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My ex and I divorced five years ago. She got custody and I have "free and liberal" visitation. I was so distraught at the time that I gave her whatever she asked for and I "ran away" to Florida. Well, since then she's moved to NC (which I don't want to move to) and I haven't seen my kids in 4 years
If I try to get custody of them (maybe in the summer when they're not in school) do you think it would be bad for them. I just see no other way to have a relationship with my kids while living so far apart.
Any adivse or experience with something like this? I don't have much money, but all the 'free' or help centers I've seen are only for Moms. Does anyone know of an organization?
Oh, the kids are 5 and 8 as of this year.
Some of this doesn't make sense to me. As long as you were paying child support and were awarded visitation- It was ILLEGAL for your ex to "run away" to another state with your children in the first place. Even if she was given primary custody (as she was) as long as the children's other parent (you) is awarded visitation-the custodial parent does not have the right to move the kids away, unless the court grants it to her. It is not often that the court will grant permission for a parent to move with kids as long as their father is interested in being a part of the children's lives. This may be a little rude- but why did you wait till now to pursue this?
But aside from that I do not think it would be unfair to seek summertime visitation with them. I think this would benefit your kids, not harm them.I do however think it is harmful when parents battle it out to win "joint custody" this literally means the child/children have to uproot there lives in the middle of the school week, every week.If they were really worried about the kids they would arrange something less disruptive. But I think your wish to see them while school is out is a good way to ease back in, especially since you live so far away.
I don't know of any organizations to help you-but I good place to start might be asking the employees at the place where you go to pay child support. They may get these kind of ??'s alot.I understand not having money, however an attorney (if you could ever save to get one) would be much faster, efficient and better about defending your rights, as opposed to using the public systems.
My ex and I divorced five years ago. She got custody and I have "free and liberal" visitation. I was so distraught at the time that I gave her whatever she asked for and I "ran away" to Florida. Well, since then she's moved to NC (which I don't want to move to) and I haven't seen my kids in 4 years
If I try to get custody of them (maybe in the summer when they're not in school) do you think it would be bad for them. I just see no other way to have a relationship with my kids while living so far apart.
Any adivse or experience with something like this? I don't have much money, but all the 'free' or help centers I've seen are only for Moms. Does anyone know of an organization?
Oh, the kids are 5 and 8 as of this year.
Sorry for not reading all of the posts so I might touch on something someone else did.
I would not try to go for the custody of the summer only because A- you might not get it, in a way being a "absentee father" (I know that sounds harsh, but not seeing your kids for 4 years...in a way, it is what you are) I mean, for 4 years there couldn't have been any money saved to go and see at least once a year???????? B- you are a stranger, whether or not the father. Having phone calls and email contact is something I might do with a cousin. Not a parent. I don't think it would be good to take the kids away from the parent (mother) that has been there throughout the years, and to whisk the kids to your area for a summer, minus the parent.
I would try to start off with a better relationship with the children. If i had to, I would get 3 jobs in order to have some savings. I would go up there and visit the children- of course staying in a hotel to make it nice and slow. You have to slowly be re-introduced to the children. This needs to be about the children, not about you.They need to feel comfortable with you, your ex needs to feel comfortable with your living arrangements, before they are to go to you.
I would try to start off with a better relationship with the children. If i had to, I would get 3 jobs in order to have some savings. I would go up there and visit the children- of course staying in a hotel to make it nice and slow. You have to slowly be re-introduced to the children. This needs to be about the children, not about you.They need to feel comfortable with you, your ex needs to feel comfortable with your living arrangements, before they are to go to you.
I don't think you should go for custody. That's just crazy to me. 4 years? You're a stanger to those children. I don't buy the lack of money. Sorry, I don't- 4 years and you couldn't make enough? 4 years and you couldn't borrow money?
Sorry, I have an ex husband who hasn't paid,called,saw my children in 2 years. If he suddenly decided he wanted custody I would laugh in his face, as would a judge.
It's great you've been paying CS apparently but there's just no excuse for not seeing them. I mean, think about this now, you are wanting to take children who don't know you from Adam and take them away fom their mother who they have seen everyday for years. Do you really think that's good for children? I think the children would be very distraught having to go see a total stranger. My suggestion for you would be to bust your butt doing whatever you must in order to have the finances to see the children more, communicate in any way you can as much as you can( birthdays and christmas don't cut it) and then I think a judge would look more favorably on your request.
I've had time to read the post since replying last night. I'm glad to read that you are at least speaking to the kids on the phone but unfortunatly, the fact is that you have not seen them in a long time and if you had the same judge(s) the person I know has had, you will be lucky to have anything more then a few hours visits until the children warmed up to you and were comfortable around you. I can not stress how the judge(s) seem to side with the women in NC, as I mentioned, going so far as to hold "secret" court dates where you would not have time to even get your act together.
I mentioned getting a 2nd job & will tell you that until I am blue in the face. If you work 5 days a week, there is no reason why you can't get a job during the weekends or at night and one day on weekends. If you do this, you will be able to have money put aside for an attorney which you will eventually need. I can tell you who not to get in Stanley County.
I understand you want summer visitation as the person I know wanted a week then and a week during the holidays but he is not so lucky. Since he only sees his child every 2 months the judge doesn't feel he has the right to visit with his child alone / out of state because in the judges opinion, he doesn't know the child. He has scheduled phone calls, I don't know how often he does get to talk to his child as it's hit & miss. I've seen him with his child and there is no reason he should not see his child as the child enjoys seeing him & spending time with him. The mother claims the child cries, that I do not believe but the court doesn't seem to question it. He unlike you has been in the childs life, the last 2/3 years living out of state; so you have an idea of what you may be in for.
Divorce stinks. I don't know why some women have to be sneaky; unless at the time she felt she had to, I don't know what I would do in that situation. I do know I would never use a power of attorney like that as I would be afraid of the law coming at me and had someone done that to me, my attorney would be all over them. You made some bad choices with drinking and not seeing your kids and need to slowly start coming into their lives, spending time with them. Hopefully, if you show you are there seeing them, your ex will say it's ok to take them for a week in the summer. If it turns into longer great but right now I don't think I would push for more until you've been seeing them regularly.
In a year you can think to legally get a modification done, including having child support taken from your pay. While I applaud you for "paying more" you really need to look at the child support calculator on the page I linked to to make sure it is what NC deems right. The person I know is paying close to $600 per month for one child. I've had to have a modification to my 1st divorce agreement, with me being allowed to claim my child on taxes as back then it was the non custodial getting the deduction. If your ex is not married she is able to claim head of household with you claiming the kids. If you're doing so good with support, there is no reason you should not get the deduction. If she has remarried, either each of you claims one child each year or you claim both every other year. The modification did not cost much, a few hundred $$. My ex did not contest it from what I remember.
Please take things slow and do not get in your ex's face. Plan to move closer as you mentioned so that you can see them regularly. As for your sexual prefs, I really don't think it's a big deal. If your ex is freaked by it, put it in writing that you will not have a man sleep over your house when you have the kids. Visit them as much as you can, work extra jobs and do some sucking up to your ex, hopefully within the next year you will get closer to the kids and be able to have them longer next summer when they know you. Next year you can legally do the modifications, which if you are a "better" father, the ex won't have problems with signing. It will be cheaper in the long run.
You made the mistake of running away and hopefully learned from it. Now you need to tell yourself that they are your children too and that you have a right to be in their lives. Actions speak louder then words, remember that. Document everything, every phone call whether you spoke to them or not; if you see them document that as well as your expenses.
btw, I would start researching attorneys now just in case you do need one.
If you feel you want to DM me, feel free. I don't want to post too much about the person I know but will share more info privatly.
I met an incredibly woman online. We got married after only 9 days. We had two children only ten mos apart. I now find that the woman has the I.Q. of a 13 yr. old. She is a danger to our children and she refuses to get any mental health help. If I leave her, she threatens to keep the kids. I can’t really afford to go out and hire a lawyer how can I get custody of my children? Please help if you can give any suggestions.......
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Move to North Carolina and be a real father to your children. Nothing is stopping you. Do what it takes, make whatever sacrifices need to be made. Those are your babies and they are growing up without you.
Last edited by laysayfair; 06-26-2008 at 11:43 PM..
Reason: add
There are attorneys who specialize in paternity rights, and it is a field that is growing by leaps and bounds. Even fathers who have signed away all their rights are able to reclaim time and custody with their kids.
I would say only good can come of it. It seems like your kids would see it as a desire for you to have them in your life, and be a part of their life, and bottom line shows that you care about your kids and having a relationship with them.
Find an attorney who specializes in paternity rights for divorced fathers, many offer a free first session, do that with 3 or 4 and you'll get a ton of information.
My ex and I divorced five years ago. She got custody and I have "free and liberal" visitation. I was so distraught at the time that I gave her whatever she asked for and I "ran away" to Florida. Well, since then she's moved to NC (which I don't want to move to) and I haven't seen my kids in 4 years
If I try to get custody of them (maybe in the summer when they're not in school) do you think it would be bad for them. I just see no other way to have a relationship with my kids while living so far apart.
Any adivse or experience with something like this? I don't have much money, but all the 'free' or help centers I've seen are only for Moms. Does anyone know of an organization?
Oh, the kids are 5 and 8 as of this year.
there is a law group and its for the Fathers rights. im not a man but i am a mother going through the same thing. my ex husband used a fathers rights organization to get custody of our daughter. i havent seen her in about a 1 yr. you should deffinitley keep in touch with your kids everyday and let them know you love them very much and your still in their lives. dont give up completley because thats what i did and i have no custody of my daughter. dont give her amunition to keep your kids from you. just give them a call everyday even if its just a quick i love you and how was your day. I hope this helps you.
Sounds like both you and the EX made some bad choices. I'm female and I can understand why your EX did what she did but that doesn't make it right. I think most people would have a hard time dealing with having children with someone only to find their partner was gay.
Start small and just see your kids. Get to know them. Do whatever you need to do to be able to be a part of their lives. Move, get a second job, whatever it takes. Think about this, if the situation were reversed would you honestly be able to send the kids away for a summer with your EX? You need to work on improving your relationship with the EX too. Like it or not, you will have a relationship with her as long as those kids are minors.
If you want a relationship with your kids, you need to make up with some of the people you hurt.
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Can anyone give me advice
