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Jealousy? Hurt? Depression? Each result in entirely different emotions with different outcomes. And I only mentioned three as an example (there are plenty more). I went through 3 years of my daughter's depression (when she was 15 - 18). Cutting, three attempts. What I learned is how much I did not and will never know. I needed help and therapy was difficult, grueling, but in the end an integral part to where she is today, a Captain in the Army as a Nurse, currently studying for her doctorate through an Army program. She wants to be a Nurse Practitioner in Mental Health.
I thought I knew that fine line of being a "normal" teenager with emotions versus something deeper and darker. I missed the deeper and darker until her 1st attempt.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Every group has subgroups. So if you've got a group of 6 girls in their "close friends group", there will be best friends within there, or groups of 3 who are more aligned with each other.
It's a delicate balance - sometimes, the entire group does stuff together. Sometimes, only the best friends get together to hang out.
But within that larger group, there are often girls who aren't in a "subgroup". That is, they're not best friends with a member, or don't belong to a very close "threesome". They're bouncing around within the group without an anchor - a girl who will make sure she's ALWAYS included when they do stuff.
Is your daughter in that position? She may not recognize that's the problem, but that causes panic and social alienation and feelings of abandonment because she doesn't really have a "grip" on the group.
Every group has subgroups. So if you've got a group of 6 girls in their "close friends group", there will be best friends within there, or groups of 3 who are more aligned with each other.
It's a delicate balance - sometimes, the entire group does stuff together. Sometimes, only the best friends get together to hang out.
But within that larger group, there are often girls who aren't in a "subgroup". That is, they're not best friends with a member, or don't belong to a very close "threesome". They're bouncing around within the group without an anchor - a girl who will make sure she's ALWAYS included when they do stuff.
Is your daughter in that position? She may not recognize that's the problem, but that causes panic and social alienation and feelings of abandonment because she doesn't really have a "grip" on the group.
This is exactly her problem. There is a group of three girls, one girl is 'the' girl that everyone wants to hang out with. My daughter gets excluded a lot. I have encouraged her to make other friends, let her know this will happen.
From what you posted she has a few friends who are now doing stuff without her. It happens. I don't know of any woman who cannot relate to this scenario or hasn't gone through this at one time or another, whether middle school, HS school college, family, workplace, etc.
If that is indeed what is going on -- that is, her friends are starting to exclude her -- she needs new friends and activities, new outlets for her time and energy, not therapy. She needs other activities/interests so she isn't sitting around the house by herself doing nothing feeling like crap, while knowing that they are out there doing stuff without her.
If you take her to therapy, she will think there is something wrong with her. Which may reinforce the fact that her friends are moving on without her. JMO.
This is absolutely not what therapy does. If I brought her to therapy and said "something is wrong with you, talk to this doctor". Of course it would be construed that way. However if I say "I think it would help you to talk to someone to help you through your feelings and working through them" has nothing negative.
This dialogue needs to change across society. Therapy is not because something is wrong!
Can she get involved in a non-school activity such as dance, church group, Scouts, theater group, anything that she can be around kids who don't go to her school? That might give her a chance to be around other kids and make new friends. Without having to switch schools.
This is absolutely not what therapy does. If I brought her to therapy and said "something is wrong with you, talk to this doctor". Of course it would be construed that way. However if I say "I think it would help you to talk to someone to help you through your feelings and working through them" has nothing negative.
This dialogue needs to change across society. Therapy is not because something is wrong!
I am not saying that anything is wrong with therapy.
What I am saying is that your daughter -- from what you said -- is being excluded. So she is probably thinking: What's wrong with me? Why aren't they inviting me? Did I do something wrong? Why don't they like me anymore?
And then you take her to therapy which may prompt her to think, gee they're right there is something wrong with me. Even my mom thinks I need therapy.
She's 15. Get her involved with other activities where she can meet new girls and make new friends. Once she's busy with new friends the jealously will disappear. No therapy necessary.
I am not saying that anything is wrong with therapy.
What I am saying is that your daughter -- from what you said -- is being excluded. So she is probably thinking: What's wrong with me? Why aren't they inviting me? Did I do something wrong? Why don't they like me anymore?
And then you take her to therapy which may prompt her to think, gee they're right there is something wrong with me. Even my mom thinks I need therapy.
She's 15. Get her involved with other activities where she can meet new girls and make new friends. Once she's busy with new friends the jealously will disappear. No therapy necessary.
Thanks for clarifying. From our conversations she doesn't think that. She is angry about being excluded, but more angry because the girls aren't honest when they plan something without her. They got tickets to a concert this weekend and didn't tell her. She found out from someone else, which just stings more.
I do think she needs to branch out, but I can't make her. She hasn't found anything she is interested in, so it has been challenging to move on. While I think her current circle of friends is a big part of the issue, she has always been like this.
Thanks for clarifying. From our conversations she doesn't think that. She is angry about being excluded, but more angry because the girls aren't honest when they plan something without her. They got tickets to a concert this weekend and didn't tell her. She found out from someone else, which just stings more.
I do think she needs to branch out, but I can't make her. She hasn't found anything she is interested in, so it has been challenging to get her to branch out.
It sounds like the girls are trying to spare her feelings by not flaunting it in her face at least. That's a whole other can of worms.
Can you volunteer together? Some place like an animal shelter where there will be other teens present?
Or can she get a job where she will meet other teens? Movie theatre, fast food, etc.
What about a class such as design or sewing or writing or pottery?
Do you belong to a church where there is a teen group she can join? With the holidays I'm sure there are events going on.
You may have to say, hey you're doing this, drive her and drop her off. Maybe she needs a little push to get moving in a good direction instead of being angry at those girls. It does no good to be angry/upset all the time.
I'd talk to her also, about how friends often drift apart and you just have to make new friends. This even happens in adulthood. People often develop different interests and their old friends no longer fit into their life. I have several people I no longer hang out with, and that's been over the past few years. Things changed.
Girls can be insidiously mean and cause emotional havoc on those unaware of their tactics. If she "gets excluded a lot", then they are not her friends. Tell her to hold her head up and wish them a good time at the concert. Then keep it moving.
If everything else is fine, she doesn't need therapy. She needs to find a different group to associate with.
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