't want them maybe they're quiet because their choice wouldn't be "falling in line" with the mainstream? Maybe they don't voice their wishes because they may loose the one they love who considers children more important than them? (Although they'd be better off)
Lots of reasons why some don't just stand up and say "I am not interested in
being a parent".
Why discuss it? Is this a serious question? I grew up in an unconventional household... perhaps that is why I didn't think children and marriage were destined to be a part of my future. I never made an assumption that marriage and children were just a part of life (mine or anyone else's). Then again, I have an attitude problem... I'm not a believer in conforming (I've always been a little "different" so to speak). So, in MY house, the word IF would be used in reference to my children decide to marry instead of WHEN.
You are right, it is possible one might lose the one you love if you discuss children (if one wants children and the other doesn't). But who am I to deprive the man I love of children if that's what he wants? I would rather he find someone who can give this gift than make him settle for what I want (theoretically speaking). A spouse has a right to know certain things about the person they are going to marry. Why get married then say, "Oh, by the way, children... not going to happen." I call it full disclosure. Marriage is easier when the spouses have similar goals (in a general sense) and children is a "goal" for some people but not all. We can't assume that people want the same thing, right?
Why discuss it? Is this a serious question? I grew up in an unconventional household... perhaps that is why I didn't think children and marriage were destined to be a part of my future. I never made an assumption that marriage and children were just a part of life (mine or anyone else's). Then again, I have an attitude problem... I'm not a believer in conforming (I've always been a little "different" so to speak). So, in MY house, the word IF would be used in reference to my children decide to marry instead of WHEN.
You are right, it is possible one might lose the one you love if you discuss children (if one wants children and the other doesn't). But who am I to deprive the man I love of children if that's what he wants? I would rather he find someone who can give this gift than make him settle for what I want (theoretically speaking). A spouse has a right to know certain things about the person they are going to marry. Why get married then say, "Oh, by the way, children... not going to happen." I call it full disclosure. Marriage is easier when the spouses have similar goals (in a general sense) and children is a "goal" for some people but not all. We can't assume that people want the same thing, right?
I'm glad you grew up in an unconventional household but most grow up in a conventional home where the word is "when".....so that's why the surprises after the wedding...way too much ASSuming.....
The discussion of having children was definitely addressed before we got to the proposal stage. DH knew it was an all or nothing for me. Considering that he had never wanted children before, when he made the commitment to including children in his proposal, I knew he was serious and took my desire to be a mother seriously as well.
I'm amazed by the number of people we know personally who never had this discussion either (or brushed it aside) only to find a few years later that it was a major bone of contention in their marriages. For at least 3 of our friends, it's a definite dark shadow in their relationships.
I think most couples do talk about it, but honestly, when 20- or even 25-year-olds say "we do'nt want kids," they do'nt realize that as they grow up a bit and experience some life, one or both of them might decide that they do in fact want kids! At the same time, I think many couples might say "ok, we'll have kids in 10 years." Well, 10 years goes by and then they do'nt want to make the changes that having a family will entail. Or else maybe they marry at 25, then 10 years later are in their mid-30s and having fertility problems, and one partner says "wait, I don't want to go as far as IVF!" Or what have you.
To not talk about it at all, though, would be ludicrous! I can't imagine NOT wanting children, though, so that's where I'm coming from. I met my husband at 15, we got married when I was 20, and had my son a little over 2 years later... then had my daughter 2 years after that. We disagreed a little over whether to have another, got pregnant, had a miscarriage and then decided that we were done. But I suppose the disagreement could have gone either way....
My husband and I are one of the couples who do not agree on kids.
We USED to agree that kids might be something we were interested in, but we both leaned towards NOT having kids.
We got married young(ish) - I was 25, he was almost 30.
Then we got a dog, and I realized for the first time in 28 years that I had real maternal instincts. Then my biological clock kicked in and I started to think that I might want to be a Mother.
It would have been totally different if I had always known that I wanted to be a parent - then of course it would have been an important discussion and a deal breaker. But I am still trying to grapple with the idea of having kids at 30. He still leans towards 'no'. I now lean towards 'yes'. Neither of us are absoulte in either direction.
Yes it is a difficult subject at the moment and I don't know how it will turn out.
Either my husband and I will have a child/ children, or my husband and I won't.
What won't happen is that we will split up over this. I choose him above all else and that's the end of it.
It's not a deal breaker for me, but it's something that I hope happens - or that I don't end up really regretting not having children later in life.
Yes, couples should discuss all the important issues such as kids, finances and where to live well before they talk about marriage. But minds can change and if you aren't someone who feels strongly about something at 25, doesn't mean you won't feel strongly about it at 30.
If anything, people should get married older - maybe the legal age for marriage should be set at 32, that should give biolgical clocks plenty of time to kick in! Lol.
Not every girl grows up knowing that they want to get married and have children. Those that do are lucky that they know what they want and can plan around it! The rest of us have to evolve as we go!
We started to talk about kids within the first month of our relationship, though we haven't talk about choosing names yet apart from a few ideals, but nothing serious yet.
my husband and I had discussed it some when we first started dating (we were 18 at the time we got together and 20 when we got married) at that age kids weren't really on our mind we were more for having fun, hanging out with friends and not worried as much about that. Just recently (we're 25 now) we've discussed it and feel we are ready for one kid. It all depends on the person, my husband had made it clear he didn't want kids at all when we were younger, but the longer we've been together he's changed his mind to the point of wanting a child. So its hard to tell I think before your married because you grow in a marriage and people and opinions change all the time
Yes it is a difficult subject at the moment and I don't know how it will turn out.
Either my husband and I will have a child/ children, or my husband and I won't.
What won't happen is that we will split up over this. I choose him above all else and that's the end of it.
This is the case for us as well. It is not a deal breaker for every couple. We believe in marriage for life. Beyond that, we're very in love and deeply committed to each other. Can you really love someone but then march out the door because you aren't getting what you want?
My husband really wants kids. I very much do not. But I would be willing to have them for him. And he would be willing to not have them for me. As long as we continue to communicate, and respect each other's viewpoint, there's no reason not to value our marriage above this disagreement.
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Yes, couples should discuss all the important issues such as kids, finances and where to live well before they talk about marriage. But minds can change and if you aren't someone who feels strongly about something at 25, doesn't mean you won't feel strongly about it at 30.
Another good point. We agreed on no children, at least so I thought, and my husband changed his mind. Despite comments I clearly remember him making while we dated about not wanting children, he now claims he has always wanted them, and assumed that no matter what I said, that I did too. It could have easily been the other way around, since I got married at 22. You can't map your entire marriage before it happens.
I think in the Plains and Midwest the culture seems to be different. It seems like a lot of people have kids at young ages. I would say it is quite common for many to have kids at 20-25 if not younger. I don't think a lot of people have the understanding how expensive it is to have kids in this day and age. Then you have many people who are perfectly content to have a pet or multiple pets.
I'm another one of those who discussed the child issue many times with my ex husband (of course, pre-marriage.) He said he definitely wanted one or two. Since I was slightly older at that time (in my mid-30s,) one or two sounded great to me. I have always known I wanted a child or children, but couldn't find the right man to marry until then (or so I thought.) Several years went by and my biological clock was booming. Every few months I'd ask if we could start trying yet. Every time, there was some reason why not. My 40th birthday came (we had been married 3 years by then) and I sat him down and asked him WHEN are we going to start trying???? He said, "You know, I guess maybe I don't want to have any kids." Talk about angry . Our relationship went quickly downhill. I would not have married him had I known this ahead of time. You do NOT mess with a woman whose biological clock is winding down. We divorced and in the next year, I considered adopting on my own.
Then, miraculously, I met a recently divorced man whose wife did the same thing to him that my first husband did to me. So, we went into our relationship knowing that we both really really wanted kids. We married when I was 42 and immediately began trying for pregnancy. Due to my age, my doctor suggested we both get tested to see if either of us had fertility issues. As it was, we did. We had already talked about adoption (due to my 'advanced maternal age') and both of us were willing to consider that. We did try IVF three times and were unsuccessful on all three attempts. I am now thankful that the IVF did not work because we later ended up adopting two of the most precious little girls who are now 3 and 5. I truly cannot imagine having any other children.
So, in the end, I did get my wish of having a family and my wonderful hubby got his wish, too, even though we both had to go through prior marriages to get here
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. Our relationship went quickly downhill. I would not have married him had I known this ahead of time. You do NOT mess with a woman whose biological clock is winding down. We divorced and in the next year, I considered adopting on my own.
. Due to my age, my doctor suggested we both get tested to see if either of us had fertility issues. As it was, we did. We had already talked about adoption (due to my 'advanced maternal age'
) and both of us were willing to consider that. We did try IVF three times and were unsuccessful on all three attempts. I am now thankful that the IVF did not work because we later ended up adopting two of the most precious little girls who are now 3 and 5. I truly cannot imagine having any other children.
