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There will always be ignorance and that just the way some things are, but I think most people are accepting that as long as there is love that’s all that matters. My children have several friends that have same sex parents and don’t think anything of it. They were also raised not to see a difference in the color of someone’s skin, but to see each person as unique.
What would I say if I was in your situation? I’d say “My child has two parents that love each other and love their child”! Then smile.
I have 3 kids, ages 6, 10, and 12. We are a traditional family w/ Mom and Dad married, and we live in NC.
I'm not aware of any classmates or friends of my children whose parents are same-sex. My kids are aware of same-sex couples, though. Our across-the-street neighbors are two gay men. I have a cousin who is a lesbian, as well as a family friend. So, that is very normal to them. It just so happens that none of them has any children but I don't think my kids would think anything of it, if they did.
About five years ago, there was a proposed law in NC that would have been a constitutional amendment to our state constitution, defining marriage as one man/one woman. It prompted a lot of yard signs, "Amendment One" and I remember explaining the issue to my two older kids. They were both confused as to why it was a question at all, I assume due to their exposure to same sex couples as a normal part of human communities.
We are a same-sex (transracial to boot!) family that lives in a politically moderate area, so not Brooklyn or San Francisco . Our daughter is in elementary school, and by all accounts is an amazing package of a child. She's comfortable with who she is and where she comes from (adopted at birth), and is quite the social butterfly. The time has come for her class- and teammates to start asking questions about where her mom is, or how it's even possible she has two dads. This is happening more and more, and when it does, any nearby parents are usually red-faced, not knowing what to say, or frankly what we will say. We generally stand out wherever we go (double-edged sword), so we are used to people looking at us, but the kids questions are something we weren't entirely prepared for. Our daughter's questions, yes, but not other kids.
To my point: If your kids (any age) have friends or classmates who have two moms or dads, have you or other parents you know had a conversation about it with your kids, either positive or negative? If so, from a straight parent perspective, what has been said? Are you aware of other parents restricting playdates or sleepovers with them? I'm intensely curious what is said behind closed doors when those same-sex families aren't in earshot.
Nothing like an anonymous internet forum for honest, unvarnished comments, so hopefully people will be honest and not "I don't see color or sex," because everyone sees color and sex!
Being a transracial family has its own obstacles, but relative to explaining why Mary has two dads, I assume that is a cakewalk.
A friend of mine is a white Jewish woman married to a Haitian Christian woman. They have a daughter. She has all that PLUS an interfaith relationship!
(They attend a Reform Temple on Friday night and attend an Episcopal Church on Sunday (the Jewish mother sings in the choir on Sunday mornings) They have had a few misunderstandings happen to them because the white mother gave birth to the child and the child is white. Someone once assumed her wife was the nanny.
My first experience as a parent was when my daughter was five and we had a male-male couple in our church who had two adopted children. Their son was rather rambunctious and a year or two younger than my daughter.
One day she said to me, "Who is Adam's mother?" I said, "Adam doesn't have a mother. He has two dads." She said, "Well can you tell WHOEVER is in charge of him to stop knocking down my tower? Every time I build a tower with the blocks, he comes by and knocks it down and I want him to stop."
She didn't really ask questions about it any further. Kids are accepting. I also do live in a more progressive area, so that is a difference.
The adults are the ones with the problems, but hopefully you have some mature people in your neighborhood who will teach their children well. In all likelihood, you will also have some who are not accepting, and you are going to have to decide how much you will allow that to bother you, and also what you will teach your daughter about such people. She, however, may be the one who ends up doing the teaching, sounds like.
Guys, this thread is not about what word to use when. The definition of "transracial" has been answered and anymore discussion about it is off topic and will be deleted.
One day she said to me, "Who is Adam's mother?" I said, "Adam doesn't have a mother. He has two dads." She said, "Well can you tell WHOEVER is in charge of him to stop knocking down my tower? Every time I build a tower with the blocks, he comes by and knocks it down and I want him to stop."
ha, funny!
Agree that kids are accepting of what's in front of them. My son grew up understanding that there are different types of families - some with a mom and dad, some that are mom and kid(s) like ours or dad and kid(s), some with 2 moms or 2 dads and so on. It just kind of was, it wasn't really something that warranted a whole lot of discussion.
Our 7 year old said "I know all about it" when it was attempted to explain it to her. She knows plenty of kids with 2 moms or 2 dads at school. She makes absolutely no judgement of it.
travelguy, I don't have any answers as I am not parenting, but I hope you enjoy this story:
My niece attended a preschool in an area where there were many different types of families. My sister and brother in law didn't explicitly talk to her about these things, they just figured she would work it all out. One day she came home and seemed upset. When my sister asked her what was wrong, niece said "Braden has TWO daddies!" and started crying. My sister was horrified, thinking that she had done poorly to prepare her daughter for the world, and that my niece was somehow upset/confused by same-sex couples. So my sister starts a speech on different family types, and my niece interrupts her with a furrowed brow. Niece said, "Mommy, you don't understand--it is unfair! Why do I only have ONE daddy!"
How do the Kardashians explain their family? There's 4 kids from Bruce's first marriage, then two from his marriage with Chris, then the 4 from Chris's first marriage .. . . And then a divorce and now Caitlyn. So the family is a 'His, hers, and ours'.
So they had two moms and two dads.. . Well some of them did. Now they have 3 moms? !!
Anyway, lLove is love. Acceptance is the key.
My children are all grown, some with children of their own. I suppose I would handle this situation as I handled every other situation when they were growing up. I led by example. I made sure that my children never saw me treat anyone with disdain or anything other than kindness and acceptance.
I would say though, that you likely have a wonderful opportunity to offer to talk to small groups of parents or parents and their children about your lives and your family. And, your strong self assured children will make great strides in leading people away from discrimination.
What the ideal might be, is different but accepted. We all want acceptance.
Not that this is a perfect example for your situation....But it is from my life and it is true. Sometimes you have to be proactive in educating your children's peers.
That is what I had to do when my child who has a disability was continuing to be blamed for any incident on the local playground, even if he was not outside, and other children would not include him when playing..... This was in the early 90's, when having a disability was still not an acceptable norm.
I decided to go talk to the children at the playground and explain about his disability and appeal to their own understanding of what it might feel like to be friendless because of something that they couldn't help.
It helped the children immensely. Sad to say, it didn't seem to change how many parents felt......who in actuality were among the worst culprits, with their life long prejudices imo.
sleep overs:
as parent(s) at some point you have to let your child start to enter the world themselves.
-have an open dialogue with the parents supervising the sleep over, yes you have to talk to them
-your children can see how other functional families operate
-test that your child stands up for proper values
much later down the line how will you as parents feel if your child wants to bring a serious love of their life home? this will happen.
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. Our daughter is in elementary school, and by all accounts is an amazing package of a child. She's comfortable with who she is and where she comes from (adopted at birth), and is quite the social butterfly. The time has come for her class- and teammates to start asking questions about where her mom is, or how it's even possible she has two dads. This is happening more and more, and when it does, any nearby parents are usually red-faced, not knowing what to say, or frankly what we will say. We generally stand out wherever we go (double-edged sword), so we are used to people looking at us, but the kids questions are something we weren't entirely prepared for. Our daughter's questions, yes, but not other kids.
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