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Hi all, I could really use some advice because I'm conflicted, emotional, 39 weeks pregnant and not thinking clearly.
I have a scheduled csection in a few days because baby is frank breech. This is the first for hubby and I and also the first grandchild on both sides of the family. So needless to say grandparents are over the moon and eager to get their hands on baby.
After talking to friends who have had csection and reading stories online, it seems the first day can be pretty rough after surgery. I decided that it would be best for me to not have any visitors the first day. I wanted one day to recover, bond with baby and to feel a little bit like myself again. I'm going to be in the hospital for 4 days so plenty of time for people to drop by. I don't think asking for one day is unreasonable and hubby agrees with me. considering it is major surgery and I'm a new mom, I hoped and expected people to respect my wishes. It's one freaking day afterall!
Well. The grandparents reacted extremely badly. I broke the news to my parents and was told I was being extremely 'selfish and cruel' to keep baby away from them. My mom broke down in tears and made me feel so bad and so guilty. Hubby told his parents and they got into a yelling match. Basically everyone is unhappy and that is the very last thing I want. This is suppose to be a happy occasion and no one is happy.
I don't know what to do. On one hand, I really really really want to be left alone the first day. On the other hand, I don't want to make the grandparents unhappy. I just so wish they understood and would respect what I want. Again, I'm asking for one day. Just one. I feel resentful that I have to put my feelings aside to appease others. I feel guilty for keeping baby to ourselves for a day.
What do you guys think? Should I cause unhappiness and arguments so I get my day? Or just give in?
I should also mention the grandparents don't even plan on giving me a few hours to recover alone. The second the nurses say it's ok, they will be in the room. It hasn't even happened and I feel overwhelmed and anxious already.
Am I wrong to want this? I'm just so conflicted. Please advice!
I delivered twins via C-section the first time and had a spinal block. I had to lie flat on my back for several hours, and I vaguely remember one of my MIL's friends standing over me, yammering on about something. I was still so out of it, I really had no idea.
My second delivery was also a C-section but only with an epidural, and my recovery was easier. But I still had one day that my nurses kept non-family visitors out of the room. Even so, the grandparents came and went freely.
It's too late to ease your stress on this, I'm afraid. You are already very worked up. It's really unfortunate that the grandparents are all acting this way. It's kind of shocking, really.
But I don't think it's necessary to totally keep them AWAY the first day. IN fact, I don't know anyone who kept the grandparents OUT. I did enjoy having my mom in there to also take care of ME that day. But they tried to be respectful of my condition. You ARE a patient in a hospital, after all. Yes, there is a new baby, but they do need to keep that in mind.
I think your husband needs to set the tone with them. He needs to talk to his parents again and tell them that the goal is for you and the baby's health and safety. They will have a lifetime with the grandchild, but you will only get a few days of care in the hospital.
I would tell them that they can visit the first day, but if they can't get a grip they will be asked to see the baby through the nursery window.
We had a similar situation with our first baby: a parade of visitors the first few days after the baby was born. It was overwhelming because it felt like it didn't occur to anyone that I really needed to rest, recover, and get the hang of nursing. After that, with our second and third children, we didn't tell anyone the babies had been born until we were settled in at home for a day or so. Mean? Probably. But I learned first time around that the last thing I needed or wanted was visitors for the first few days.
Thank you. Yes, you're both right. Of course the grandparents should be there. I think I'm just panicking a little bit and getting worked up over the little things. I just never expected I would need a csection, my emotions are just everywhere
We had a similar situation with our first baby: a parade of visitors the first few days after the baby was born. It was overwhelming because it felt like it didn't occur to anyone that I really needed to rest, recover, and get the hang of nursing. After that, with our second and third child, we didn't tell anyone the babies had been born until we were settled in at home for a day or so. Mean? Probably. But I learned first time around that the last thing I needed or wanted was visitors for the first few days.
I think if we have more babies and it doesn't work out with visitors this time, this is exactly what I'm going to do the next time around.
Thank you. Yes, you're both right. Of course the grandparents should be there. I think I'm just panicking a little bit and getting worked up over the little things. I just never expected I would need a csection, my emotions are just everywhere
It's not the worst thing in the world to have a C-section. I know it can be difficult to accept, and some moms feel disappointed that they couldn't go through traditional delivery. But it's just logistics. The important thing is that they can do what is best for both you and the baby.
If you want, you can express (in private) your concerns to the nurses who are caring for you. Let them know that you may need an advocate if grandparents get overly excited. They can step in and play the "bad guy"' as well. Hopefully it won't come to that and you are just anticipating the worst-case scenario.
It's not the worst thing in the world to have a C-section. I know it can be difficult to accept, and some moms feel disappointed that they couldn't go through traditional delivery. But it's just logistics. The important thing is that they can do what is best for both you and the baby.
If you want, you can express (in private) your concerns to the nurses who are caring for you. Let them know that you may need an advocate if grandparents get overly excited. They can step in and play the "bad guy"' as well. Hopefully it won't come to that and you are just anticipating the worst-case scenario.
At the core of all this is a fear that I won't be the first person to hold baby. I'm afraid that the surgery and drugs are going to make me so out of it that I won't be able to hold the baby and everyone else will be able to bond with him before I get the chance to. ive spoken to my doctor about the whole process and was reassured and as long as everything goes smoothly, I'll be able to do skin to skin and even nurse baby right away. But even then all these worries and insecurities are eating away at me.
My parents are reasonable, considerate people. And I've never had a problem with my in laws. I'm sure everyone will be understanding when the time comes. I guess it's just hard to stop all the negative thinking once it starts. The closer I get to the date, the more anxious I'm feeling.
I'll be the voice of dissent, you have every right to tell other set of "grandparents" to not visit that first day, but on second day. Your emotions will be high, you've no idea how out of it post surgery (side effects to being put under??) time of day the birth happened too.
Ive had my boys delivered by c sections both times, but under very different circumstances. First one wasn't planned c section but ended up as emergency c section at 7am after being in vaginal labor for 30 HOURS! so I was pretty much out of it post op (vomiting from side effects of having epidural and spinal block) and omg once my pain meds wore off, I felt like I was run over by a monster jam truck. I had trouble latching my son for nursing too that day, so I was feeling way out of it from lack of sleep, frustration and DH had the foresight to tell our parents to stop by next day. We didn't plan that way, as initially told them they were welcome to visit after we've had the baby first day.
your surgery may not even be scheduled until much later that day, and you really need those few hours to rest and adjust. Of course you do have the option to change your mind about visiting if you feel settled.
My second c section was planned for 8am that day, it was in middle of flu season on one of coldest day of the year. Even though I felt far better in the aftermath compared to my first, we didn't have any visitors including our oldest son to see his younger brother until next day as well.
stick to your guns. This is really your only chance to bond as a couple first time over your newborn before the craziness of visitors and the like. Not to mention I remember being very uncomfortable with my heavy bleeding.
Well, a nurse wil probably be the first to hold your baby
You DO need to let go of some of these ideas that are putting enormous pressure on you.
You WILL bond with your child. It will all work out. Women have been having babies for thousand of years, and you will kill yourself with worry by sticking to the idea that you must follow some checklist on the day of your baby's birth.
Learn really go with the flow, and you will be a happier mom with a happier baby. You are going to hear SO many horror stories from well-meaning people. Just learn to trust your gut.
The nurses do this every day. They know who to bring that baby to!
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